Good Jokes

A woman walks into a pet store to buy dog food. She gets her dog food, goes to the counter and sees a box on the counter with a sign that reads, "Pussy-eating Frogs, $5". She looks both ways, realizes that no one is watching her and asks the clerk, "Is that for real?" He says, "Yep, and they're guaranteed." She says, "Ok, box one up for me."

She takes the frog home and can't wait to try him out. She opens the box and finds a sheet of directions. The directions read, "1) take a shower 2) put on a nice teddy and some perfume 3) get in bed, open your legs and place the frog THERE." So, she follows the directions. She takes a shower, puts on a nice teddy and perfume, goes ...   Full text

A man goes into the chemist and asks for some viagra.
'Have you got a prescription,' the chemist asks him.
'No,but will a picture of my wife do?' the man says.

a gay guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey sitting on the bar table. , "whats the monkey for?" asks the gay guy.
"watch this," says the barkeep.
he whacks the monkey on the head, and then the monkey goes crazy running around the bar table. the monkey then runs up to the bartender whips down his pants and starts sucking his dick. The gay guy is amazed.
"wanna try?" asks the bartender,
the gay guy responds, "sure, but don't hit me so hard!"

A bus driver stops and picks up two older women from the bus stop.
He drives a couple of miles down the road and picks up a blind man from a bus stop.
A couple of miles later, one of the old women runs to the front of the bus and claims that the blind man is molesting her...the bus driver in disbelfief replire, "
About 5 miles later, the other woman runs to the front and claims the same thing...the bus driver says, "He's blind annd you are 80 years old..he isnt molesting you, go sit down!"
The bus driver gets to worrying about the two women, so he pulls the bus over and runs to the bus to check it out.. He finds the blind man laying in between the ailes of seats with his ...   Full text

this actor went to a director and the director ask what his name is so he says it is penis van lesbian the director says sorry i cant hire you unless you change your name so the actor says it's a family name and he won't change it. a few years later the first director gets a letter with a check the letter says that the actor he could not get work so he changed his name and then he was getting work all the time now his name is dick van dyke

whats the mating call of a blackbird?
stick it in mama's ass Leeroy!!!!

why dont guys like having sex in the morning?
Ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwhich.

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?
Thats because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

There was a grandpa and a boy fishing one day. The grandpa smokes a cig and the little boy says can i have one, the g-pa says can dick touch ur asshole, kid says no , g-pa says then no, so a little lata the g-pa pulls out some beer he takes a drink the kid says can i have some , g-pa says can ur dick touch ur asshole kid said no it cant g-pa said well then no, the kid says fine... they fish a little longer the kid pulls out a piece of bubble gum starts chewing it. the g-pa said can i have a piece. the kid said can ur dick touch ur asshole. the g-pa said well yah. kid says good for u go fukr urslef this is my gum...

A couple were fussing over their new born baby boy.
' Look at the size of his cock ,its huge, ' said the husband.
' Yes,but he does have your eyes darling,' said his wife.

A convict was released from prison after serving five years. His first stop after leaving the prison was a bar, where his main objective was getting laid. After having a few drinks, he approaches a pretty young woman. He proceeds to ask her out. She says no. Desperate, he says, "Alright this is the deal, I have been in jail for five years and I am dying to have sex." "I will pay you $100 to have sex with me". Disgusted the girl replies, "No way!" The convict then says, "OK $300 just to put the head in." The girl contemplates the situation and replies, "OK why not, I could use the money." They go in the back of the bar where she bends over and lifts her skirt. The convict thinks to ...   Full text

Q: how many players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: just two, but damned if I know how they'll fit in a lightbulb!

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can't
figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a
tube of cream.
"Here. Put this on and the ring'll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone
within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again. He goes
to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts
on. The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning. This goes on
for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream you're
giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, ...   Full text

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
' Can you do anything to help me,doc ? ' said the man.
' No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span, ' replied the doctor.

What do you call a blonde under a deer?
All you can eat for under a buck.

What did the prostitute shout to the man running past??
Your a fast fucker!!

a guy walks into a truck stop after traveling for days. he goes up and asks the guy at the counter...."hey, are there any good women in this town to screw?"...the guy said "no....but we have wong the china-man in the back if you want him.....i dont go for that shit said the guy....a few hours later he goes back up to the guy at the counter and asks again....."are you sure there isnt any women in this town?"...the guy said...no women...but we got wong the china-man in the back....the guy said no i dont go for that shit...he sits back down....about 10 minutes later he goes back up to the guy and asks..."but just in case i did go for that shit how much would it cost?"....the guy at the ...   Full text

Did you hear about the German bi-sexaul?
She went down on her Hans and neice.

This little boy lived in a bad neighborhood, and there was a whore house right next to his. His mother would make him walk to the store, but he had to pass by the whore house. Every time that he went by, the same whore would stick her head out the window and say "Hi little by," and hold up her little pinky finger. Finally the boy said, "What the hell, why do you always hold up your little finger when you say hi?"
She looked at him and said "Because that is the size of your penis."
Pissed off, the boy made a huge circle with his pointer finger and thumbs, and said "Hi nice lady."

Q: Why did god give black men big dicks?
A: Because he felt bad for putting pubic hair on their head

There were two guys hanging out one guy says "Hey man i know this
chick who can suck your dick and sing at the same time" the other guy was shocked all he could say was "Yeah ok" "No really she can i have her card right here you should give it a shot its only $5" so the guy said what the hell its only five dollars so he calls up this girl and she meets him at a local motel when they get into the motel room she tells him to drop his pants because she is going to sing the national anthem while sucking his dick he couldnt believe it but he did what she said before she started she turned the lights off he got pissed and flipped them back on he wanted to see this happen but she told him ...   Full text

a five year old boy asks his dad, "what's fucking mean?" the dad says "well i think that your old enough to know now" so he calls his wife into the room and says to the kid, "Do you see that hole on mom?" and begins to fuck her. the little boys older brother walks into the room and asks what is going on. the boy says to his brother he's teaching me what fucking is. the big brother says, "well what is it ?" the little brother says to the big brother, " You see that hole on dad?" use your imagination

A nun is sat on a bus and sat in front of her is this slaphead that is eating a bag of prawns and he keeps spitting the heads off the prawns onto the floor
so the nun keeps picking them up and throwing them out of the window in the end she gets fed up of it and
presses the Emergancy Stop button
So the slaphead turns round and says
"You can get a ?50 fine for pressing that you stupid slut "
so the nun says
"And when i cry rape and they smell your fingers you will get 10 year"

Two elderly residents were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing
home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what
you're wanting; for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that
rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your
life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple moments starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and ...   Full text

If the first pilgrims hunted a cat insted of turkey would we all be eating pussy for thankgiving??

A Son walks into the living room and sits down next to his Dad. After a few minutes Dad notices that his Son has the biggest grin on his face, curious Dad asks "Whats with the huge smile son?", his Son replied "Well Dad, last nite I had my first ever blowjob!!!". Proudly his Dad turns to him, pats him on the back, and says "Go on son, tell me all about it.", "Well Dad, I was on my knees and had this dick in my mouth...."

Somebody posted a lame version of this joke. Here is how it is suppose to go:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good ...   Full text

What is it that's in the air, that gets women pregnant?
Their feet.

What's another name for any sexually transmitted disease (STD)?
An "INFUCTION."

What do you call a prostitute who invested her earnings in opening her own bordello?
An entreprenwhore.