A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"


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A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

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One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated "I can't wait to get back to the White House...I'm going to rip Hillary's panties off".
The Secret Service Agent asked him "Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?

"No" said Clinton..."they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!"

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Not sure if it's true.....

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

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A guy had been suffering with a priapism for several days. No amount of sex would make him lose his erection. He went to the pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he might get a word with the pharmacist.

She was a little pissed off at his assumption. "Sir, I am the pharmacist."

"No," he explained, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."

"Sir," she repeated, "I am the pharmacist, my sister is also a pharmacist, we own this store. I would consider it a personal & professional compliment if you would ask me any question that you might ask of a male pharmacist.

Our hero was long on pecker, but short of words with embarrassment. He whipped out a 14 inch purple helmeted soldier of passion. "O.K. Lady, what can you give me for this....."

Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, "Um,Um, excuse me Sir. I must consult with my sister." She disappeared ...   Full text

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A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

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A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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I have found at my age that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to Grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What Could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that Will ...   Full text

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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."

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If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

Full text

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1. Did you hear about the prostitute who became a barber? She doesn't do fancy haircuts, but I hear she gives excellent 'trim.' Also, she shows off her 'vagina.'

2. I walked into the barbershop the other day, and he told me a haircut costs twenty dollars. Twenty bucks! Look, I can cut my own hair for free, then spend the 20 bucks I saved on the hat I'm going to have to wear for the next three months.

3. My wife asks me, "why do you keep going to have your haircut if you don't have any hair?" So I ask her, "How come you keep making beauty appointments?"

4. My girlfriend's really into that band N'Sync, so I went to the barber and told him to make me look like Justin Timberlake. So he gave me a pair of bloody underpants and jerked off into my face.

5. If people don't stop telling me to go get a haircut all the time, I swear to God I'm going to give one of them a face cut.

6. It's been said that a ...   Full text

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A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

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Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their ...   Full text

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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, ???I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.???

I said, ???Well, then why are you crying????

He said, ???She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.???

I said, ???Well, why are you crying????

He said, ???For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours???

I said, ???Well, why in the world would you be crying????

He said, ???I can???t remember where I live!!

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Once in a while you will find your wedding jokes corny and do not create a laughing atmosphere during a wedding. But you don???t have to feel some embarrassment because it happens to almost everyone. Even the most professional comedians or clowns get lost during their performances.

There are so many reasons why sometimes jokes tend to fail. Timing is very important and sometimes this was off, you forgot something to push or lead up a hard punch line. Punch lines sometimes are not that strong and very weak for your audience to respond. Lastly, one might pick a very wrong joke for the occasion.

How can you increase the possibilities your wedding jokes be funny to the wedding guests. Here are some tips:

1. Try your jokes first with a few people from your family or friends of different ages. If they laughed then there are chances it will work during the wedding.
2. If the jokes does not work with your friends and family, try to get ...   Full text

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A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

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Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.

Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn???t have any cash but if he takes him home he???ll give him a blow job. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.

So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up???

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, ???This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!??? So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies ??? two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ???Officer, I don???t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem????

???Ma???am,??? the officer replies, ???You weren???t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.???

???Slower than the speed limit???? she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly??? Twenty-Two miles an hour!??? the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her ...   Full text

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

???Are you the manager???? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. ???Actually, no,??? the man replies.

???Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,??? she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

???Can???t,??? breathes the bartender. ???He???s not here. Is there anything I can do????

???Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,??? she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender???s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

???What should I tell him???? the bartender manages to say.

???Tell him,??? she whispers, ???there ...   Full text

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Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn???t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, ???Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this???? The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, ???I can drop her off here on Mondays ...   Full text

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Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing under the bridge pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ???I want to go to Disneyland ???

Barack said, ???No problem, I???ll take you there on my plane.???

The second kid said, ???I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.???

Barack said, ???I???ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!???

The third kid said, ??? I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!???

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, ???But you don???t look like you???re handicapped.???

The kid said, ???I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!???

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This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children???s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children???s failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The Message Was :

???Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - ...   Full text

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An old farmer in Darwin had owned a large property for several years.

He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.

The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he yelled, "I'm here to ...   Full text

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, ???Man, I wish we had something to drink!??? Jim says, ???Me too. Y???know, I???ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it???? So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It???s Jim. Jim says, ???Hey, how do you feel this morning????

Dave says, ???I feel great, how about you????

Jim says, ???I feel great, too. You don???t have a hangover????

Dave says, ???No that jet fuel is great stuff???no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.???
...   Full text

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Who says today???s kids aren???t smart? Well, some of them are!

I wish I???d thought of this ...

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, ???I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day????.

Jose says, ???. ???Look at your sign, what does it say????

Carlos??? sign reads, ???I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.???

Jose says, ???No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.???

Carlos says, ???So what does your sign say????

Jose shows Carlos his sign??????

It reads, ???I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico???.???

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A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

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A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the mane but can???t seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it???s slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blonde???s foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth???s Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,??? Do you know her????
???Yes,??? I sighed, ???She???s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn???t been sober since.???

???My God!??? says my wife, ???Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long????

And then the fight started???..

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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account".

The teller, surprised with his behavior, replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!", said the teller.

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time??"

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, ???I???d like to try the bet.???

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd???s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, ???what do ...   Full text

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, ???The bad news is that now that we???ve caught you, we???re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.???

The Frenchman says, ???I take ze poison.??? The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, ???Vive la France!??? and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, ???A pistol for me, please.??? The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, ???God save the queen!??? and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, ???Gimme a fork.??? The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over ??? the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There???s blood gushing out all over, it???s horrible. The ...   Full text

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

???Why don???t you put your money where your mouth is???? he said. ???I will bet a week???s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won???t be able to wheel back.???

???You???re on, old man,??? the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, ???All right. Get in.???

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ???You know what???? says the 6 year old. ???I think it???s about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ???When we go downstairs for breakfast, I???m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.??? The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ???Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I???ll have some Cheerios.???

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ???You can stay there until I let you out!???

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ???And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????
...   Full text

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A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

???Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,??? the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ???Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.???

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

???Let me tell you a story,??? replied the Rabbi. ???A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ???Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.??? But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.???

The man protested: ???What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS????

The Rabbi replied, ???No matter ...   Full text

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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

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1. Wax the ceiling.
2. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad???s new car.
3. Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.
4. Repeat above until failure.
5. Rearrange political campaign signs.
6. Sharpen your teeth.
7. Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
8. Braid your dogs hair.
9. Clean and polish your belly button.
10. Water your dog???see if he grows.
11. Wash a tree.
12. Knight yourself and some close friends.
13. Found the Jim Jones??? School of Modern Bartending.
14. Flirt with an evergreen.
15. Scare Steven King.
16. Give your cat a mohawk.
17. Purr.
18. Mow your carpet.
19. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
20. Whine.
21. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group???surprise your grandmother.
22. Listen to a painting.
23. Play with matches.
24. Buff your cat.
25. Raise professional racing ...   Full text

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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my ...   Full text

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang ...   Full text

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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained ...   Full text

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The ...   Full text

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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead??? ...   Full text

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An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frust ration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ...   Full text

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A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

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