Good Jokes

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along.

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you ...   Full text

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."

once a man and his wife went in london underground .they went through a tunnel and on sound came aahh!!!.the man shouted who pressed my wife's boobs press again i want to take fingerprints.

This boy was at his girlfriend's house celebrating her birthday. Afterwards, the boy was taking a shower when the girl came up and asked, " Can I get in the shower with you?" The boy replied, "NO!" Then the girl said, "Pleeease. It's my birthday." "Well, ok. But don't look down," said the boy. The girl got in and looked down. She said," What's THAT?" " That is Mr. Pisser," replied the boy. So, the boy went to bed and the girl came up and asked," Can I play with Mr. Pisser?" "NOO!!!"exclaimed the boy. The girl said," Pleeease. It's my birthday." The boy then said," Well, ok." He woke up the next day and he was in the hospital. He exclaimed,"WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN THE HOSPITAL?!" The ...   Full text

There are these two women, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year. One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one i called 7up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second one i called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third i called Jack Daniels." Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?" The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"

Theres a guy and 2 girls trapt in a Volcano, the girls have the ability to fly. So one of the girls flys to the top of the valcano and hits her and and falls down. she goes to the guy and askes "how do we get out of here?" He replys "suck my dick and ill tell you" so she sucks his dick and then he hits her on the head and she falls in the lava and dies. the other girl flies to the top of the volcano, hits her head and falls. So she goes to the guy and asks " how do we get out of here?" the guy replys suck my dick and ill tell you." so she sucks his dick and he hits her on the head and she falls in the lava and dies. How did the Guy get out?. . . . . . .
suck my dick and ill tell you.

one day sexy girls went to god and asked him"why did you make the boys penis so ugly".the god said because it is ugly you fuck it if it was beautiful you would go wild and eat it.

Mother F**ker
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?
Amber:yes.
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he ...   Full text

Yo mama's so fat she uses a space shuttle as a vibrator.

Bob's wife just got into a coma. Sitting beside her bed he decided to grab her breast. Suddenly after doing that his wifes heart rate shot up, and she open her eyes, but closed them and lost consciencness again. About ten minutes later Bob walks out of the Room all sad, the doctor ask whats wrong and Bob replies "She choked to Death"

Three female friends are sitting around one day talking about thier boyfriends. They all discover that thier names are all Leroy. They decide to name them all after soda pops so they'll know who thier talking about. The first girl decides to name hers 7-up. Because he's 7 inches and is always up. Second girl says I'm going to call mine Mountain Dew. Because every time I mount him he can always do me. Third girl says I'm going to call mine Jack Daniels. Other girls say thats not a soda pop, thats a hard liquor. She says thats my Leroy.

What does Cinderella do every time she gets to the ball?
She chokes.

Q. what do crabs use the tampon cords for
A. bungee jumping

Pee
wee
don't
wanna
maybe
tomorrow.
A new kid named pee wee moves to a new school. A girl ask "will you walk me home?" Pee wee don't wanna maybe tomorrow. Please? Ok. "after every question he say pee wee don't waqnna maybe tomorrow and then please."" Will you come to my room? pee wee don't wanna maybe tomorrow. please? ok. Will you have sex with me? ""pwdwmt. Please? OK. 20 minutes later dad walks in and says Get off my daughter you little bastard!!! PWDWMT

Their is a new priest in the parish.
he has to do the confessions and the head priest gives him a list of wat prayers to give for various sins.
(in the confession box)
girl:Father i have been spreading my legs all around town.
priest:(looks down at list) that will be 3 hail marys
Girl2:Father i gave a boy a handjob!
Priest:(looks down at list again) that will be 2 our fathers and a hail mary
Girl3;Father i gave a boy a blowjob.
Priest looks down at list and it dosent say how many prayers to give for blowjob he goes out to the alter boys.
Priest: how much does Father Farrell give for a blowjob
Alterboy: A Packet of smarties and ?2............

