Good Jokes

'Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.'
'Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops.'

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.

Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a whole sheep.'
Doctor: 'How do you feel?'
Patient: 'Quite baa-d.'

Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
'Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'
'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.'

When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she told me to get the end of the cue.

When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave me a razor blade.

Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.'
Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?'
Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.'

Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any.

'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?'
'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.'

Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery.
'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist.
'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?'
'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.'

I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.

The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl.

Doctor: 'Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?'

Miss Jones: 'Oh. no, doctor, never!'

Doctor: 'Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample you sent, do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?'

Miss Jones: 'Quite sure, doctor. Can I go now?'

Doctor: 'No.'

Miss Jones: 'But why not?'

Doctor: 'Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.'

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.' ...   Full text

Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'

Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen ...   Full text

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, ...   Full text

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. ...   Full text

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc. "I have migranes, too...and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into ...   Full text

One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.

"D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?"

"Hop on to the table, and I'll give you an exam."

After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.

"It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected."

"I d-d-d-don't c-c-c-care. I'll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes."

So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the ...   Full text

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married ...   Full text

The doctor took his patient into the room and said,

"I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen ...   Full text

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on ...   Full text

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
Full text

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A2: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
A3: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A4: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A5: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
A6: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They would wait for a suitable donor ...   Full text

You Might Be an E.R. Volunteer if...

your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden.
you have delusions of being an emergency doctor.
the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.
you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you'r some kind of a freak.
your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the ass that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"
your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.
your ...   Full text

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...

your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
you ...   Full text

Q: What is a double-blind study?
A: Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can ...   Full text