A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried.

“Doctor,” she said, “Since I had the baby I can’t sleep at night. When I’m in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won’t hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?”

“Easy,” said the doctor. “Just take the carpet off the floor.”

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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

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And I just had to include this next joke. It’s one of those jokes that’s just so stupid you have to laugh.

A woman wakes up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette.

Suddenly the phone rings. It’s her boyfriend saying he’s coming over.

She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed.

From under cover, the parrot mutters,

“Well that was a short fuckin’ day!”

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A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang. It was her husband warning her:

“Darling”, he said, “I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!”

“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde, “There’s f#cking hundreds of them!”

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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one: ...   Full text

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Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Gore?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning home, he decides he’d better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, “Hi, ...   Full text

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A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!)

“Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

“Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

“Very well,” replied the specialist. “Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the ...   Full text

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The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I’m home!
After 6 months: I’m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it’s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like ...   Full text

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Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction

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Overheard at a party:

The bookmakers are taking bets on who Donald Trump will marry next (a serious remark).

Odds are: Marla Maples 34 to 1, Elizabeth Taylor 5000 to 1, etc. etc., and Boy George 65000 to 1.

Someone else who overheard suggested that The Donald would place a large bet on Boy George and marry him to collect.

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Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the ...   Full text

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

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A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.
...   Full text

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A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,

“Grandpa, make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”

The little boy goes on, “Please Grandpa…please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then says to his sister,

“You go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says,

“Make a frog noise Grandpa.”

The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother no, and I’m telling you no.”

The little girl says, “Please…please Grandpa make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

The little girl replied,

“Because Mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”

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Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, ...   Full text

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Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal…..

That, my friend, is Globalization!

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On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun.

Investigation to that point had revealed that the deceased had jumped from
the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide (he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he passed the 9th floor on the way
down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing
him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety
net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers
and that the deceased would not have been able to complete his intent to
commit suicide because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent
ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he
intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death ...   Full text

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"


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A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

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One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated "I can't wait to get back to the White House...I'm going to rip Hillary's panties off".
The Secret Service Agent asked him "Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?

"No" said Clinton..."they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!"

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Not sure if it's true.....

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

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A guy had been suffering with a priapism for several days. No amount of sex would make him lose his erection. He went to the pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he might get a word with the pharmacist.

She was a little pissed off at his assumption. "Sir, I am the pharmacist."

"No," he explained, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."

"Sir," she repeated, "I am the pharmacist, my sister is also a pharmacist, we own this store. I would consider it a personal & professional compliment if you would ask me any question that you might ask of a male pharmacist.

Our hero was long on pecker, but short of words with embarrassment. He whipped out a 14 inch purple helmeted soldier of passion. "O.K. Lady, what can you give me for this....."

Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, "Um,Um, excuse me Sir. I must consult with my sister." She disappeared ...   Full text

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A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

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A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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I have found at my age that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to Grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What Could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that Will ...   Full text

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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."

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If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

Full text

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1. Did you hear about the prostitute who became a barber? She doesn't do fancy haircuts, but I hear she gives excellent 'trim.' Also, she shows off her 'vagina.'

2. I walked into the barbershop the other day, and he told me a haircut costs twenty dollars. Twenty bucks! Look, I can cut my own hair for free, then spend the 20 bucks I saved on the hat I'm going to have to wear for the next three months.

3. My wife asks me, "why do you keep going to have your haircut if you don't have any hair?" So I ask her, "How come you keep making beauty appointments?"

4. My girlfriend's really into that band N'Sync, so I went to the barber and told him to make me look like Justin Timberlake. So he gave me a pair of bloody underpants and jerked off into my face.

5. If people don't stop telling me to go get a haircut all the time, I swear to God I'm going to give one of them a face cut.

6. It's been said that a ...   Full text

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A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

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Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their ...   Full text

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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, ???I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.???

I said, ???Well, then why are you crying????

He said, ???She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.???

I said, ???Well, why are you crying????

He said, ???For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours???

I said, ???Well, why in the world would you be crying????

He said, ???I can???t remember where I live!!

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Once in a while you will find your wedding jokes corny and do not create a laughing atmosphere during a wedding. But you don???t have to feel some embarrassment because it happens to almost everyone. Even the most professional comedians or clowns get lost during their performances.

There are so many reasons why sometimes jokes tend to fail. Timing is very important and sometimes this was off, you forgot something to push or lead up a hard punch line. Punch lines sometimes are not that strong and very weak for your audience to respond. Lastly, one might pick a very wrong joke for the occasion.

How can you increase the possibilities your wedding jokes be funny to the wedding guests. Here are some tips:

1. Try your jokes first with a few people from your family or friends of different ages. If they laughed then there are chances it will work during the wedding.
2. If the jokes does not work with your friends and family, try to get ...   Full text

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A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

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Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.

Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn???t have any cash but if he takes him home he???ll give him a blow job. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.

So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up???

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, ???This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!??? So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies ??? two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ???Officer, I don???t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem????

???Ma???am,??? the officer replies, ???You weren???t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.???

???Slower than the speed limit???? she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly??? Twenty-Two miles an hour!??? the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her ...   Full text

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

???Are you the manager???? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. ???Actually, no,??? the man replies.

???Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,??? she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

???Can???t,??? breathes the bartender. ???He???s not here. Is there anything I can do????

???Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,??? she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender???s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

???What should I tell him???? the bartender manages to say.

???Tell him,??? she whispers, ???there ...   Full text

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Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn???t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, ???Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this???? The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, ???I can drop her off here on Mondays ...   Full text

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Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing under the bridge pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ???I want to go to Disneyland ???

Barack said, ???No problem, I???ll take you there on my plane.???

The second kid said, ???I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.???

Barack said, ???I???ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!???

The third kid said, ??? I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!???

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, ???But you don???t look like you???re handicapped.???

The kid said, ???I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!???

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This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children???s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children???s failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The Message Was :

???Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - ...   Full text

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An old farmer in Darwin had owned a large property for several years.

He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.

The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he yelled, "I'm here to ...   Full text

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, ???Man, I wish we had something to drink!??? Jim says, ???Me too. Y???know, I???ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it???? So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It???s Jim. Jim says, ???Hey, how do you feel this morning????

Dave says, ???I feel great, how about you????

Jim says, ???I feel great, too. You don???t have a hangover????

Dave says, ???No that jet fuel is great stuff???no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.???
...   Full text

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Who says today???s kids aren???t smart? Well, some of them are!

I wish I???d thought of this ...

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, ???I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day????.

Jose says, ???. ???Look at your sign, what does it say????

Carlos??? sign reads, ???I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.???

Jose says, ???No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.???

Carlos says, ???So what does your sign say????

Jose shows Carlos his sign??????

It reads, ???I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico???.???

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A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

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A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the mane but can???t seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it???s slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blonde???s foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth???s Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,??? Do you know her????
???Yes,??? I sighed, ???She???s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn???t been sober since.???

???My God!??? says my wife, ???Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long????

And then the fight started???..

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