Claude and Maude...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they Enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an ... Full text

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices an old drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is ... Full text

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
Full text

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a ... Full text

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather ... Full text

Old Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The ... Full text

A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he ... Full text

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was ... Full text

The Promise

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart ... Full text

Knock knock
who's there ?
John
... who ?
Exactly Full text

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
JOHNY Big hands! Full text

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money. Full text

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." Full text

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any. Full text

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet. Full text

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. Full text

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." Full text

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. Full text

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me! Full text

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George! Full text

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. Full text

Turkey. Earthquake: 5,000 dead.
The United States will send Turkey 3 million dollars.
Russia will send Turkey 3 aircraft with humanitarian aid.
Germany will send Turkey 5000 Turks. Full text

The man rode in the elevator skyscraper, go bored ... The man asked the
attendant:
- Apparently, you have a very hard work?
- Yes, sir.
- And that the worst of your work, perhaps ups?
- No, Sir.
- Well, then, perhaps descents?
- No, Sir.
- What will happen then?
- Questions, Sir. Just stupid question. Full text

The child is the only thing in the house that has to do laundry by hand Full text

And beautiful women, we are left for male without fantasy Full text

- Why are you driving at the red light?
- I have red lipstick, red handbag, red boots, red dress, red car. Whow I go to the green? Full text

Announcement :
Sold hourglass, with a second jet. Full text

- What is the difference between flies and journalists?
- Flies like also jam. Full text

Two student run to the policeman :
Policeman! Policeman, the corner there ...
- What happened?
- Here ... our teacher ...
- An accident?
- No! He is parking wrong! Full text

The teacher asked:
- John - what is responsible?
- I have only one button on the pants.
- And what?
- That it is responsible. Full text