A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So the ... Full text

yo mama is so stupid she climbed a glass wall to c wt was on da otha side !!! Full text

ur mamma so fat shes skinny!! Full text

One day, an old lady went to the bank and asked if she could talk with the president (She was carrying a big bag). So went she sat on the chair unfront of the president she said: i want to save 1 million dollars in my count and she leaves all the money on the presidents desk, surprised, the president said: But how could you get all that money?, On bets said the old lady. You Cudnt win all that ... Full text

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." Full text

Scientists stopped using mice for experiaments and started using lawyers.
Turns out its quite easy to get attatched to a rodent. Full text

Two lawyers and their boss go out for lunch and run into a genie.

"If you all give me five dollars each, I'll grant you one wish." The genie sighed.

All three lawyers debated and gave the genie fifteen dollars total. The first one goes, "I would like to go to Paradise and never come back." He was gone.

"Wow, that was some serious shit," said the other ... Full text

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's ... Full text

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to ... Full text

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on ... Full text

Your Mamma is so ugly her nickname is hairy pooter.

Your Mamma is so ugly she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother".

Your Mamma is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh!t out of the toilet.

Your Mamma is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank she didnt have to wear a mask, she just walked up and said "Put the money in the bag"
... Full text

Yo mommas so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Your mamas so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo mommas so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard

Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light

Yo mommas so fat she had to get ... Full text

Your mommas so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV

Your mommas so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up

Your mommas so dumb she got hit by a parked car

Your mommas so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl

Your mommas so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the ... Full text

Surgeons looking at the X-ray picture:
- Oh-hhh! Clavicle and two ribs broken, crack in fibula. Not bad, in Photoshop will corrected. Full text

Whats the differences between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!!!! Full text

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Full text

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Full text

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Full text

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Full text

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Full text

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Full text

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers? Full text

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark! Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Full text

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
... Full text

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like ... Full text

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on ... Full text

Brunette: When's your birthday?
Blonde: June 23rd. What about you?
Brunette: December 25.
Blonde: Oh my god your so lucky your birthday is on Easter! Full text

Brunette: Today is my niece's birthday. Do you wanna come to her party?
Blonde: What day is today?
Brunette: January 11.
Blonde: Oh I'm sorry for your niece.
Brunette: What, why?
Blonde: Since her birthday is in January, she has to wait a whole year til her next birthday. Full text

man1:'' I got my wife a vcp''
man2:''Don't you mean a vcr"?
man1:"No, a vcp..... very cheap present! Full text

A middle aged woman went shopping one day for a birthday present for her husband. Since their sex life had been less than satisfactory for several years, see wanted to get something to spice it up.
She went through store after store in the mall, but could find nothing she wanted. She sat down on a bench and broke out into tears.
After a few minutes she looked up and noticed that ... Full text