Good Jokes

What is oral sex?
A taste of things to come.

Why did Cavemen drag their women by the hair on their head?
Answer: If you drag then by their feet, they fill up with mud.

A pissed off wife finally says to her husband whose been bothering her for sex "thats it! I demand some manners in bed just like at the dinning table." Then her husband slowly creeps into the bed and says "Honey......Please pass me the virgina!"

A penis says to his balls ' come on lads we're going to a party. ' The balls reply ' You fukin liar, you go inside and leave us outside knocking! '

Question? Why does it take a woman so long to get off.
Answer: Who the fuck cares!

there were three men a spanish man, a german man and and english man. They were invited to a castle by a king of spain. The reason the king invited these three men was to see if he can make his daughter scream. The king says, "the first one to make my daughter scream will marry her." So the spanish mans go's into the room doesnt make her scream. The german man goes in the room doesnt make her scream. the english guy goes in there and makes her scream. The king ask, "how did you make her scream?" The english man says,"I play trick, i play trick i put hot sauce on my dick.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his ...   Full text

A man walks into a bar and sees this very attractive woman, he buys her a couple of ddrinks and they hit it off. They go to her appartment and he is surprised that there are many teddy bears on the shelves. They have great sex and in the morning he asked her how he did. She said you can take anything from the bottom shelf!

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going. The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies," Eh, i'm having social security sex." His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks what the hell social security sex is. "Yeah well i get a little every month but its not enough to live on."

You may have heard this one before but thought it was funny and wanted to share..........

A guy is walking into his apt. room one day when he see a beautiful young woman standing outside her door in nothing but a towel. she waves him over and says," you wanna see whats under this towel?" she slowly starts to undo the towel when she stops and says " I think I hear sombody coming, we better go inside." So they go into her room and she proceeds undoing her towel. After it is completely off she asks, "What do you like the best?" The man replies, " your ears". She says "my ears? what about these tits, or my ass or my pussy? why do you like my ears?" The man ...   Full text

top reasons to date a contortionist
1. we are unbelievably flexible
2.we can perform in practically every position
3.we have perfect technique, good rythm, and great hip rotation
4.we are used to wearing very little clothing
5.we know how to use others equipment to our advantage
6.we dont mind getting all hot and sweaty
7.regular splits are for gymnists and dancers... its called over stretching!
8.we love to perform
9. practice makes perfect and when we are perfect we still want to do
better
10. we're not as delicate and fragile as we look
11. we're used to having bruises on our knees
12.we're always open to new moves & ...   Full text

Do you know the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
When your girl friend touches your hair your dick stands up, but when your wife touches your dick your hair stands up.

Where are an elephants sex organs?
In its feet......If it stands on you,your fucked.

What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don?t talk to the guy in the middle, he?s a dick.

How do you know if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.

What do you call the worst blowjob you have ever had?
Awesome.

What is the differnce between your first honeymoon and your second?
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The first Niagara......
the second viagra

So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one. I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "oh hell yeah they all say" so I'm telling them about mine. so I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area. It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where. so i'm like oh shit "holy shit what did she do" asks my friend I reply " the first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaahh"!!!! :-)

A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.
The stewardess asks the girl if her mom toll her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
???Mother, where do babies come from????
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ???Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.???
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ???That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.??? The child seems to comprehend.
???Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that????
???Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.???

what do u call a gay midget ?
A lowblow

man is walking down the street an see's a ladder going up a building with a sign that says ''climb the ladder to succes''. He starts climbing an comes to a window where an ugly woman says '' fuck me now or climb the ladder to success''.He thinks hell no an keeps climbing, coming to another window is an ok looking woman that says ''fuck me now or climb the ladder to success'', he decides to keep going an comes to another window where a beautiful woman says ''fuck me now or climb the ladder to succes,The man thinks man this keeps getting better an better I have to go on. so he climbs to the top of the building an see's a fat greasy man jerking himself off an smiling.The man asks who the ...   Full text

What do a rattlesnake and a limp dick have in common?
You don?t fuck with either one

whats white, sticky and hangs from the clouds?
the second coming

Mickey and Minnie went on a date after the date Mickey says to Minnie Can i come in minnie didn't have too much fun so she said i'm tired mickey not today. Mickey tells minnie i'll give you $50! HELL YEA she said... when inside mickey says can you take off your clothes for me? Minnie says no.. he says what if you turn off the lights and i give you $100 minnie thinks to herself well he won't see me what the hell sure. so she turns off the lights and takes off her clothes. I'm gonna tickle you so she falls on the bed trying to run and then the next thing you kknow minnie screams... MICKEY YOU FUCKIN BASTARD THATS NOT MY FUCKIN BELLY BUTTON! MINNIE YOU STUPID WHORE THATS NOT MY FINGER NOW ...   Full text

A man walks into a bar and sees an overweight, disgustingly ugly man with an amazingly beautiful woman. Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how did that guy pull that chick?"... Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but he's here with her every morning.... why don't you ask him?" So the man gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you get such a sexy woman?" The fat man replies "Well she's a prostitute." The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies... "Well she's here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you'll get your chance."... So the next day the man comes in and sees the ...   Full text

Pappu watched his father's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Santa and Preeto in a passionate embrace. Pappu found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Preeto auntie. I went back to look and he was giving her a big kiss, then he helped her take off her dress. Then she helped Daddy take his pants off, and then they........"
At this point Jeeto cut him off and said, "Pappu, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner. I want to see the look on Daddy's ...   Full text

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.

What Do You Call A Black Girl With Braces?
A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

one day a woman was swimming naked in a lake, she was about to get out when she realised someone had taken her clothes, annoyed and distraught she went to the nearest road and tried to hitch a ride after twenty minutes of standing naked beside the road a man on a push bike stopped and offered her a lift. after a few minutes of cycling the woman says to the man "havent u realised im naked?" the man replys "have u noticed im riding a girls bike?"