Adult jokes

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead ...   Full text

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the ...   Full text

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it ...   Full text

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, ...   Full text

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do ...   Full text

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?"

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."

"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
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Whats the differences between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!!!!

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?

LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.

LOVE......................when you share everything ...   Full text

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?" "Tarzan ...   Full text

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

U knOw Ur pOOr whEn U hAvE tO UsE A plAstIc bAg As A cOndOm!!!

Two turd - burgler butt buddies, are getting ready for bedtime & going thru their rituals. The one, sees the other smearing vaseline aggressively onto his bare chest & says "What the hell you doing that for?" He replies.
"Silly, I was talking to one of the 'girls' & he told me that if I wanted a hairy chest that I should rub vaseline on it, - so there! " The other responds.
" You dipshit !! You know if THAT were true, you'd have a pony - tail hangin' outta yer ASSHOLE by now !! "

How do you tell if a chick's to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

the big bad wolf said to little red riding hood "unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits" fuck off she replied as she tugged down her pantie's "eat me like the fuckin book says"

you know your a yankee that wants to be a red neck when when you go to bead and then when you wake up you found out you slept with your grandma
and she said ,"last night was grat."

i time a dick a apple and a apple says 'got it worst they peel me and eat me'. the bannana says 'no i got i worst the pell me eat ,e and put me on the ground so people can slip on me'. the dick says 'no i got it worst they put a bag over my face and put me in a cave then they coke my contustly untill i throw up'.

Once there was a 85 year old man who was suckin on a 80 year old womans tits. The next day the man was dead so she asked the Doctor how he had died, and the Doctor said that he had died cos he had Expired Milk

Why Michael Jackson go out with thirty nine year olds?
Because there were thirty of them!

A torist goes on vacation to shara and gets straded so he makes friends
with a group of 2 monts later the guy is horny so he asked a guy where
can he fuck a girl so the guy tells him use the camel they had the gu says
fuck no so he asked someone else they said the same thing so he waits
2 mouths so he starts to fuck the camel all the guys are like what the fuck
are you doing your suppose to take the camel in to town.

what did the pilgrim say to the pilgrim?
what.
you have no face. just a live fish.

An old farmer is dying and is on his deathbed, puts an ad in the paper stating, "Old Farmer Dying, can have farm, land and money, if you marry my daughter"
Young city guy sees the ad, "Most farm girls are hot! Why not!"
Goes talks with farmer agrees to marry the farmer's daughter. Shes called into the room, the first time the city boy sees her. And too his shock she's not HOT in fact she's butt fucking ugly, fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch including the exposed roots! Plus she's dumb as a post!
However, he goes, "You know what it's a lot of money and land, screw it I'll throw a bag on her head when I fuck her.
A few months pass, the farmer is now dead. The ...   Full text

Question:what would u do of the condoms if u had sex 365 daysof a year?
answer:make it a tyre and call it goodyear.

why do blondes have vaginas
so a guy will talk to them

A model was snogging her boyfriend when suddenly a bee flew into her vagina the actress started screaming so the boyfriend called her doctor over. The doctor came 5 minutes later he told the actress to get into her four poster bed and told her boyfriend to go and get some honey so the boyfriend gave the doctor some honey. The boyfriend waited outside. After about 10 minutes the boyfriend looked in the to see the curtains closed and the models clothes on the floor. The man rushed in to see the doctor sticking his penis with honey on in the ladies vagina moving it around. The doctor explained to the man how he was to trying to attract the bee out. The man closed the curtain and then heard ...   Full text

There are 3 friends walking on a beach.
They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini.
2 of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday.
They see the same girl again, now she is topless.
2 friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday.
They see the same girl again, now is completely naked!
2 friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The 2 friends catch up to the last guy and ask him,"Why are you running
away from such a beautiful sight?"
He says,"My mother told me when I was a little boy that if ...   Full text