Good Jokes

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it ...   Full text

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, ...   Full text

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do ...   Full text

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?"

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."

"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
Full text

your mama is like a phone even children play with her

Scientists are now carrying out most of their experiments on lawyers instead of rats. There are 3 main reasons for this:

1. There are considerably more lawyers in the world than there are rats.

2. The scientists don't get so attached to the lawyers.

3. There are some things that even the rats won't do.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint ...   Full text

have you heard they are now using lawyers insted of animals for experimentation...they found out there are some things even a rat wouldn't do

One day a guy found a genie lamp and rubbed and POOF! the genie popped out. The genie said that he would give the guy three wishes but that he was a lawyers genie and whatever he got every lawyer got double. First he wished for 10 million dollars POOF he has ten million dollars but every lawyer in the world gets 20 million. Second he wishes fow world peace POOf he has it. Every lawyer in the world gets Utopia. Third and last he wished to donate a kidney. Every lawyer in the world donated both of there kidneys.

In reality,Heaven and Hell are right next to each other,separated by a bigass chain link fence.Well,one day some jackass broke a hole in the fence,and God and Satan sat down to talk about it.God said"You better repair that fence,or we'll sue you!".Well,the devil,he says"Oh yeah?Where the hell are you gonna find a lawyer??"

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue ...   Full text

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client?s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

There's two male lawyers on an island..they've been stranded for 2 years. One day, a beautiful woman washes up, and before the go out to meet her, one lawyer turns to the other and says "We havent..you know...in a while..should we screw her?"
The other Lawyer looked puzzled and said "Out of what?"

Q: Why don't lawyers fall in love on Valentine's Day?
A: "Oh, come on. Even Cupid can't hit a target that small!"

Q: Whats the difference between a run over dog and a run over lawyer?

A: skid marks before the dog

What do Lawyers and Whores have in common?
If you pay them, they will screw you.

A guy finds a lamp. And out of the lamp comes a geni. the geni says that he can have 3 wishes but that for every wish a every lwayer in the world will get twice that. So for his first wish he says well I really want a million dollars. The geni says are you sure that means every lawyer in the world is going to get to get 2 million dollars. Ya i think i can live with that, so the guy got a million dollars and every lawyer got two million dollars. So for my second wish i think i want a really hot girlfriend. The geni says ok but remember every lawyer in the world is going to get two really hot girlfriend. Ok i can live with that says the guy. So the guy got a really ot girlfriend and every ...   Full text

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off the cliff. There were no survivors.
Bad News: There was an empty row of seats on the bus!!

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick

There was a lawyer and a blonde sitting next to eachother on a plain. The lawyer bored, and the blonde tired.
The lawyer finaly asked the blonde if she would like to play a game after 5 minutes of silence.
The blonde said she didnt want too.
The lawyer ignoring her answer said "okay I ask you a question and if you get it wrong or dont know the answer you give me five dollars. Then you ask me a question and if I dont know it or get it wrong I give you five dollars."
The blonde, annoyed said "i dont want to play im tired."
The lawyer bored out of is mind couldnt take the answer so he said "okay how about if i get it wrong or dont know it i give you 20 ...   Full text

A lawyer is someone who:

*Rights a fifty page report and calls it a brief

*Knows that laws are the guidelines of society, and help criminals read between them

*makes a deal with the devil that he gets whatever he wants in life, in exchange for his soul to burn in hell and then asks "What's the catch?"

*lives in poverty because he's to stingy to use up his $95 million.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, ...   Full text

Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they ...   Full text

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.

He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell."

The worker agreed - not like he could do anything else - and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?" ...   Full text