Good Jokes

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gate, he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be given the choice of who he will REPLACE forever in Hell.
Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind the door is Jeffrey Dahmer. He's being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Jeff in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me."
The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says "I don't think this is for me."
The third door opens and behind it is Ken ...   Full text

A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, ...   Full text

why don;t women fart??
they don;t keep their mouth shut long enough to build up enough pressure!!!!!1

A travelling salesman stops at a small village to spend the night. There's only one hotel run by a middle aged couple. The guy is at the front desk and his wife is in the back room doing the books.
The salesman thows a hundred dollar bill on the coutner and says, "Give me a clean room and a bottle of Whiskey."
"There you are sir," replies the hotel owner as he hands him the key, "Your room is on the second floor. I'll send your whiskey up shortly. Enjoy your stay."
"Oh and send me a good looking whore for the night." says the salesman and goes upstairs to his room.
"I heard that!" Says the hotel owner's wife coming out of the back room, "We run a respectable place here. ...   Full text

Jack went to see his doctor complaining that he can't perform sex with his wife anymore and he needs help.
D: this is your lucky day I just received a new medication in the form of an injection guaranteed to get it up. There is only one small problem, it lasts for only on hour and it is expensive so you better call your wife and check that she's home.
Jack: she has to be home where else will she be.
Jack could not find his wife, so he went back to the doctor to ask for another injection

D: Tell me Jack, don't you have a mistress, maid , neighbour, secretary etc.....
Jack: but doctor, I don't need an injection for the ones you mentioned ...

You know those types of girls that are butt-ugly but the only thing that they have going for them are a set of big tits? there it is.
God was feeling a bit worn out, after all creating the entire universe and earth is a big task so he decided he would turn over the task of creating a NEW batch of humans to an apprentice. The apprentice wasn't that bright so God left simple instructions, just make them look like Adam and Eve. So the apprentice went off to work and started creating sculptures to be made real. God came back later and got ticked. What the deuce is this?! I told you to make humans! these are hairer than that monkey you made for me last week! the only thing he's good for ...   Full text

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"
"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a dickhead?"

What's the definition of agony?
Sliding down a 20 foot razor blade, using your balls as brakes.

Tickety Tickety tock a girl was suckin my cock. When the clock struck 2 I dropped my gue and dropped her off on the next block.

A woman walks into the doctor's office for a mammogram.
The Doctor says: "Take off your shirt and sit on the table."
The woman takes off her shirt and the Doctor notices an H is imprinted into her chest. When he asks her about it the woman says: "My husband went to Harvard, and when we have sex he likes to wear his jacket. After so many years of marriage, it just kinda stayed." "Oh," says the doctor, "I understand."
The next woman comes in and takes off her shirt and she has a Y in the same spot. The doctor says: "Let me guess, your husband went to Yale?" "Yes," the woman says, "how did you know?" "I'm a doctor," he says, "I'm supposed to know these things."
The ...   Full text

Tell your girlfriend to bend over and touch her toes.
then tell her to spell run 3 times. hope you like it.

God created man with a brain and a penis..but the problem is he only gave us enough blood to run one at a time.

who was the first carpenter?
Eve. she made adams banana stand.

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?? ....He was lookin for a tight seal!

Can you believe after all that shit who finally got back together? Who? My ass cheeks.

What is tulsa spelled backwords?
what is aslut turned backwords?
haha 100 dollars

If you helped Jack on the horse, would you help Jack off the horse?

you are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine travellin at the same speedas you. in front of you is a gallopig pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doin the same speed as you. how do you get out of this dangerous situation?..... ANSWER...........get the fuck off the kids merry go round you piss-head

We've had some fun times 2gether. Remember when we were drivin and i stuck my ass out of the window and you stuck your head out and people thought we were twins?

One day a priest and a nun where traveling thro the desert on a camel and suddenly the camel falls over dead, and after hours of contemplating they realize that there is no hope for survival, so the priest says to the nun "since were gonna die anyway can i ask for one favor," the nun replies "sure" and he says "i have never felt a womans breasts may i please touch yours?" the nun agrees and after about five minutes of foundling the nun says to the preist "now can i ask you favor, i have never felt a mans penis before may i touch yours?" the preist replies "sure" and after about 5 minutes of foundling the priest says to the nun " ya know if i stick this in something i can create life" and ...   Full text

so a straight man... who deperately needs a drinking... runs into the nearest bar he can find... sadly he did not realize that it was a gay bar... he went up to the bartendor and asked him for a drink ... the bartendor replied not until you tell me the name of your dick... "THE NAME OF MY DICK!!!"... the guy exclaimed... he turned to the guy sitting next to him and ask
...whats the name of your dick?
the guy replied
timex
he asked... why timex?
and he replied
cuz it takes a lickin a keeps on ticken
the guy look mordified at the sound of that... and very hesitintaly asked the guy sitting on the other side of him
what is the name of you dick?
the guy ...   Full text

Does anyone raise chickens?....Cause I need someone to raise my cock

What is the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress? In the Library of Congress, you can't lick the pages.

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass!
I'll spend the day so drunk i can't speak,
And wear all black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to ger laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because i think love is a crock of shit!
So there's the story....what else can i say?
Love bites my ass....So F--k Valentines Day!!!

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common?
You know it's wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.

what's worse than a cardboard box? paper tits

Why dont you add me, minus your friends, divide your legs and multiply.

Three nuns die and go to heaven each nun has to answer a 1 question before she can get through the pearly gates, so the first nun steps up and is asked who was the first man on earth? she says, Adam, lights come on bells go off she walks through the pearly gates. The second nun steps up and is asked who was the first woman on earth? she says, Eve, lights come on bells go off she walks through the pearly gates. Finally, the third nun steps up and St. Peter says ok, now the first two questions were way to easy so this is gonna be tough, so he asks the third nun, what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam, the nun stands there scratching her head and says hmm, thats a hard one? Lights ...   Full text

there is a husbin and wife ,the live on a farm....and they are laying in bed....the husbin rolls over and grabs the wife by the tits and says if you could get milk out of these we could get rid of the cows..then he grabs her by the pussy and says if you could get eggs out of this we could get rid of the chickens ...then the wife grabs him by the cock and says if you could get this up ...i could get rid of your brother....