Good Jokes

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

U knOw Ur pOOr whEn U hAvE tO UsE A plAstIc bAg As A cOndOm!!!

Two turd - burgler butt buddies, are getting ready for bedtime & going thru their rituals. The one, sees the other smearing vaseline aggressively onto his bare chest & says "What the hell you doing that for?" He replies.
"Silly, I was talking to one of the 'girls' & he told me that if I wanted a hairy chest that I should rub vaseline on it, - so there! " The other responds.
" You dipshit !! You know if THAT were true, you'd have a pony - tail hangin' outta yer ASSHOLE by now !! "

How do you tell if a chick's to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

the big bad wolf said to little red riding hood "unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits" fuck off she replied as she tugged down her pantie's "eat me like the fuckin book says"

you know your a yankee that wants to be a red neck when when you go to bead and then when you wake up you found out you slept with your grandma
and she said ,"last night was grat."

i time a dick a apple and a apple says 'got it worst they peel me and eat me'. the bannana says 'no i got i worst the pell me eat ,e and put me on the ground so people can slip on me'. the dick says 'no i got it worst they put a bag over my face and put me in a cave then they coke my contustly untill i throw up'.

Once there was a 85 year old man who was suckin on a 80 year old womans tits. The next day the man was dead so she asked the Doctor how he had died, and the Doctor said that he had died cos he had Expired Milk

Why Michael Jackson go out with thirty nine year olds?
Because there were thirty of them!

A torist goes on vacation to shara and gets straded so he makes friends
with a group of 2 monts later the guy is horny so he asked a guy where
can he fuck a girl so the guy tells him use the camel they had the gu says
fuck no so he asked someone else they said the same thing so he waits
2 mouths so he starts to fuck the camel all the guys are like what the fuck
are you doing your suppose to take the camel in to town.

what did the pilgrim say to the pilgrim?
what.
you have no face. just a live fish.

An old farmer is dying and is on his deathbed, puts an ad in the paper stating, "Old Farmer Dying, can have farm, land and money, if you marry my daughter"
Young city guy sees the ad, "Most farm girls are hot! Why not!"
Goes talks with farmer agrees to marry the farmer's daughter. Shes called into the room, the first time the city boy sees her. And too his shock she's not HOT in fact she's butt fucking ugly, fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch including the exposed roots! Plus she's dumb as a post!
However, he goes, "You know what it's a lot of money and land, screw it I'll throw a bag on her head when I fuck her.
A few months pass, the farmer is now dead. The ...   Full text

Question:what would u do of the condoms if u had sex 365 daysof a year?
answer:make it a tyre and call it goodyear.

why do blondes have vaginas
so a guy will talk to them

A model was snogging her boyfriend when suddenly a bee flew into her vagina the actress started screaming so the boyfriend called her doctor over. The doctor came 5 minutes later he told the actress to get into her four poster bed and told her boyfriend to go and get some honey so the boyfriend gave the doctor some honey. The boyfriend waited outside. After about 10 minutes the boyfriend looked in the to see the curtains closed and the models clothes on the floor. The man rushed in to see the doctor sticking his penis with honey on in the ladies vagina moving it around. The doctor explained to the man how he was to trying to attract the bee out. The man closed the curtain and then heard ...   Full text

There are 3 friends walking on a beach.
They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini.
2 of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday.
They see the same girl again, now she is topless.
2 friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday.
They see the same girl again, now is completely naked!
2 friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The 2 friends catch up to the last guy and ask him,"Why are you running
away from such a beautiful sight?"
He says,"My mother told me when I was a little boy that if ...   Full text

Whats good about fingering a gypsy when she has her periods?
You get your palm read for nothing!

There was a mother and daughter walking down the street one day, and they saw two dogs doing it. The daughter was like, "Mommy, what is them two dogs doing?" "They are making donuts baby lets go." So that night the mother and father did it on the couch. When they were finished they went upstairs and the daughter came down and saw something on the couch. So the next morning while the mother was making breakfast the daughter was like, "Mommy I know what you and daddy was doing last night, yall was making donuts, cuz I tasted the frosting on the couch."

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

this poop face walked into a bar and said i hate myself. Then the bartender asked whys that? the man replied...i have an extremely small penis. then the bartender says well my penis is so big i could cut it in half and we could split it and have large penises. then the man says k bye!!!!!!!!!!!!
if it is not funny the first time try saying it in different accents

A student said "dam, it smells like tuna fish", another student replied with "Stephanie close your legs"

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake ...   Full text

One day a young teenager was in his room jacking off when his father came into the room and caught him. He said "son I dont want to ever catch you doing that again, that will cause babies.
The next day the teenager was so bothered that he could not stand it, so he went behind the house to relieve himself, as he did, he shot his load on the ground and covered it with a rock. The next day he thought to himself that no one caught him so he will go do it again. When he got there he seen the rock and looked up under it and saw a lizard. He picked up the lizard looked at it carefully and said " your an ugly little thing but daddy still loves you."

why are queers happy that they have nutsacks? because they use them as mudflaps

what is 12 inches long and white?
nothing

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.

You know your womans too fat when...
(1)She insists the bed to be on the floor (no pegs)
(2)You can only come up with 1 sex position.
(3)If you gatta sleep on the floor.
(4)When she gets on her knees,she falls over.
(5)When she lays on her back...And she's even taller.
You know your womans too ugly when...
(1)You gatta watch porn before you have sex.
(2)She's gatta stand at the dinner table.
(3)Your names Nancy trying to pick up dick on a sex joke site (just hadda be added)
(4)You gatta drink at a bar and look at her picture till she looks good before you go home.
(5)If "she's" gatta beg you for sex.
You know your womans too nasty ...   Full text

Zeek walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's fucking?" His father asks, "Boy, how old are you?" Zeek says, " I am 9." His father says, " Well, I guess your about that age, but it's easier to show you than explain it to you. So, stop by our room later on and mom and I will show you." Later that evening, Zeek knocks on the door. Dad says, "Honey, today Zeek asked me what fucking was so we are going to show him." Dad puts his arm around Zeek and says, "Now Zeek, do you see that hole between your mom's legs?" Zeeks replies, "Yes Sir." Dad says, "Watch ole dad." A few minutes later Zeek's little brother walks in and asks, "Zeek, what are they doing?" Zeeks replies, "Boy, How old ...   Full text

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said ...   Full text

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes