Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer" Full text

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. Full text

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone." Full text

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" Full text

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!" Full text

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!" Full text

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor." Full text

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill." Full text

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." Full text

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year." Full text

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor." Full text

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic ... Full text

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!" Full text

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia." Full text

Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.' Full text

The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.' Full text

Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.'
Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.'
Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?' Full text

Patient: 'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better?'
Doctor: 'Well, let's put it this way - none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.' Full text

Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.
Have you seen a psychiatrist?
No - only pink striped crocodiles. Full text

Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a spoon.'
Sit down and don't stir.' Full text

Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.' Full text

Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.' Full text

Patient: 'Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?'
Doctor: 'What about a bicycle pump?' Full text

Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?'
Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?' Full text

Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.'
Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.' Full text

Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.' Full text

Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.' Full text

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: If you aim it well enough. Full text

Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant. Full text

Q: What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They get blown out on the same day every year. Full text