Humor

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
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What do you call a cheap Jew??™s daughter?
Penny.
What do you call a guy who cancels laws?
Vito.
What do you call a guy who has diamonds instead of testicles?
Jules.
What do you call a guy who lets people shit all over him?
John.
What do you call a guy with mucus in his throat?
Fleming.
What do you call a woman during her period?
Flo.
What do you call a woman who lets frogs sit on her face?
Lily.
What do you call a woman who likes to go down on other women?
Mufly.
What do you call a woman with a moist pussy?
Marsha.
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1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for ...   Full text
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You decide to walk someplace for exercise and five people pull over and offer you a ride.

Your teachers recall teaching your parents.

You can charge anything at any local store.

The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. Along with the closest mall.

The town golf course only has nine holes.

There's no way not to date some friend's ex-.

You consider minimum wage a good salary.

The town population increases by a fourth between college semesters.

The town's best burgers are at the rink.

You know exactly where to go when you learn "there's a party at the lake."

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

You wore your letter jacket after your 19 th birthday.

You don't think twice when you see an old man riding through town on a riding mower.

Every athlete played on every team or there wasn't enough people to make ...   Full text
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...women are having sex with their husbands and boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

...jury duty is now considered a good-paying job.

...banks are now mailing us pre-declined credit cards.

...African TV now shows 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials.

...when you order a burger at McDonald's, the kid asks, "Can you afford fries with that?"

...CEOs are playing miniature golf.

...Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

...ATMs now give IOUs!

...a stripper was bruised when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies.

...Mormon polygamists now only have one wife.

...you now get a free bank with the purchase of a toaster oven.

...if your the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you ask if they mean you or them.

...McDonald's is now selling a quarter-ouncer.

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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
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Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

Full text
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A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where's your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss in Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
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A bus driver on a stop picked up a Pathan passenger who would not drop the bus fare. He asked this hulky, tall, red eyed, turban wearing, sulky looking Pathan to pay. Pathan replied, “Pathan not pay.” and sat down on an available seat.

The driver felt offended. It kept on happening everyday since then. The driver decided to face him. He took expensive karate lessons, wrestling lessons, boxing lessons, kung-fu lessons, finally graduated unbeatable.

Pathan came to bus this time, he asked Pathan to pay the bus fare. The Pathan replied same “Pathan not pay.”

The driver started swinging punches in the air, warned the consequences of not paying and demanded he pays now.

With a surprised fearful look on his face, Pathan tumbled and replied, “Me, old Pathan not pay, free senior buspass.”
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A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
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One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came and asked him, ” Are you relaxing?”
Singh answered, “No, I am Banta Singh”.

Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, “No No Me Banta Singh!”
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.

He went up to him and asked, “Are you Relaxing?”

The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered,”Yes,I am relaxing.”
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, “Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!”
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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
...   Full text
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Abe, David and Bernard were not only best of friends but also the top doctors in the neighbourhood. One day, they were out walking in Golders Green when they saw this little old Jewish man walking rather strangely. He's hunched over on one side, he’s dragging his right leg and he has his left hand on his lower back.

Abe says, "It's peritonitis."

David says, "It's an orthopaedic problem, with flat arches and a touch of chondromalacia patellae."
Bernard says, "It's a nerve irritation at the level of L5."

They argue a bit and then decide to go over and ask the old man what his problem is. So they do just that.

The man replies, "Nein. ICH HOB GEVOLT GEBBEN A FURZT HOB ICH INGEMACHT IN DER HOYSEN"
(You're all wrong. I thought I was about to fart when I made in my pants instead)
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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes
off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt,pant,socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
“Oye, I am only following the instructions here”! It says here “Answer the following questions in brief”.
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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What’s your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?… baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
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It was the day after India’s Independence Day. A thoughtful Tony Blair who had watched the celebrations on TV got onto the phone with his friend Bush:

“India!” shouted Blair.

“What about India?” asked a startled Bush.

“We English made a mistake George,” said Blair, “I need to get India back as a colony!”

“You serious Tony?” asked a still more startled Bush.

“Yeah this is not the India we let go some sixty years ago,” said Blair, “this is a colony we would be proud to have now.”

“So whatcha plannin’ to do?” asked Bush.

“Why George what we did to Saddam. Attack them.”

“You sayin’ we? You not hoping I’m goin’ to join you are you?”

“I helped you in Iraq George, you forgettin’ or sometin’?”

“Yeah but we had an excuse there Tony, we were lookin’ for weapons of mass destruction, you remember?”

“So we do the same thing here George. We tell the ...   Full text
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1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the ...   Full text
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Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur. Station Master : No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

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Employee : The New Joinee is getting much more then most of us. Is it the right way to treat your old assets? Employer : Our employee are assets for the company but keep in mind, that assets also depreciate with time. As a result, we have to get new ones at a higher cost and reduce the maintenance cost of older ones.

