Good Jokes

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were out sailing and got shipwrecked on an island 100 miles from shore. The brunette circles the island and finds a bridge. She walks to shore. The red head flags down a boat and hitches a ride. The blonde didn't know what to do so she swam. 50 miles out she got too tired and said ''I'm to tired to finish.'' she turned around and swam 50 miles back.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to ...   Full text

A blonde was suspecting her husband was cheating on her. So one day, she decided to go home early. She opens the door and sees her husband all over another girl. The blonde pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. The husband says, "No! Don't do that! I'm sorry!" The blonde replys, "Shut up. You're next."

This blond was driving on the highway and there was a trucker in front of her. She had to get into the lane that the trucker was in and she cut him off. The trucker decided she had been on the highway to long and told her to pull off to the side. The blond did this and waited until the trucker got out of his truck. He got out of his truck carrying his pocket knife. He told her to get out of her car and she did this. He ran back to his truck and grabbed a piece of chalk. Then he drew a circle and told her to stay in it. He got into her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around and looked at the blond she was laughing. He was furious, so he turned took his knife and cut out ...   Full text

How do you kill a blonde?
You put a scrach and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
10 - 1 to make the dough and 9 to peel the M&M's.
How many blondes does it take to fix in a lightbulb?
10 - 1 to hold the bulb and 9 to rotate the ceiling!

One day a blonde is driving home when she rear-ends a man in his truck. The man stops and yells at her to get out of her car, so she steps out and tries to apologize. He then draws a circle in the sand and tells her to stand inside and not to step out. He goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, walks over to her car, and smashes in the window.
She begins to giggle, so he looks back at her angrily and tells her to be quiet. Then he starts beating in the hood of her car.
She giggles again, and he turns to her and says, "You're askin' for it, lady!" Then he smashes in her windshield.
By this time the woman is laughing hysterically, so he looks at her and yells, "What's so ...   Full text

A blonde walks into a library and shouts, "CAN I HAVE A CHEESE BURGER AND CHIPS?!?"
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
"Sorry," the blonde whispers in a barely audible voice, "can I have a cheese burger and chips?"

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, ...   Full text

There were 3 girls, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. There was this magic mirror, and if you said a lie in front of it, you would disappear.
The redhead went up to it and said "I am the prettiest girl in the world" Poof, she disappeared.
The brunette went up to the mirror and said "I think I am the prettiest girl in the world" Poof, she disappeared.
The blonde went up to the mirror and said "I Think..." Poof she disappeared.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M company?
Because she threw away all the Ws.

Q. Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A. Because it kept falling out

A blonde woman is speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and is pulled over by a female police officer who is also a blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She digs through her purse and gets progressively more agitated.
"What does the license look like?" she finally asks
The policewoman replies, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The blonde driver finally finds a square mirror, looks at it
and hands it to the blonde policewoman. "Here it is," she says.
The blonde officer looks at the mirror, then hands it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. Sorry, I didn't realize you were a cop."

A man and a blonde were having sex. The guy asks the blonde, "Was I the first guy to ever have sex with you?"
The blonde replies, "I don't know. Your face looks familiar."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

... 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention".

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global ...   Full text

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q: How do you kill the blonde's sister?
A: Tell her to go down to the bottom of the pool and do CPR.

A young man just got a new job as a ventriloquist. He was to do a comedy act at a local bar. With a dummy sitting on his lap the young man started his act. He started telling the audience dumb blonde jokes.
In the middle of a sentence a blonde stood up and hollered, "It's people like YOU who discriminate against people like me! Does the colour of one's hair prove anything? Does it correlate with my IQ? What makes you think that you can stereotype women like that anyways? You are keeping me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but ...   Full text