Not Giving Up Without A Fight



A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and ...   Full text

Honest Teacher



A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything…"

He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

"Anything." She says

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you … study?"

"ID Ten T" Error



I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So ...   Full text

Why We Live as Long as We Do...



On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, ...   Full text

Senior Dress Code



Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering
near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current Fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets,the Following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring ...   Full text

Points to Ponder



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you ...   Full text

Water to Wine



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Idiot Sighting



We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

Deadly E-Mail Error



It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, ...   Full text

20 Unspoken Rules to Live By



1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.

2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.

3. Don’t bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.

4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he’s your father.

5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.


6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood ...   Full text

New Las Vegas Slogans



"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:

1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)

2) It's The Gambling, Stupid

3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home

4) Where Luck Goes to Die

5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong

6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

Pending Bills



A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Who's The BOSS



CEO was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

Your wife called, she wants her sign back!

Smart Persistent Duck



A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman ...   Full text

Men Will Be Men



A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and ...   Full text

You Know You're Out Of College When



1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for ...   Full text

Underpaid Half-Wit



A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

"Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, ...   Full text

Funny Annoucements



Apparently real-life announcements made by witty and humorous flight crew to liven up the situations in flight. Too bad I never came across any of them. Anyone encountered one?

1. A flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
2. Another flight Attendant after a particularly bumpy flight:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
3. "As you ...   Full text

How Consultants Make A Difference To An Organisation



For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve ...   Full text

Hilarious Comedian Quotes



* I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)
* My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )
* A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)
* Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)
* It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
* I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody ...   Full text

Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are 5



Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos
as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

The probability of ...   Full text

Baked Beans



Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed ...   Full text

Clever News Reporter



A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

SOAP



This is long so most of it is posted in the first reply.
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

5 Surgeons



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on
my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
Full text

Dinner Party



A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.

It was well past 10 when he remembered. "Oh ...   Full text

How You Look A Things Matter More Than How Things Are



Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.

One day, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.

15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.

A woman in the ...   Full text

Using 'DEFINITELY' In A Sentence



Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I ...   Full text

Don't Ever Underestimate Old Guys



The Old Rancher, The banker saw his old friend Tom, an old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,'She'll be thirty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an old man.Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully ...   Full text

Study Vs Basketball



At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the ...   Full text

A Deadly Sneeze?



Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"

A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"

The Gestapo agent ...   Full text

Anything For A KISS



Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."

CIA Job Interview



The CIA had an opening for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair... kill her!!

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The ...   Full text

Husband After Winning Lottery



A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care. Just get out."

A Women's Wish



A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."

"It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, ...   Full text

Kids Will Be Kids



Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked ...   Full text

Funny Quotes From Famous People



"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"You can get much further with a kind word and ...   Full text

Good Witty Snappy Comebacks



Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, “Do these chickens get any bigger?” He replied, “No, they’re dead.”

Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for ...   Full text

Loyal Soldiers!



A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of ...   Full text

A Deadly Sneeze?



Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"

A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"

The Gestapo agent ...   Full text

Saving her butt...



A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

Lawyer Degree



An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business. Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over ...   Full text

An Alphabet for Aging



A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead. . .

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K ...   Full text

Brain Transplant



A mid-level Blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain ...   Full text

Ultimate Excuse Never Heard Before.



A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ...   Full text

Bum



A bum approaches a man passing by for money.

Man: "Are you going to use it to buy booze?"

Bum: "No."

Man: "Will you use it to buy cigarettes?"

Bum: "No, sir."

Man: "Are you going to gamble it away?"

Bum: "Why, no!"

Man: "Then will you come home with me and show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble?"

I Am Not Happy



There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a
fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't
even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and
then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the
driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you
just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff seems to get
funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are
you ...   Full text

Oh, Canada!



A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island .

There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan . She told him she was an ...   Full text

Big Cowboy




A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Good Mechanic



A salesman had car trouble on a back country road. He opened the hood and inspected the engine.
"The trouble is in the battery," came a voice from behind him." The salesman turned around quickly to see who had spoken, and the only thing in sight was a sway-backed old horse watching him over the pasture fence. Naturally, this completely unnerved the fellow, and he took off down the road. About twenty minutes later, he came to a filling station. After he caught his breath, he told his story to the owner.
"You mean to say that you saw no one near the car but that horse?"
"Yeah, that's right."
Full text