Employee : The New Joinee is getting much more then most of us. Is it the right way to treat your old assets?

Employer : Our employee are assets for the company but keep in mind, that assets also depreciate with time. As a result, we have to get new ones at a higher cost and reduce the maintenance cost of older ones.

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A teenage guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can
get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ” How
long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at the shop full
of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long
before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says,
“About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.”

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house.”
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During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet Satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.

Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan :

This was the scenario….

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India .

They don’t need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President.

The President forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session.

The LS ...   Full text
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Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?” “You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk. “Whatever, whatever you shay.” So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door. “Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.” As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed. “Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta. “There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa. “Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta. They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor. “ALL RIGHT!!” Santa ...   Full text
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for Superstitions.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for Superstitions.

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1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. 2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you. 3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. 4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management 5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did ...   Full text
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Dad : “Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.” Son : (goes over to the aunt) “Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.

Dad : “Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.”
Son : (goes over to the aunt) “Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.

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One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds…

I’ll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”

The teacher said, “Sorry Paddy, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”

The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”

Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said “David”,

The Buddhist boy said “Gautama Buddha” and the Muslim boy said “Mohammed”.

They all were not successful.

Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I’ll give you the 10 pounds that I promised.”

As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, “You know Jignesh, since you’re a Hindu ...   Full text
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One brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, “So why are you here?”

The brown lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black lab said, “So what is the vet going to do?”

“Gonna give me Prozac,” came the reply from the brown lab. “All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.”

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, “Why are you here?”

The yellow lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab ...   Full text
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Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks ...   Full text
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Los Angeles, CA – April 22, 2002 – Southcoast Bellcom, a subsidiary of PCG Communications, is preparing to join telephone companies throughout the U.S. in a nationwide cleaning of all phone and telecom lines next Sunday. “We do this about every 10 years,” said a Richard Schvanski, spokesperson for the National Telephone Association. “Over time, dust collects in the lines and this leads to weak connections and static, as well as to broken and slow Internet connectivity.”

To clean the lines, Schvanski said, all telephone companies will use air compressors at their central locations in each city to blow a blast of air through phone lines and cable networks. The 10-minute process will cause dust to blow through telephone receivers, fax and answering machines, and both traditional PC and DSL modems in homes and offices throughout the U.S.

Schvanski explained that most people are being urged to set a newspaper under their telecom device before going to bed ...   Full text
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In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn’t care they would have married him anyway!!
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Rule-1
The Boss is always right.

Rule-2
If the Boss is wrong, see Rule 1.

Rule-3
Those who work get more work.
Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

Rule-4
Ph.D. stands for “Pull Him Down”.
The more intelligent a person,
The more hardworking a person,
The more committed a person;
The more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

Rule-5
If you are good, you will get all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Rule-6
When the Bosses talk about improving productivity,
They are never talking about themselves.

Rule-7
It doesn’t matter what you do,
It only matters what you say you’ve done and what you are going to do.

Rule-8
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Rule-9
Don’t be irreplaceable.
If you can’t be ...   Full text
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A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried.

“Doctor,” she said, “Since I had the baby I can’t sleep at night. When I’m in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won’t hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?”

“Easy,” said the doctor. “Just take the carpet off the floor.”
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
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And I just had to include this next joke. It’s one of those jokes that’s just so stupid you have to laugh.

A woman wakes up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette.

Suddenly the phone rings. It’s her boyfriend saying he’s coming over.

She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed.

From under cover, the parrot mutters,

“Well that was a short fuckin’ day!”
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A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang. It was her husband warning her:

“Darling”, he said, “I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!”

“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde, “There’s f#cking hundreds of them!”
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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one: ...   Full text
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Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Gore?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning home, he decides he’d better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, “Hi, ...   Full text
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A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!)

“Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

“Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

“Very well,” replied the specialist. “Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the ...   Full text
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The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I’m home!
After 6 months: I’m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it’s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like ...   Full text
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Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction
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Overheard at a party:

The bookmakers are taking bets on who Donald Trump will marry next (a serious remark).

Odds are: Marla Maples 34 to 1, Elizabeth Taylor 5000 to 1, etc. etc., and Boy George 65000 to 1.

Someone else who overheard suggested that The Donald would place a large bet on Boy George and marry him to collect.
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Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the ...   Full text
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.
...   Full text
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A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,

“Grandpa, make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”

The little boy goes on, “Please Grandpa…please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then says to his sister,

“You go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says,

“Make a frog noise Grandpa.”

The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother no, and I’m telling you no.”

The little girl says, “Please…please Grandpa make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

The little girl replied,

“Because Mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”
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Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, ...   Full text
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Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal…..

That, my friend, is Globalization!
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On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun.

Investigation to that point had revealed that the deceased had jumped from
the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide (he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he passed the 9th floor on the way
down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing
him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety
net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers
and that the deceased would not have been able to complete his intent to
commit suicide because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent
ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he
intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death ...   Full text
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"

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