Good Jokes

So you opened this because the subject line was about SEX. Would you have opened it if it said God? why not? Why is it so easy for people to spread the word of sex but get embarassed when it comes to God? There is no bribe of a miracle. If you truely belive in God then repost this and title the bulletin as "I WANT SEX" to get poeple to open it. If you don't believe in God then just ignore this.. don't be ashamed


In the Bible Jesus says, "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the ...   Full text

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

Your sitting on a bench reading a newspaper while eating a sandwich when you notice that there are 5 lawyers drowning and theres only enough time to save 3 what do you do? finish you sandwich or read your newspaper?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'msending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

This man walks along the beach and finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says "I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will get twice as much." The man says " I wish I had a million dollars." The genie snaps his fingers and the man gets 1 million and the lawyers get 2 million. The man says "I wish I had a mansion." The genie snaps his fingers and the man gets one mansions while the lawyers get 2. "Anything else?" "I've always wanted to donate a kidney," says the man.

Meet Bob. when bob drives and see's lawyers on the side of the road, he swerves to hit them and run the down.

one day bobs driving along and knocking down lawyers everywhere, when he comes across a priest. the priest is a long way from anywhere and so bob asks if hed like a ride.

the priest graciously accepts and hops in the back seat.

bob...forgetting that there is a preist in the back seat, sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, but as he looks in his rear view mirror he sees the priest and swerves back, narrowly missing the lawyer with the car.

he turns to the priest and says "sorry father"
the priest replies
"its okay ...   Full text

when do you know when a lawyer starts lieing?
When his lips start moving.

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he ...   Full text

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. ...   Full text

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Four Guys were on an airplane. The pilot(1), A 7 year old boy (2),A lawyer(3) and a doctor(4). The plane was begginning to lose altitude when then the engine broke.there were only 3 parachutes though. The doctor took a parachute and said" im a doctor i need to live because i save lives" and went off the plane. the pilot said" i need to live i take people where they need to go and their lives are in my hands i need to live" the lawyer said " i am amogst the smartest people in the the world the world needs a person like me." The little boy said go on preist i believe that god will guide me in the safe direction." the preist replied "don't fret child one of the smartest men in the world ...   Full text

Q: Why are there no lawyer jokes?
A: Cuz Lawyers don't think they're funny and people don't think they're jokes.

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world ...   Full text

One day a man was walking on a beach and he saw a maigic lamp.he rubbed it and a ginue came out.the ginue said"I will grant you 3 wishes however I am a lawyer's ginue so whatever you wish for all lawyers will get only double."The man says"I wish for a million dollars."The ginue reminds him that all lawyers will now have 2 million dollars.the man makes his second wish"I want my own island."the ginue reminds him that all lawyers now have two islands.The man thinks for a while and puts a evil smile and makes his last wish."I want to donate a kidney."

God calls the devil to make fun of him and ask him how badly it sucks in hell. While on the phone the Devil goes its actually pretty nice. We have an engineer down here and hes makin it comfy. Then god goes "I want him up here" the devil replies "no I like him, I'm gonna keep him" god says "ill sue you give him here" the devil laughs at him "hahahahahaha" "where are you gonna get a lawyer"

Do you want to know what the difference between a lawyer that had been run over and a snake that has been run over?...

In front of the snake there are skid marks....

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life.

A man is with a lawyer and the lawyer sais
"Well now,Since you divorced with your wife"
he continues
"She gets $2,000 dollars per month"
The man nods and the lawyer says
"and every once in a while ill put in a couple of dollars myself"

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a rapper together?
A: Yo Honor I's Objects

What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?
He gets taller.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I???m too young to die. I???m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you???re eighty two." "How???s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Q: Whats worse than a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff?
A: One seat empty!

There was a Russian a Cuban an american and a lawyer on a train. The Russian started the conversation with "Mother Russia has the best vodka ever and we have so much we can just throw it away." So the Russian throws a bottle out the window. Then the Cuban speaks up "Cuba has the best cigars and we have so much we could throw them away." So the Cuban throws some cigars out the window. Well the american say's '' we have too many lawers we can throw them away'' so the American gets up and walks over to the lawyer and throws him out the window.

A guy walks into a bar and says "You know wat, lawyers are assholes." a guy in the back stands up and says "i take offense to that." The first guy looks at him and says "why, you a lawyer?" and he replys "no, im an asshole"

A man and a woman were fighting for custody for their three-year-old son. The woman said she should get to keep the child because she brought it into this world. The judge replied,

"In this case the child would go to the mother. If you can come up with something better, you can keep the child."

The father thought for awhile and then said,

"Judge, if you put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out, whom does the coke belong to? The machine or me?"

Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!