Sarcastic One Liners



1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
11. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
12. I’m trying to ...   Full text

In A Group Discussion Always Be The Last To Speak



A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love ...   Full text

Magic Trick Or What ?



A magician works on a cruise ship and entertains the audience with his show. The only problem is that the captain's parrot has figured out all his tricks and tells them during the show. "Aaarrr, it's in his sleeve, it's in his sleeve, Aaarrr" "Aaarrr, it's under his hat, it's under his hat, Aaarrr"

One night the parrot starts again to tell trick. The magician pulls out a gun and shoots at the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet; it hit a propane tank and blew the ship into a million pieces. The only two survivors are the magician and the parrot floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.
...   Full text

God Works In A Strange Manner



A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had ...   Full text

Perfect Example Of Loop



Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call ...   Full text

Reasons To Go To School



One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the ...   Full text

Tit For Tat



A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager ...   Full text

The Perfect Name



A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'

Deal Between Salesman and Farmer



A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."


The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."


The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a ...   Full text

Bush's Postage Stamp



George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are ...   Full text

10 Oneliners To Explain Your Marriage



1. Two men were talking. First: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house n doing laundry. Second: Amazing, I took divorce for the same reason!
2. Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.
3. Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an a@@hole
4. Johny declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.
5. I asked my wife what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.
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Asking For A Divorse - First Judge The Complete Situation



A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, ...   Full text

Blonde Cop Booking Blonde Driver



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ...   Full text

Some Questions To Think About



1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for Your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
4. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were Buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be A good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Marketing : Never Leave A Chance To Be Seen



Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's ...   Full text

Want A Divorse - Try This



This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Never Ever Question A Drunk



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the ...   Full text

Power of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V



A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went wan with shock and rage. Standing there for ...   Full text

Blonde Logics



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts ...   Full text

Comments Made In 50s



"I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s
going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before
$2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the ...   Full text

Early Retirement



The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. ...   Full text

The 50 Most Inspiring Travel Quotes Of All Time



1. "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness." - Mark Twain

2. "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - St. Augustine

3. "There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign." - Robert Louis Stevenson

4. "The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are." - Samuel Johnson

5. "All the pathos and irony of leaving one's youth behind is thus implicit in every joyous moment of ...   Full text

Great Truths About Life That Little Kids Have Learned



1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back, they always catch the second person.
4. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9. The best place to be when you are sad is Grandmom or Grandpop’s lap.

The Four Stages of Life



1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Great Truths About Growing Old



1. Growing old is mandatory: growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get!
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your down there.
4. Your getting very old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Perfect Marriages



Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse?
It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."

A Lawyer and an Engineer were fishing



A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?"" he asked.

Happy Little Old Man



A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.

Famous Bloopers



"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."

~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
- - - - - - - - - -

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

~ Miss Alabama’s Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America ...   Full text

Appropriate Names



A young Native American boy approaches to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?”

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

"Well, why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?”

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”

"And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?”

"We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived... Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

The Before and After Effect



This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all ...   Full text

Can I Kiss You



The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked ...   Full text

Training A New Priest



The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better ...   Full text

Secret Service Blonde



The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people.

They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her" The guy looked at them and said" No I can't do it"

So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. "He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her.

Not the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in.
She was a blonde so they were ...   Full text

10 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter



1. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions ...   Full text

Reward For Goodness



Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second ...   Full text

Made For Each Other



Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone.

When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse.

Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon ...   Full text

Old Lady Got Three Wishes



A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said ...   Full text

How To Tell The Males Flies From The Females



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked..
"Hunting Flies", he responded..
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked..
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied..
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?".
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Technical Farmer



A man was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field.
The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer.

So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.
After the man had gone about 100 yards the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."
Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired,

"Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk."

Proffesionals for Mars



NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, ...   Full text

Money in the Casket



There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ...   Full text

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars"

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot ...   Full text

T.G.I.F - NO S.H.I.T.



A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,

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Something Nice For Dad



Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.” Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. “Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

Blonde Detectives



A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The ...   Full text

The Benefits of Getting Older



1. You can eat dinner at 4.00.

2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beiginning to pay off.

3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

4. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

6. Your eyes won't get much worse.

7. You sing along with the elevator music.

8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

9. Your ears are more hairy than your head.

10. People who call at 9p.m. ask, "Did I ...   Full text

Funny Work Quotes


The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to ...   Full text

Jumping With The Geriatrics


This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

I am Italian and Golfer


An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"
...   Full text