Humor

One afternoon a lawyer (probably a barrister) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy ...   Full text
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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.


Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.


The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.


The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"


Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every ...   Full text
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At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. ...   Full text
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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly; you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it ...   Full text
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Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is ...   Full text
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Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
* If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000
years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had
cellular telephones.
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A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
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1. Growing old is mandatory: growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get!
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your down there.
4. Your getting very old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It???s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it???s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
11. A woman???s favorite position is CEO.
12. I???m trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven???t fallen asleep yet.
15. Can I trade this job for what???s behind door number 1?
16. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
17. Too ...   Full text
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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I ...   Full text
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A magician works on a cruise ship and entertains the audience with his show. The only problem is that the captain's parrot has figured out all his tricks and tells them during the show. "Aaarrr, it's in his sleeve, it's in his sleeve, Aaarrr" "Aaarrr, it's under his hat, it's under his hat, Aaarrr"

One night the parrot starts again to tell trick. The magician pulls out a gun and shoots at the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet; it hit a propane tank and blew the ship into a million pieces. The only two survivors are the magician and the parrot floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

The parrot looks around, looks at the magician and say: "Aaarrr, ok, you got me. Where is the ship?"
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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car .
She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, 'This is what You ...   Full text
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Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make ...   Full text
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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, ...   Full text
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'
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A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."


The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."


The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.


The farmer was perplexed. ...   Full text
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George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
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1. Two men were talking. First: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house n doing laundry. Second: Amazing, I took divorce for the same reason!
2. Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.
3. Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an a@@hole
4. Johny declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.
5. I asked my wife what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.
6. Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
7. Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
8. Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the ...   Full text
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.

He pushes his luck, 'I want the house,' he says insistently.

Up to 80.

'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph.

'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering ...   Full text
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver???s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ???What does it look like???? she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ???It???s square and it has your picture on it.???

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ???Here it is,??? she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ???Okay, you can go. I didn???t realize you were a cop.???
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1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to ???put your two cents in???.. but it???s only a ???penny for Your thoughts???? Where???s that extra penny going to?
4. Once you???re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were Buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be A good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they ???slept like a baby??? when babies wake up Like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you???re ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in Binoculars to look at things on the ground? ...   Full text
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Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's headstone."

Through his tears, Joe sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."
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This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
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I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ???You must be single.???

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict???s intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ???Well, you know what, you???re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that????

The drunk replied, ???Cause you???re ugly.???
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went wan with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story:
Don't copy if you can't paste!
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SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There???s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR???S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor???s office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed ...   Full text
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"I???ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it???s
going to be impossible to buy a week???s groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won???t be long before
$2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I???m going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we???d be better off leaving the car in the
garage"

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing ...   Full text
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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my
testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, ...   Full text
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1. "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness." - Mark Twain

2. "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - St. Augustine

3. "There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign." - Robert Louis Stevenson

4. "The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are." - Samuel Johnson

5. "All the pathos and irony of leaving one's youth behind is thus implicit in every joyous moment of travel: one knows that the first joy can never be recovered, and the wise traveler learns not to repeat successes but tries new places all the time." - Paul Fussell

6. "Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life." - Jack Kerouac

7. "He who does not travel does ...   Full text
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1. No matter how hard you try, you can???t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don???t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don???t hit her back, they always catch the second person.
4. You can???t trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Don???t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can???t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don???t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9. The best place to be when you are sad is Grandmom or Grandpop???s lap.
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1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don???t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
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1. Growing old is mandatory: growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get!
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your down there.
4. Your getting very old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It???s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it???s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse?
It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?"" he asked.
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.
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"Smoking kills. If you???re killed, you???ve lost a very important part of your life."

~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

~ Miss Alabama???s Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.
- - - - - - - - - -

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can???t help but cry. I mean I???d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

~ Mariah Carey
- - - - - - - - - -

"I???ve never had major knee ...   Full text
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A young Native American boy approaches to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ???Mighty Storm???????

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.???

"Well, why is my sister named ???Cornflower???????

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.???

"And why is my other sister called ???Moonchild???????

"We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived... Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious????
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This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
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The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?.... what happened next?"
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The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people.

They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her" The guy looked at them and said" No I can't do it"

So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. "He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her.

Not the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in.
She was a blonde so they were worried. They said" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him." "Alright" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. "What the hell is going on" "Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair."
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1. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Tell the instructor that you prepared for wrong subject and start crying.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I ...   Full text
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Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did ...   Full text
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Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone.

When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse.

Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said' "Joey there is something I must tell you. I..."

and Joey interrupted, "I know, you ate my socks"
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A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"

Once more there was a big Poof, ...   Full text
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked..
"Hunting Flies", he responded..
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked..
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied..
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?".
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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