Good Jokes

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You might be a redneck if...
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You might be a redneck if...
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

You might be a redneck if...
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You might be a redneck if...
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Q: Where were lemons first found?
A: In a tree!

Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned?
A: On her head!

Q: What's black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two Zebras fighting over a pickle.

Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: If we get together, we could make some cents.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.
Q: What did the snail say when he got a ride on a turtle?
A: WEEEEEEEEE.
Q: Why did the mummy go to jail?????
A: becase he had a bum wrap!!!!!
Q: Simon can you spell yourname backwards?
A: nomis!
Q: What do you call a cammal with three humps?
A: humphrey!
Q: What did the glove say to the ball?
A: Catch ya later!

Q: How do you stop fish from smelling?
A: Cut their noses off.

Q: What's black and white and read all over?
A: a newspaper!

There was a French man, English man and a stupid man.
The French man caught a rabbit, so the English man said:
"How did you catch it?"
The French man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a rabbit."
So then the English man caught a moose, and the stupid man said:
"How did you get that?"
The English man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a moose."
Then the stupid man comes back and the French man and the English man said:
"What happened to you.?"
The stupid man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I got hit by a train!!!!!!!

What has a head and a foot but no arms?
A bed!

The turtle took two chocolates to Texas, to teach Thomas to tie his shoes. How many "Ts" in that?
There are 2 "Ts" in "THAT!

What kind of keys do kids like to carry?
Coo-kies!
Why do Teddy Bear biscuits wear long trousers?
Because they've got crummy legs
Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
Because they take too long changing!
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
He wanted a clean getaway!

What has 5 eyes, is blind, goes for miles, yet bumps into nothing?
The Mississippi River!

What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel!

Whats the hardest part about sky diving?
The Ground!

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
One! After that its not empty! (
What washes up on very small beaches?
Microwaves!
Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week?
They only work on wick-ends!
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
What breaks when you say it?
Silence!
If Phil & Lil were a fruit, what kind would they be?
A pear (pair)

Why can't you starve in a desert?
Because of all the "sand which is" there!
What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A hole! (
If a man falls into an outhouse hole, how long will he be in there?
It depends on how many moons he sees!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
The road!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change! (
What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow! (
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming!

What did the dentist say to his computer?
You have a severe Megabyte
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked!
What do you get when you throw Daffy Duck into the ocean?
Saltwater Daffy!
Why did Jon go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date! (
What goes all around a pasture but never moves?
A fence!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs
How do you say chocolate in French?
Chocolate in French!
Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny!

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
Hi Cliff!
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyouthinkysarus!
What did the robot say when his battery went dead?
AC Come, AC Go!
What did Pooh say to his agent?
Show me the honey!
What's the last thing you take off before going to sleep?
Your feet off the floor!
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore!
What should you do when you're dying?
Go into the living room & eat life savers!
What has four legs but doesn't move?
A table!
What is H204?
Drinking!

Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?
His son...he was a little Bigger!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have any money!
How do you make antifreeze?
Hide her nightgown!
What did one candle say to the other candle?
Lets go out tonight!
What do you call a city with 2,000 eggs?
New Yolk City
What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course!
Why did the man throw his pants out the window?
He heard the newspaper boy yell "Free Press"!

What has teeth but cannot eat?
A comb!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What goes up the chimney down, but not down the chimney up?
An umbrella!
What do you call a funny guy whose face changes colors?
A chameleon
What song does a van radio play?
A cartoon (car tune)!
Why is Santa Claus like a busy gardener?
Because all he does is HO HO HO!
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!

What did the shaggy dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer!
Why does the letter A look like a flower?
Because a b(bee) always comes after it!
Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
Because he swept her off her feet!
What form of math discusses plant growth?
Geometry (Gee-I'm a Tree)! (
When does a cart come before a horse?
In the dictionary!
What two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?
MT!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Why did the teacher jump ...   Full text