Good Jokes

Ken bigley reading a statement and halfway through it l;oses the head and goes home

Q: Whats the best part of haing sex with 8 years olds?
A: Hearing their pelvis crack.
Q:Whats the best part with haveing sex with 28 year olds?
A: Theres 20 of them.
Q: Whats better than having sex with 8 year olds?
A: Nothing

Q: What did one octapuss say to the other?
A: Wanna hold my hand,hand,hand,hand,hand,hand,hand,hand?

teacher: y r u crawling into class 10 minutes late??
student: because u sed dont walk into the class late again.
student: sir would u punish some one for what they didnt do?
teacher:no
student: thats good cause i didnt do my home work.

there were three kids, the first kid comes up to his father and says why is my name apple and his father says because a apple fell on your head when you were born then the second kid came up to his father and asked why is my name orange and his father said because a orange fell on your heed when you were born then the third kid came up to his father and said da, then his father said quiet cinder block.

There was this boy with a red wagon, he was pulling it up a large hill and at the top of the hill was a church. Well in the middle of the hill there was a huge mud puddle and his wagon was stuck. So this little kid was swearing his ass of, saying fuck this stupid peice of shit wagon, and he carried on cursing.
All of the sudden a nun approached him and said, "Little boy, little boy you sholdn't swear that. God is always with you, you know." Then the boy said, "You mean God is with me when I wake up in the morning?" The nun replied, "Yes", "and god is with me when I eat breakfast?" "Yes" replied the nun. "Is God in my little red wagon right now?" asked the boy. "Yes" replied ...   Full text

why did humty dumty push is wife of the so he could see here crack

Me and my friend went fishing and we forgot to put some all in my truck

yo mama so ugly when she wobbles down the street in seotember, folk say, ''damn it, cant believe it's halloween already...''

why was the boy kicked out the boy scouts ?
because he was caught eating a brownie

one night a man and a women went into a restraunt. 3 people came out. How is that possible.

Marlin: How do you know the sea is friendly?
Dory: IT WAVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a father walked past his litle boys room and heard the boy saying "god bless mummy, daddy, grandma bye bye grandpa!" the father thought nothing of it and was glad the boy was praying. the next day they found the boys grandfather dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy, daddy bye bye grandma." the next day the grandma was found dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy bye bye daddy." the father was realy worried and stayed up all night in the morning he went to the doctor "help i think i'm going to die" but the doctor went "your perfectly fine." the father went home feeling worried but when he walked through the front door his wife went "i'm ...   Full text

why is letting your kid stop at the jacksons house of love like playing bingo?
Because it`s a bit of a gamble but hey, you could ern a few quid

TEACHER: OK boys and girls lets talk about brilliant things, if you know whats brilliant, raise your hand and i'll point to one of you and you'll tell me whats brilliant. So raise your hand please class. Peter?
PETER: Monster twucks
TEACHER: Monster trucks are brilliant to some people, good. ummmm Rosie?
ROSIE: Fwowers
TEACHER: Good Rosie, excellent, now Michael?
MICHAEL: A pwegnent 15 year old girl
TEACHER: Well a pregnant girl is brilliant in any age but why do you say a 15 year old?
MICHAEL: My older sister is 15 years old and when she told my dad that she's pwegnent he said "Well thats fucking brilliant"

YO MAMA SO UGLY SHE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND GOT ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPED MURDER

Q: Why Did The Tomato Blush?
A:Because he saw the salad dressing please e-mail me

Your mom is such a sult she is like a bowling ball, she gets fingered by
everyone, throw away, and always comes back for more.

Daughter says to her mother:
- Mommy, they say I am abnormal!
- Who so says?
- Flies.

There was a boy named James and his H.W. was to find out the first 4 letters of the alphabet. So he went to his mom and said "Mom wats the first letter of the alphabet" the mom says "Leave me alone" so he writes down "Leave me alone".
Then he goes to his dad and says "Dad wats the second letter of the alphabet" the dad says "Don't bother me" so he wrote down " Don't bother me".
Then he went to his brother, who happened to be watchin Batman, he asks his brother "Jon wats the third letter of the alpahbet" Jon says " da da da Batman, da da da Batman" so he wrote down "da da da Batman, da da da Batman".
Then he went to his sister who happened to be on the phone, and says ...   Full text

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ahmed!
Ahmed who?
Ahmedeus Motzart!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfie!
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfalfa!
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred of the dark!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!