Good Jokes

How many demcrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
it's irrelevant , they're still in the dark.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but Fox news has to tell them how first

3 Japanesse move into a house and had no money to afford a lot of things. A furniture man says I'll supply all the furniture you need. Then the food guy say if you throw in 2 refridgerator I'll supply 10 years of food deal. A hooker stand up and says I'll give them free sex. Why would you give free sex? I was poken at my husband and he said screw the bastards.

If Monica gets cervical cancer from that cigar? Can she sue Bill?
Or maybe it was indivigually wrapped for safety. But most important was it importated or domestic .? Because we want to know if he kept it in the hood?

I don't like political jokes... I've seen way to many of them be elected...

Three Doctors walk into a bar together and discuss surgeries they
had performed. The first one said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.
A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
England."
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago
a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into
a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to ...   Full text

The US government is just like the Wizard of Oz.
Dick Cheney is looking for a heart.
The Senate is looking for courage.
And George Bush is looking for brains.

Political jokes / So you have found your place in life, at the head of the table. / So you have found your place in life, next to your dog. What! are you a blind man or something? / So you have found your place in life, as Drew Barrymore's pillow. / So you have found your place in life, now that you held up the Wimbledon trophy. / So you have found your place in life, when are you going to stop going to the graveyard. / So you have found your place in life, you say people should not call you fat. / In your next lifetime you will look at a tree, when you are lost in the forest. / In your next lifetime you will finally date my girlfriend. / In your next lifetime, you will find your lost ...   Full text

Whats Cheneys first name? Dick
Well, When you have a Dick and a Bush, your screwd.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Washington, D.C.

MY DEAREST PRESIDENT HUSSEIN, 18 FEB 98

I HOPE THIS LETTER REACHES YOU IN THE BEST OF HEALTH. THINK OF YOU OFTEN, SO
I DECIDED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER TO LET YOU KNOW I AM DOING WELL AND SO IS HILLARY. I UNDERSTAND WE DON'T EXACTLY SEE EYE TO EYE ON THIS U.N. INSPECTOR
THING, BUT I'M SURE AFTER I EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS ON THE MATTER YOU WILL
UNDOUBTEDLY SEE MY POINT.

I GUESS I SHOULD JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE MEAT OF THE MATTER AND SAY. . . .
IF I WANT ANY OF YOUR LIP, I'LL JUST UNZIP MY PANTS!!!! LET THE U.N.
INSPECTORS DO THEIR JOB YOU RAG-HEAD SON-OF-A-CAMEL-HUMPIN-BITCH ...   Full text

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.