Good Jokes

Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'

Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.'

Patient: 'Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?'
Doctor: 'What about a bicycle pump?'

Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?'
Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'

Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.'
Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.'

Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.'

Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.'

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: If you aim it well enough.

Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.

Q: What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They get blown out on the same day every year.

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ...   Full text

yo mama is so stupid she climbed a glass wall to c wt was on da otha side !!!

ur mamma so fat shes skinny!!

One day, an old lady went to the bank and asked if she could talk with the president (She was carrying a big bag). So went she sat on the chair unfront of the president she said: i want to save 1 million dollars in my count and she leaves all the money on the presidents desk, surprised, the president said: But how could you get all that money?, On bets said the old lady. You Cudnt win all that money playin bets (President).

Oh Yeah?? I bet you 25.000$ that your balls are squared. The President thought a while and finally agreed. Old Lady: and just to make sure you say i cheatied, ill bring my lawyer tomorrow at 10:00 am.

That night the banks president stared his ...   Full text

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Scientists stopped using mice for experiaments and started using lawyers.
Turns out its quite easy to get attatched to a rodent.

Two lawyers and their boss go out for lunch and run into a genie.

"If you all give me five dollars each, I'll grant you one wish." The genie sighed.

All three lawyers debated and gave the genie fifteen dollars total. The first one goes, "I would like to go to Paradise and never come back." He was gone.

"Wow, that was some serious shit," said the other two.

The second lawyer goes and wishes for a beautiful wife and unlimited money in Paradise.

The boss looks at his watch and says to the genie, "I want them both back by 3:30."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

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Your Mamma is so ugly her nickname is hairy pooter.

Your Mamma is so ugly she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother".

Your Mamma is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh!t out of the toilet.

Your Mamma is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank she didnt have to wear a mask, she just walked up and said "Put the money in the bag"

Your Mamma is so ugly she shaves her pits with a lawn mower.

Yo mommas so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Your mamas so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo mommas so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard

Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light

Yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at sea world

Your mommas so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again

Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide

Yo mommas so fat that when the whales saw her ...   Full text

Your mommas so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV

Your mommas so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up

Your mommas so dumb she got hit by a parked car

Your mommas so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl

Your mommas so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the T.V

Your mommas so dumb she thinks a quarterback is a refund

Your mommas so dumb she tried to kill herself by jumping out of the basement window

Your mommas so dumb the computer said press any key to continue and she was looking for the any key

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Surgeons looking at the X-ray picture:
- Oh-hhh! Clavicle and two ribs broken, crack in fibula. Not bad, in Photoshop will corrected.

Whats the differences between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!!!!

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave