Humor

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"

A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"

The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, my F??hrer. I am the one who sneezed."

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and ...   Full text
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A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business. Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
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A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead. . .

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

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A mid-level Blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many ...   Full text
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A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying ...   Full text
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A bum approaches a man passing by for money.

Man: "Are you going to use it to buy booze?"

Bum: "No."

Man: "Will you use it to buy cigarettes?"

Bum: "No, sir."

Man: "Are you going to gamble it away?"

Bum: "Why, no!"

Man: "Then will you come home with me and show my wife what happens to a man who doesn???t drink, smoke, or gamble?"
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There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a
fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't
even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and
then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the
driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you
just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff seems to get
funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are
you then?"

and that's when the fight started.................
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A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island .

There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman ...   Full text
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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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A salesman had car trouble on a back country road. He opened the hood and inspected the engine.
"The trouble is in the battery," came a voice from behind him." The salesman turned around quickly to see who had spoken, and the only thing in sight was a sway-backed old horse watching him over the pasture fence. Naturally, this completely unnerved the fellow, and he took off down the road. About twenty minutes later, he came to a filling station. After he caught his breath, he told his story to the owner.
"You mean to say that you saw no one near the car but that horse?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Oh don't mind him," said the gas pumper. "He doesn't know a thing about engine trouble."
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An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final ...   Full text
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One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says ???Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you??????

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says ???Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!???

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. ...   Full text
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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
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* It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
* It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
* It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
* It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
* It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
* It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
* It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
* It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
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A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn???t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension ...   Full text
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A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he ...   Full text
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1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
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Kosta (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'

Kosta: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Kosta approaches Bill Gates.

Kosta: 'I have a husband for your daughter....'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'

Kosta: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

Finally Kosta goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Kosta: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'

Kosta: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

And that my friends is how Greeks do business.
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well . night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don???t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there???s a 90% probability you???ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a ...   Full text
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I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ???Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break????

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn???t care. My car was parked around the corner.
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she might ...   Full text
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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, ...   Full text
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it
to h is Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop ...   Full text
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In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses he lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent-really stink terribly."

The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing... "
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Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.


He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.


When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
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The wife went in front of a judge and said, "All I'm asking is that my husband should leave me the way he found me."

Slightly taken aback, the judge said, "But lady, that's impossible."

"Why impossible?" she persisted. "He found me a widow, didn't he?"
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Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your letter of March 24th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
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Here's a few things I've learned that tell you if you're
having yourself a bad day:

1. Your dog's favorite bone is in your leg.

2. At the zoo, monkeys throw stuff at you.

3. Your wife cuts the crotches out of all your pants.

4. Your kids use your wooden leg to play baseball.

5. Your underwear doesn't have any elastic in it.

6. The post office regularly asks you for an updated
picture.

7. Your mother-in-law stays over 'cause the trailer park
cancelled the dance.

8. A bum gives you a dollar.

9. You have to gas up you vehicle.

10. You get fleas and not your dog.
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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog food for Lola, my black lab, and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog......Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her, "no, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms."

Her eyes bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, ...   Full text
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There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ...   Full text
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Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died.

Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman all his life and it was to be his final wish.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They cast off from Fort Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat.

After rowing for quite some time, Betty says, 'Do you think we're out far enough?'

Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do ??? the water is only up to my chest.'

So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?' Betty inquires.

'Yes, it ...   Full text
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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. ...   Full text
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There is this Fisherman, Let's call him Vishy (rhymes with Fishy). Vishy goes out fishing each morning, casts his net and gathers his catch and sells them in the market and makes a living out of it.

On one occasion he gets up too early and sleep eludes him. So he decides to go fishing any way it's too dark to go fishing so he strolls by the Bank of the River and waits for the Sun to appear he stumbles upon a sack.

This sack is a bit heavy and there were some pebbles in it Now, when u have a river and a sack of pebbles and a lot of time to kill, the logical thing to do is to throw the pebbles into the river Vishy did just the same He tried all the things we do Throwing it as far as possible, as high as possible, make the pebbles bounce as many times an possible.....

Now with just one stone remaining, the sun rose the stone in his hand began to glow as well damn! The stone was a diamond!!!! That's when he realized that all those pebbles he had ...   Full text
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andom girl: hey!
me: ???hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don???t want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye
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A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
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1. "Learn from the mistakes of others... you can't live long enough to make them all yourselves!!"

2. "A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and Honest people are screwed first."

3. "Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous."

4. "The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. It will destroy you."

5. "There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth."

6. " Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."

7. "As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."

8. "The ...   Full text
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The best relation ever is between two eyes,
"they blink together, move together, cry together, see together and sleep together".

STILL they never see directly each other.
But when they see a girl, one will blink and another will not.

Moral of the story: Girl can break any kind of relationships....
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When I take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough

When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,

When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is co-operating,

When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.

When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
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Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave without any notice. When he returned his PL asked for explanation. The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly". The PL let it go at that.

After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his father died.

Then the PL got changed. After 3 months the same pattern repeated. And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died. After 3 months same thing again... and this time his father died.

This happened repeatedly for 2 years. At the end, one PL checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five times?"


To which the guy said,

"Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new father remarried. This has been going on and on and on ...   Full text
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Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn"t figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn"t.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. "But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked. "Every time I got a dozen, I sold it."
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During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.

He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.

He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.

So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing.

The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German doctor replied, "Sorry, we do dis no more!"

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, "we think you trying to escape!"
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Got a boring road trip somewhere in the near future? Tired of the same old monotonous drive every morning to work or school? How about bringing some excitement, not only to your drive - but to others! Here are some fun things to do while driving, in case you get bored???

* At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
* Vary your vehicle???s speed inversely with the speed limit.
* Write the words ???Help me??? on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
* Throw Spam. You know??? the stuff in the can.
* Get in the fast lane and gradually ??? slow ??? down ??? to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw the Spam at them.
* Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
* Laugh a lot. A whole lot. Hysterically. Borderline asphyxia.
* Eat food that requires silverware. Eat ...   Full text
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A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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