God Is Getting Better



A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Kids Are No Longer How They Used To Be



Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still ...   Full text

Women Are Too Clever



Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Helping Others - Don't Expect Any Credit



A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food ...   Full text

The Gambling Blond - Beware



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed… "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and ...   Full text

Obedient Wife



There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers ...   Full text

Obedient Wife



There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers ...   Full text

Old Is When



"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned ...   Full text

Big John does not pay



Hi all
Here goes my first one, hope u all enjoy
A puny bus driver pulled up at a stop, and a giant of a man got in, "Big John does not pay", he thundered, the bus driven did not want to argue with a man of that size, so he kept quiet. Next day, the same thing happened, the giant got in "Big John does not pay" he thundered. This went on for about 7 days. The bus driver by now was starting to resent this, and he did not want to take it lying down, so he joined a Gym, and started an intensive course in body building, after 3 weeks, and with big bulging muscles, he pulled up at the stop, the giant got in " ...   Full text

How to Sell a expensive watch



There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal.
Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch!
He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that ...   Full text

Seniors enjoying Chocolate



A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
...   Full text

Ultimate Excuse Never Heard Before.



A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ...   Full text

Meet Very kind Layer



One afternoon a lawyer (probably a barrister) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the ...   Full text

A Doctor of Psychology



A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.


Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.


The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. ...   Full text

I m too smart for the first grade



A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back ...   Full text

Why Microsoft shouldn't make Cars



At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the ...   Full text

Paying the bill



A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Graduation Day at DCE



Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

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Professor's Definition of a Kiss



Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary ...   Full text

Psychiatric Hotline



Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
* If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Oldest Telecommunication System



German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000
years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely ...   Full text

The Unbreakable Comb



A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Great Truths About Growing Old



1. Growing old is mandatory: growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get!
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your down there.
4. Your getting very old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Sarcastic One Liners



1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
11. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
12. I’m trying to ...   Full text

In A Group Discussion Always Be The Last To Speak



A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love ...   Full text

Magic Trick Or What ?



A magician works on a cruise ship and entertains the audience with his show. The only problem is that the captain's parrot has figured out all his tricks and tells them during the show. "Aaarrr, it's in his sleeve, it's in his sleeve, Aaarrr" "Aaarrr, it's under his hat, it's under his hat, Aaarrr"

One night the parrot starts again to tell trick. The magician pulls out a gun and shoots at the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet; it hit a propane tank and blew the ship into a million pieces. The only two survivors are the magician and the parrot floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.
...   Full text

God Works In A Strange Manner



A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had ...   Full text

Perfect Example Of Loop



Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call ...   Full text

Reasons To Go To School



One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the ...   Full text

Tit For Tat



A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager ...   Full text

The Perfect Name



A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'

Deal Between Salesman and Farmer



A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."


The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."


The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a ...   Full text

Bush's Postage Stamp



George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are ...   Full text

10 Oneliners To Explain Your Marriage



1. Two men were talking. First: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house n doing laundry. Second: Amazing, I took divorce for the same reason!
2. Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.
3. Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an a@@hole
4. Johny declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.
5. I asked my wife what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.
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Asking For A Divorse - First Judge The Complete Situation



A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, ...   Full text

Blonde Cop Booking Blonde Driver



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ...   Full text

Some Questions To Think About



1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for Your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
4. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were Buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be A good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Marketing : Never Leave A Chance To Be Seen



Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's ...   Full text

Want A Divorse - Try This



This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Never Ever Question A Drunk



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the ...   Full text

Power of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V



A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went wan with shock and rage. Standing there for ...   Full text

Blonde Logics



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts ...   Full text

Comments Made In 50s



"I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s
going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before
$2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the ...   Full text

Early Retirement



The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. ...   Full text

The 50 Most Inspiring Travel Quotes Of All Time



1. "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness." - Mark Twain

2. "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - St. Augustine

3. "There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign." - Robert Louis Stevenson

4. "The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are." - Samuel Johnson

5. "All the pathos and irony of leaving one's youth behind is thus implicit in every joyous moment of ...   Full text

Great Truths About Life That Little Kids Have Learned



1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back, they always catch the second person.
4. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9. The best place to be when you are sad is Grandmom or Grandpop’s lap.

The Four Stages of Life



1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Great Truths About Growing Old



1. Growing old is mandatory: growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get!
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your down there.
4. Your getting very old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Perfect Marriages



Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse?
It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."

A Lawyer and an Engineer were fishing



A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?"" he asked.