Good Jokes

What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale ?
You can't keep a good man down !

Q: Who designed Noah's ark?
A: An ark-itect !

Q: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans ?
A: Speaking Latin !

Q: Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?
A: He wanted Mark Antony !

Q: Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America ?
A: On their feet !

Q: Why does history keep repeating itself ?
A: Because we weren't listening the first time !

Q: Who succeeded the first President of the USA ?
A: The second one !

Q: If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas ?
A: His wife !

Q: Why did Eve want to move to New York ?
A: She fell for the Big Apple !

Q: What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ?
A: Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !

A history joke
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
A history joke
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
Toga-ether we can rule the world!
Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!
What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"
A history joke
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else!
A math joke
Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: ...   Full text

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
A history joke
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
A history joke
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Aardvark
A vark that thinks it's tough !
Abdomen
Men with beer bellies !
Abigail
Strong wind heard in a monastery !
Absent Minded
Oh ! I seem to have forgotten this one !
Absolute
The best musical instrument in the World, ever !
Abundance
Lots of dancing cakes
Abyss
An abbot's wife
Accidental
When you fall and knock your teth out on the way to the dentist
Acorn
An oak in a nutshell
Actor
A man who tries to be everything but himself
Adult
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and has started growing in the middle
Advertising
Makes you think you've always wanted something that ...   Full text

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
Who invented fractions ?
Henry the 1/8 !
What does "Minimum" mean ?
A very small mother !

What does "Maximum" mean ?
A very big mother !
What's the difference between an American student and an English student ?
About 3000 miles !
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?
A kipper !
What's the nearest thing to silver ?
The Lone Ranger's bottom !
Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich ?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking !
What kind of biscuit would you find at the south pole ?
A penguin !
What is a ...   Full text

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
Teacher: You new here aren't you, what's your name ?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that ?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name !
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses ?
Because his class was so bright !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher ?
He couldn't control his pupils !
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to ?
Pupil: Nobody I know !

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age ?
Pupil: The sausage !

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either !
Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you ?
Pupil: How did you know ?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither" !

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher ?
Lots of blood tests !

What kinds of tests do they give witches ?
Hex-aminations !

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that ?
It's snowing outside !

Father: How were the exam questions ?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy ?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really ?, what did she say ?
Son: Baa !

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kansas!
Kansas who?
Kansas the best way to buy tuna!

oh man, i remember playing on the teetor totter, going up and down and up and down until some jack ass jumps of at the last minute and you smoke your jewels at 60 miles per hour

There were three aliens that whanted to take over the world but they had to learn the language so they went to go learn a word the first alien went to a park and he saw some kids playing soccor and they were voting on who was going to go get the ball and this kid yelled out "me me " .so that is what the first alien learned .the second alien went to a dinner and a couple yelled out we need "forks and knives". so tha is what the second alien learned .the third alien went to a school and he say a little kid that was running after some kids yelling "wait for me ".so that is what the third alien learned so they all meet up agian in a field and they tolled each other what they learned so ...   Full text

One day three kids where playing in the playground and where jumping on all the play equipment, having the time of there lives.
When the first kid was under the slide making a sand castle a little dwarf wizard appeared.
The little boy asked,'hi little wizard what are you here for?'
The little Wizard replied,' Ive come to grant you three one wish each because this is a magic slide!'
'Let me explain how it works', said the wizard.'When any one of you goes down the slide you can make a wish while you are sliding and at the end of the slide there is what you have wished for.'
'Wow!' said little Johnny, the first boy that saw the wizard.' Ill go first.'
So little ...   Full text

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven, eight (ate), nine

What sits in the corner, is red and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby with a potato pealer!

What sits in the corner, is red and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby with a potato pealer!