Good Jokes

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another
man in her life so she placed an ad, which read
something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE
...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her
doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of
mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her
qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened
the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying
on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do ...   Full text

a pirate walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender goes, gets hisdrink, and goes back over to give it to him
The bartender noticed something strange about him, so he looked oveer the bar to see a steeringwheel attached to the pirates zipper.
He says to the pirate," um exuse me sir, but i would like to point out that u have a steering wheel attached to your pant zipper."
the pirate quickly answers,"arr and its drivin me nuts."

Do you know what tusla spelled backwards?
a slut
Do you knwo what a slut backwards is?
$100

A man decided to go to a massage parlour for the first time.When he gets there the woman is drop dead gorgeous,great big tits,nice face and an hour glass figure.Two minutes into the massage his dick is rock hard,
He asks if he can have a wank,'sure thing,' she says and leaves the room.
Five minutes later she pops her head round the door and asks him if he's finished.

Puppy : Mom... How does my father look like ..?.
Mother Puppy : How do i know... he fucked me from behind .

25 useless things in men body :
- 20 nails that can't hammer
- 2 nipples that can't produce milk
- 2 balls that can't bounce
- 1 Bird that can't fly.

What's black and blue and doesn't like to fuck? The bitch in my trunk.

Q: Why do Canadians like to do it in doggy-style?
A: So they both can watch hockey games.

THIS GUY WAS WALKING DOWN A DIRT ROAD ONE DAY ,WHEN HE WALKED INTO SOME QUIK SAND.SO HE JUST STAYED STILL UNTILL SOMEONE WALKS BY THAT WOULD PULL HIM OUT,SO LIKE 2 HOURS GO BY AND ITS ALREADY UP TO HIS KNEES, AND A GUY WALKS BY ,AND THE MAN IN THE QUIK SAND SAYS HEY BUDDY CAN U PULL ME OUT IVE BIN STUCK IN THIS SHIT FOR 2 HOURS,AND THE MAN SAYS ILL PULL YOU OUT IF YOU SUCK MY DICK,AND THE DUDE IN THE QUIKSAND SAYS FUCK THAT I'D RATHER DIE.SO THE GUY SAYS OK YOUR LOSS AND STARTS WALKING AWAY.ANOTHER 2 HOURS GO BY AND NOW THE GUY IS UP TO HIS WAIST IN QUIKSAND.AND ANOTHER GUY WALKS BY SO HE ASK IF HE COULD PULL HIM OUT AND THE GUY SAYS YEA ILL PULL YOU OUT IF YOU SUCK MY DICK AND THE MAN ...   Full text

What do you get when you cross a mexican and an octopus?
I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.

what does popeye do when he gets his nuts stuck together ? he sticks them in olive oil.

WHY DO TITS HAVE NIPPLES?
BECAUSE WITH OUT THEM THEY WOULD BE POINTLESS.

Two black guys are walking down the street when they see a sign on a store that says "We will turn you white for 99cents". So one guy says to the other "Hey we should try that"and the other says "I cant I only have 98cents". So his friend says "I'll go in first and give you my change and then you can go". The other agrees and waits outside, about 5 minutes later his friend comes out white as a ghost strutting and high steppin so he says "Hey man let me get that change" and his friend says "FUCK YOU NIGGER GET A JOB"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does'nt Iraq have any Wal-Marts?
Because theres a Target in every corner!

Whats the hardest part about eating vegtables?
...Putting them back into the wheelchair!

A man walks into a doctor's and says "Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge." The female doctor says "Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there." The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. The bloke's head starts wobbling and he has got a big smile on his face. After five minutes of this, the doctor says, "There's no discharge here." The man replies " I know, it's in my ear."

Why is pubic hair curly?
So it doesn't poke you in the eye.

What does a gay man do when he gets horny?
Shits in his hand and jerks off.

A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service.
The man sits down and says, "I've only got 3 questions."
"OK," replies the woman.
"Do you like to clean?" he asks.
"I love cleaning," she replies.
"Great. Do you like to cook for other people?"
"I love to cook," she says.
"Awesome," says the man. "OK last question, do you like sex?"
"I like it infrequently," she replies.
The man then asks, "is that one word or two"

One day little red riding hood was going to go see her grandmother, So she got some cookies and some other things ready and right before she was going to leave her mother turned to her and said RED you best look out for that big bad wolf cus he'll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red pantys and fuck your little red socks off. Oh dear said little red riding hood, So she continues on her way. About 2 hours later she get to her grandmothers house and she is soo pleased to see little red, her grandmother invites her in and she makes some tea and they sit down and eat the cookies and drink the tea, they talked and talked and talked and then she notesed that it was like ...   Full text

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
a blow job with handle bars

whats the diffrence between a blonde and the titanic?
you know how many people went down on the titanic

how are blondes and screen doors have in common?
the more you bang them the looser they get

1.You are bald for life.
2.You have a hole in the top of your head.
3.You've got two nuts living next door.
4.You've got an asshole living behind you.
5.You get shoved into a dark hole constantly.
6.Whenever you get excited, you throw up and faint.

There once was a man from Nantucket
His dick was so long he could suck it
As he wiped his chin, he said with a grin
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it!

Why do women need sex?
They need someone to clear their track to piss straight.

Two old ladies are having a cigarette on a park bench, when it starts to rain. One old lady pulls a condon from her bag, opens it, puts it over the end of her cigarette and calmly continues smoking. The other old lady asks what she's doing.
keeps my smokes dry' replies the 1st old lady. Next day the 2nd lady goes into a pharmacy and asks the bemused shop assistant for a pack of johnnies. 'what size?' asks the assistant. 'Oh any' replies the old lady. 'As long as it fits a camel...'

3 nuns decided to help da community nd paint a room in da community centre. they bought all the paint nd were about 2 start wen one of the nuns sed, "shudnt we take our clothes off incase we get paint on them?" they all agreed nd decided 2 paint naked. nearly finished nd der was a nok on da door. they shouted , "who is it?" the reply came, "blind man!" They thought there wud b no harm in lettin a blind man in so they let im in. "woah nice tits so, where do u wantthe blinds man!"
lol

what do a rubix cube and a penis have in common?
the longer you play with them, the harder they get!!!!!

There once was a man named Kas
Who's balls were made of Brass
And during Stormy weather
His balls would clang together
And lightning would shoot out his ass