Good Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America???s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, ???They aren???t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.???
???I don???t believe it,??? the host responded.

???It???s true, I swear it,??? said the woman. ???I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer???s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.???

Whats the difference between and dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks before the dog....

Q: You're stranded on an island with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer. You have the gun and there are only two bullets; so which do you shoot?

A: The lawyer; twice...

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

My wife refuses to use Inter Flora for people's birthdays. She says she doesn't think people would like margarine as a present.

My Husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes - but where can you find a bloodshot tie?

When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: "Hey, what's eating you?"

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

Q: What do you give nin-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Q: Why did the wife not put birthday candles on her husband's birthday cake?
A: It was not that she did not want to make him feel old, she wanted to save the environment.

Q: Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill coubord quietly?
A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!!!!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

When the doctor came to visit my aunt Claudette my aunt said: 'Doctor, I hope you're going to tell me that I'm very ill.'
The doctor looked at my aunt said: 'But why? Don't you want me to say you're very healthy?'
'No,' replied aunt Claudette. 'I feel absolutely terrible. And I don't want to feel like this if I'm healthy. But I'm sure you can make me better.'

Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.'
Doctor: 'Would you like an apple or a banana?'

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
'Why do you feel that?' he asked.
'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tyre marks on my legs.'

'Doctor, doctor! I feel like a piano.'
'Then I'd better take some notes.'

When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: 'Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?'
'I don't know,' replieed the young man, 'I don't think I'd dare hold a match to it.'

'Doctor, doctor! Can you help me? My tongue keeps sticking out.'
'That's good. Now, if you can just lick these stamps...'

While I was in teh doctor's waiting room there was this tiny man only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.

The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head.
The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable. I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.'
'Cut it off?' snapped the woman. 'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.'

When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell, he said: 'I'm not surprised. You were made upside down.'

Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.'
Doctor: 'Why?'
Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.'

What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?
'Necks please!'

Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.
'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.'
'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your treatment I've just inherited five million pounds.'

Since I had treatment by a private doctor I've lost five kilos in weight. The doctor's bill was so enormous I've been unable to afford to buy any food to eat.