"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles." Full text

Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!" Full text

Q: What do you give nin-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! Full text

Q: Why did the wife not put birthday candles on her husband's birthday cake?
A: It was not that she did not want to make him feel old, she wanted to save the environment. Full text

Q: Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill coubord quietly?
A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!!!! Full text

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!! Full text

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Full text

When the doctor came to visit my aunt Claudette my aunt said: 'Doctor, I hope you're going to tell me that I'm very ill.'
The doctor looked at my aunt said: 'But why? Don't you want me to say you're very healthy?'
'No,' replied aunt Claudette. 'I feel absolutely terrible. And I don't want to feel like this if I'm healthy. But I'm sure you can make me better.' Full text

Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.'
Doctor: 'Would you like an apple or a banana?' Full text

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
'Why do you feel that?' he asked.
'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tyre marks on my legs.' Full text

'Doctor, doctor! I feel like a piano.'
'Then I'd better take some notes.' Full text

When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: 'Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?'
'I don't know,' replieed the young man, 'I don't think I'd dare hold a match to it.' Full text

'Doctor, doctor! Can you help me? My tongue keeps sticking out.'
'That's good. Now, if you can just lick these stamps...' Full text

While I was in teh doctor's waiting room there was this tiny man only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient. Full text

The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head.
The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable. I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.'
'Cut it off?' snapped the woman. 'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.' Full text

When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell, he said: 'I'm not surprised. You were made upside down.' Full text

Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.'
Doctor: 'Why?'
Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.' Full text

What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?
'Necks please!' Full text

Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.
'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.'
'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your ... Full text

Since I had treatment by a private doctor I've lost five kilos in weight. The doctor's bill was so enormous I've been unable to afford to buy any food to eat. Full text

'Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.'
'Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops.' Full text

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that. Full text

Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a whole sheep.'
Doctor: 'How do you feel?'
Patient: 'Quite baa-d.' Full text

Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
'Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'
'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.' Full text

When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she told me to get the end of the cue. Full text

When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave me a razor blade. Full text

Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.'
Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?'
Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.' Full text

Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any. Full text

'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?'
'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.' Full text

Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery.
'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist.
'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?'
'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.' Full text