There was girl flie and 1 boy fly. They were stuck in a bottle and the girl
fly kept flying around ask how we gonna get out of here? The boy said giv me head and i will tell you she sais no! But she kept asking the same question? How we gonna get out of here? he said give me head and i will tell you. finally she gave him head and his dick went so far down her throat and killed her. How did you think the fly go out?????????
GIV ME HEAD AND I WILL TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a little boy, his parents, and the little boy's gramma living in a house together. One morning the gramma calls the little boy downstairs for breakfast. When he gets there he asks, "where are mommy and daddy?" and the gramma replies, "their still in bed." The little Boy laughs and goes out to play until he;s called by his gramma for lunch. "Where are mommy and daddy?" he asks at lunch. "Their still in bed." she replies. The little boy laughs again and goes out to play until his gramma calls him in for dinner. "Where are mommy and daddy?" the little boy asks. "Their still in bed." the gramma replies. The little boy giggles again and the gramma asks "why do you keep laughing ...   Full text

there was this couple who took their son on a campin trip and in the room there was only one bunk bed. so the couple laid on the top and when they were about to have sex they made up code words for faster and slower. faster was lettuce and slower was tomato. when the son asked what they were doin, they told him they were makin a salad. the little boy then replied well could u be more careful because your spillin salad dressing on my face

there is a doctors conference at the local hospital and many are invited. During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female sitting with the rest of the people at the conference. After the conference he goes up to her and asks do you want to go out for a drink. "Yes please" she said. Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my Hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drink. Next they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal. When they return home they realise they are really turned on by each other and they ...   Full text

Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom?
One u go in the other u come in!

One day, little jonny asked his mum what sex was.
"tonight, go in2 ur sisters room n hide behind the curtain and watch what she does with her boyfriend"
The next morning she asks jonny what happned.
Little jonny expalined "well at first, they were just kinda talkin and laughin then they hugged n kissed, sister got a fever cos she said dhe was feeling hot.
So sis's boyfriend put his hand up her shirt to find her heart, like a doc would do. Except he aint so smart cos both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have gotten cold as he shoved that up her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan n sigh, n ...   Full text

Bob was a car garage owner in New York before he decided to travel the world. During his trip to Africa, he decides to take a camel ride across the desert. He has been traveling for several days, and is geting very horny. He decides to try and go at it with the camel. He tried many times, but could never get the camel to stand still. A few days pass, and he happens to run into a car full of young horny blondes with big brests. They ask him, "Sir, could you fix our car for us? It broke down." So he agrees. He fixes it and they tell him they will do anything for him. So he asks, Ladies...
Can you hold my camel still while I try to F*ck it?

Mary had a little lamb her cow had B.S.E mary was a kiky slut and give them H.I.V

Q:how do u know when a mechanic just had sex
A: HIS fingers are clean

One day little Johnny was sitting under the apple tree polishing an apple. The neighborhood cop (that everyone knows) walks up to little Johnny and say I'll give you 25 cents for that there apple. Little Johnny replies, no way your crazy!!!!! So the Cop Bids high, 50 cents, nope, 75 cents, nope, 1 dollar, nope, 1.25, nope, 1.50, nope, 1.75, nope, 2 dollars and that's my finally offer. Little Johnny replies, no way!! Puzzled the cop asked Little Johnny way wont you sell me that there apple? Little Johnny paused for a second and then replied, MY SISTER GOT CADDY FOR HER CHERRY, SO I PLAN ON GETTING A FRATE TRAIN FOR THIS HERE APPLE.

a woman walks in to a gynochologists office. he looks at her and all of his proffesionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine. he asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. 'do you know what im doing?' he asks her. 'yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.'
'yes' he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits, 'do you know what im doing now?' he asks her. 'yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.'
'yes' he replied. then he mounted her and started having sex with her, 'do you know what im doing now?' he asks her.
'yeh, your getting herpes, which is why i came to see you!'

I picked up my date last Saturday and as she got into the car I really noticed how provocatably sexy she was dressed. When I got into the drivers seat she opened the conversation by saying "Gee, you smell great tonight, what have you got on? Dazed by her beauty, I replied, "I've got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it.

Q:how did burger dairy queen get pregnet
A:burger king forgot 2 rap his waper

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" ...   Full text