Humor

The sun wears tinted glasses when Chuck Norris looks at it

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Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey... then re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the smaller bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry ...   Full text
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My wife had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue slacks.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked me, "Honey, do these slacks make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," I replied. "Our house isn't blue."
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* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip ... joy. With the second ... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a Danish.

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."

* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And ...   Full text
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A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"

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A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."
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A factory worker, a fervent Democrat dressed in overalls, sat down to have his lunch in a park across from his office.

Then he noticed a very distinguished and dignified man step out of a top of the line BMW, walk into the park and sit down a few feet away on the grass; he was extremely well dressed in a hand tailored Brioni pinstriped business suit, perfectly tied silk necktie, starched white dress shirt, monogrammed cuff links, silver tiepin, Rolex watch, immaculately polished black leather shoes and silk socks. He placed his expensive briefcase next to him and prepared for lunch.

"One of those Republicans, I'll bet" thought the factory worker, and after introducing himself, he found out he was right not only a Republican, but an investment banker!

The factory worker glanced at the banker's shoes, glistening in the sunlight.

"You have those polished every day, don't you?" he asked.

The Investment ...   Full text
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said," That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her ...   Full text
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Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance ...   Full text
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During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled, and grabbed her public address microphone,

"May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can ...   Full text
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.

"You gotta help me find my parrot!" she said.

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be concerned. "The parrot should fly back in a few days." he said.

Full of desperation, the lady cried, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty!!!'"
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would ...   Full text
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash every day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could ...   Full text
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You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead ...   Full text
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Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ?? cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain ...   Full text
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A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the following discussion took place.

Attorney: "Well, do you have grounds?"

Farmer: "Yes, I have about 140 acres."

Attorney: "No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--thats where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney: "No, no! I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--I wear it to church every Sunday."

Attorney: "Well, does your wife beat you up?"

Farmer: "No, sir. We both get up at 4:30."

Attorney: "All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce?"

Farmer: "Well, I never have been able to have a ...   Full text
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One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever.
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A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe had a stroke or something. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
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Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
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Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much to him, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut. I eat, sleep and breath golf.... so if that's a problem, you'd better say so right now".

"Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
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A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
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Off the coast of Newfoundland a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day, and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing.

When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled!

The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story is you can't send a buoy to do a moon's job.
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Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out. "There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than I," Dobbins thought. "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he ...   Full text
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In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,

"Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student said, "She'd be way too old."
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder, slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!


Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie ...   Full text
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A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
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A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
don't even know the way to the post office!"
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There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six
years old. Something of his had found its way into my
garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a
baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one
look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it
right through that hole!"
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find dad staring at him every time. ;

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.

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--------------------- Act 1 -----------------------
Login:
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx

--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------

Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do

--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------

Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our ...   Full text
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Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale from the USA.

Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'

'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
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Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.'
'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'
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An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. ' Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'
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Optimism
People who are optimistic, by definition feel happier about the future as they assume things will be better than they likely will be, even in the face of a negative past.

Contented
People who are not bothered by the past or future can also just be happy in the present moment. Worry about the future is a common creator of unhappiness, and stopping worrying can give you a huge boost.

Humour
Those with a sense of fun and who can laugh, especially at themselves, are generally happier.

Laughing at yourself implies a sound sense of security with a reduced tendency to worry, which in turn contributes to happiness.

Achievement
People who challenge themselves, seeking to learn and achieve find pleasure not only in reaching their goals but also in the struggle and focus to get there.

They often set both smaller and larger goals, enabling them to get a sense of achievement in each of the little ...   Full text
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Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
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A sad-looking man sat at the bar in a crowded tavern. A drink sat on the bar in front of him, but he did not take a sip. Instead, he merely sat staring at the drink. He stayed like that for half an hour.

A beefy truck driver walked in, stepped up to the bar next to him, and waited impatiently to be served. When the bartender didn't appear, the truck driver looked over at the sad man's drink for a minute or two. Then he reached over, picked up the drink, and downed it in one gulp. The man sad looked up at him in shock and began to cry.

The truck driver, taken aback, felt contrite. Apparently this man had had a very bad day. He said, "Come on man, I was just joking. I'll buy you another drink. Just stop whining. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"It's not that," the sad man replied. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and got to my office late. My boss, outraged, fired me. When I ...   Full text
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A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.Fishy tales Will and Guy's humour

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!' ...   Full text
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I was waiting at a customer services station at Asda when a woman in front of me was returning a disposable barbeque. When asked why she was returning the barbeque, she replied, 'There was no meat in in it.'

The shop assistant patiently explained that the disposable barbeque was simply to cook the meat and it did not include any food. Whereupon, the customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

The assistant checked the receipt and asked: 'There are 3 barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?'

'I can't', said the woman, 'they are at home in the freezer'.
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This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket. Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails.

1. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.
2. Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
3. The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
4. You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.'


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Young Tony was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Manchester station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.

'The next train is in one hour,' intoned the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Tony had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

'Next one is sixty minutes from now,' grunted the stationmaster.

An hour later, Tony, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

'Your parents just left you,' said the stationmaster. 'Why are you laughing?'

Tony smiled, 'They only came to see me off.'
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An English public school was forced to raise its fees. The headmaster, Mr Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money was to institute an across the board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial 'n' in the last word, consequently, the letter read thus:

Dear Mr Elsworth

Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by 7% per anum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)

The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

Yours sincerely
W.K Elsworth
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Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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1. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
2. Please excuse Emma for being absent last week. She had flue so I had her shot.
3. Please excuse Eddie from P.E. Yesterday he fell out of a sycamore tree and misplaced his hip.
4. Chris will not be in school bus he has an acre in his side.
5. Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

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1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: ladies have fits upstairs.
2. Tailor shop, Greece: order your summers suit. because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: if this is your first visit to the ussr, you are welcome to it.
4. At a Budapest zoo: please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: 'The Lone Drainer - he come pronto.'
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An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses ?‚¬700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me', announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost ?‚¬700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda. 'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the ...   Full text
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