Humor

80,000 blondes are gathered for a ???Blondes Are Not Stupid??? convention. The leader says, ???We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer????

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, ???What is 15 plus 15???? After 15 or 20 seconds she says, ???18!??? Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, ???Give her another chance! Give her another chance!??? The leader says, ???Well, since we???ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.???

So he asks, ???What is 5 plus 5???? After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, ???90???? The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1. Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
2. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
3. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
4. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
5. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
6. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
7. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
8. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
9. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
10. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
Permalink |  Add comment

* you can identify universities by their internet domains.
* you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
* you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
* the concept of free time scares you.
* you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
* you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
* Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
* the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
* you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
* you appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
* you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).
* you can read course books and cook at the same time.
* you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
* you ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
7. You can focus better with one eye closed.
8. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
9. You fall off the floor..
10. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
11. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
12. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
Permalink |  Add comment

1. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. Perhaps that's why my wife treats me like toxic waste. ???David Bissonette
2. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ???Sacha Guitry
3. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they can't face each other, but they still stay together. ???Hemant Joshi
4. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher. ???Socrates
5. Woman inspires us to great things and then prevents us from achieving them. ???Dumas
6. The great question which I have not been able to answer is: "What does a woman want?"
???Sigmund Freud
7. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. ???Anonymous
8. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. Twice a week we take the time to go to a restaurant; a little candlelight, ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

Just the Stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1.When you are sad ??? I will help you get drunk And plot revenge against the sorry bastard who Made you sad.

2.When you are blue ??? I will try to dislodge Whatever is choking you.

3.When you smile ??? I will know you are Plotting something that I must be involved in.

4.When you are scared ??? I will rag on you About it every chance I get.

5.When you are worried ??? I will tell you horrible Stories about how much Worse it could be until you Quit whining.

6.When you are confused ??? I will use little words.

7.When you are sick ??? Stay the hell away from Me until you are well again. I don???t want whatever You have.

8.When you fall ??? I will point and laugh at your Clumsy ass.

Remember: A friend will help you move.

A really Good friend will help you move a body.
Permalink |  Add comment

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won???t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

???Well,??? he said, ???It???s what mommy calls me sometimes.???

The little girl screams to her brother ???Don???t eat it, it???s an asshole..???
Permalink |  Add comment

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, ???Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.???

The brunette says, ???I???ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.???

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, ???I???ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.???

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, ???My dear, what???s the matter????

The blonde whimpers, ???I wish my friends were still here.???
Permalink |  Add comment

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .. I can???t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I???d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you and I were squirrels, I???d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty???s only a light switch away.
8) Man - ???Fat Penguin!??? Woman - ???WHAT???? Man - ???I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.???
9) I know I???m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can???t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench??? every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Permalink |  Add comment

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos???then you probably haven???t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don???t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity???probably has a scapegoat.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. If at first you don???t succeed, try management.
8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
9. TEAMWORK???means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Permalink |  Add comment

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, ???What is that????

The helpful store clerk responds, ???Why, it???s a thermos.???

Still curious, the blonde asks, ???What does it do????

???It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,??? replies the clerk.

So she buys one???.

The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, ???What???s that shiny thingy????

She replies with authority, ???It???s a thermos.???

???Oh,??? says he, ???And what???s it do????

???Well,??? says she, ???It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.???

Then he asks, ???So what do you have in there today????

???Two cups of hot coffee and a Pepsi .???
Permalink |  Add comment

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive When you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive And practicing law.
Permalink |  Add comment

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
Permalink |  Add comment

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

???Good morning,??? said the young man. ???If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ???

???Go away!??? said the old lady. ???I???m broke and haven???t got any money!??? and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ???Don???t be too hasty!??? he said. ???Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.??? And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ???If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.???

The old lady stepped back and said, ???Well let me get you a fork, ???cause they cut off my electricity this morning.???
Permalink |  Add comment

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim!!
Permalink |  Add comment

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "no, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "you know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."
Permalink |  Add comment

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos???then you probably haven???t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don???t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity???probably has a scapegoat.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. If at first you don???t succeed, try management.
8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
9. TEAMWORK???means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Permalink |  Add comment

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .. I can???t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I???d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you and I were squirrels, I???d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty???s only a light switch away.
8) Man - ???Fat Penguin!??? Woman - ???WHAT???? Man - ???I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.???
9) I know I???m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can???t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench??? every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Permalink |  Add comment

* Oops!

* Has anyone seen my watch?

* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.

* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?

* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

* Come back with that! Bad Dog!

* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingies

* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

* Damn, there go the lights again...

* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

* Could you stop that thing from beating; ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, ???For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.???

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband??? thought for a moment: ???Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I???m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.???

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ???protecting.???

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn???t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can???t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, ???Ask him where da money is.???

The interpreter signs, ???Where???s the money????

The deaf man ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1.I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn???t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I???m at the doctor???s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

- Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

- I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

- I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

- I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

- I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

- When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

- I could show my girlfriend where I live.

- I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

- I would have saved 372,416.21 dollars in groceries by now.

- I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

- I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

- You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

- Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

- ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A joke circulating among Russians these days has Vladimir Putin and Dmitry Medvedev waking up in the Kremlin in 2023 with a vicious hangover.

Putin says to Medvedev: ???Which of us is president and which of us is prime minister today????

???I don???t remember,??? Medvedev replies. ???I could be prime minister today.???

???Then go fetch some beer,??? Putin says.
Permalink |  Add comment

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee..

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone..
Permalink |  Add comment

Universal law: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from
one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

First law: A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.

Second law: The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance.

Third law: The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals!
Permalink |  Add comment

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient.
'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Permalink |  Add comment

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Permalink |  Add comment

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
Permalink |  Add comment

50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." -at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." -Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip) ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
Permalink |  Add comment

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1. I can see your point, but I still think you???re full of shit.
2. I don???t know what your problem is, but I???ll bet it???s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you???ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I???m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I???ll try being nicer if you???ll try being smarter.
7. I???m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don???t work here. I???m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can???t understand a damn word you???re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don???t give a damn.
14. I???m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee..

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone...
Permalink |  Add comment

Universal law: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from
one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

First law: A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.

Second law: The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance.

Third law: The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals!
Permalink |  Add comment

http://www.ljplus.ru/img4/_/c/_cahek_/Bezymyannyj.bmp
Permalink |  Add comment

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

George W. Bush and his mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Permalink |  Add comment

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites.

Consider the list below to see how you rate.

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
6. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
7. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
15. Any connection between your ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why? Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh???I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again???

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your ...   Full text
Permalink |  Add comment