Whats good about fingering a gypsy when she has her periods?
You get your palm read for nothing!

There was a mother and daughter walking down the street one day, and they saw two dogs doing it. The daughter was like, "Mommy, what is them two dogs doing?" "They are making donuts baby lets go." So that night the mother and father did it on the couch. When they were finished they went upstairs and the daughter came down and saw something on the couch. So the next morning while the mother was making breakfast the daughter was like, "Mommy I know what you and daddy was doing last night, yall was making donuts, cuz I tasted the frosting on the couch."

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

this poop face walked into a bar and said i hate myself. Then the bartender asked whys that? the man replied...i have an extremely small penis. then the bartender says well my penis is so big i could cut it in half and we could split it and have large penises. then the man says k bye!!!!!!!!!!!!
if it is not funny the first time try saying it in different accents

A student said "dam, it smells like tuna fish", another student replied with "Stephanie close your legs"

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake ...   Full text

One day a young teenager was in his room jacking off when his father came into the room and caught him. He said "son I dont want to ever catch you doing that again, that will cause babies.
The next day the teenager was so bothered that he could not stand it, so he went behind the house to relieve himself, as he did, he shot his load on the ground and covered it with a rock. The next day he thought to himself that no one caught him so he will go do it again. When he got there he seen the rock and looked up under it and saw a lizard. He picked up the lizard looked at it carefully and said " your an ugly little thing but daddy still loves you."

why are queers happy that they have nutsacks? because they use them as mudflaps

what is 12 inches long and white?
nothing

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.

You know your womans too fat when...
(1)She insists the bed to be on the floor (no pegs)
(2)You can only come up with 1 sex position.
(3)If you gatta sleep on the floor.
(4)When she gets on her knees,she falls over.
(5)When she lays on her back...And she's even taller.
You know your womans too ugly when...
(1)You gatta watch porn before you have sex.
(2)She's gatta stand at the dinner table.
(3)Your names Nancy trying to pick up dick on a sex joke site (just hadda be added)
(4)You gatta drink at a bar and look at her picture till she looks good before you go home.
(5)If "she's" gatta beg you for sex.
You know your womans too nasty ...   Full text

Zeek walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's fucking?" His father asks, "Boy, how old are you?" Zeek says, " I am 9." His father says, " Well, I guess your about that age, but it's easier to show you than explain it to you. So, stop by our room later on and mom and I will show you." Later that evening, Zeek knocks on the door. Dad says, "Honey, today Zeek asked me what fucking was so we are going to show him." Dad puts his arm around Zeek and says, "Now Zeek, do you see that hole between your mom's legs?" Zeeks replies, "Yes Sir." Dad says, "Watch ole dad." A few minutes later Zeek's little brother walks in and asks, "Zeek, what are they doing?" Zeeks replies, "Boy, How old ...   Full text

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said ...   Full text

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along.

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you ...   Full text

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."

once a man and his wife went in london underground .they went through a tunnel and on sound came aahh!!!.the man shouted who pressed my wife's boobs press again i want to take fingerprints.

This boy was at his girlfriend's house celebrating her birthday. Afterwards, the boy was taking a shower when the girl came up and asked, " Can I get in the shower with you?" The boy replied, "NO!" Then the girl said, "Pleeease. It's my birthday." "Well, ok. But don't look down," said the boy. The girl got in and looked down. She said," What's THAT?" " That is Mr. Pisser," replied the boy. So, the boy went to bed and the girl came up and asked," Can I play with Mr. Pisser?" "NOO!!!"exclaimed the boy. The girl said," Pleeease. It's my birthday." The boy then said," Well, ok." He woke up the next day and he was in the hospital. He exclaimed,"WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN THE HOSPITAL?!" The ...   Full text

There are these two women, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year. One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one i called 7up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second one i called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third i called Jack Daniels." Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?" The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"

Theres a guy and 2 girls trapt in a Volcano, the girls have the ability to fly. So one of the girls flys to the top of the valcano and hits her and and falls down. she goes to the guy and askes "how do we get out of here?" He replys "suck my dick and ill tell you" so she sucks his dick and then he hits her on the head and she falls in the lava and dies. the other girl flies to the top of the volcano, hits her head and falls. So she goes to the guy and asks " how do we get out of here?" the guy replys suck my dick and ill tell you." so she sucks his dick and he hits her on the head and she falls in the lava and dies. How did the Guy get out?. . . . . . .
suck my dick and ill tell you.

one day sexy girls went to god and asked him"why did you make the boys penis so ugly".the god said because it is ugly you fuck it if it was beautiful you would go wild and eat it.

Mother F**ker
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?
Amber:yes.
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he ...   Full text

Yo mama's so fat she uses a space shuttle as a vibrator.

Bob's wife just got into a coma. Sitting beside her bed he decided to grab her breast. Suddenly after doing that his wifes heart rate shot up, and she open her eyes, but closed them and lost consciencness again. About ten minutes later Bob walks out of the Room all sad, the doctor ask whats wrong and Bob replies "She choked to Death"

Three female friends are sitting around one day talking about thier boyfriends. They all discover that thier names are all Leroy. They decide to name them all after soda pops so they'll know who thier talking about. The first girl decides to name hers 7-up. Because he's 7 inches and is always up. Second girl says I'm going to call mine Mountain Dew. Because every time I mount him he can always do me. Third girl says I'm going to call mine Jack Daniels. Other girls say thats not a soda pop, thats a hard liquor. She says thats my Leroy.

What does Cinderella do every time she gets to the ball?
She chokes.

Q. what do crabs use the tampon cords for
A. bungee jumping

Pee
wee
don't
wanna
maybe
tomorrow.
A new kid named pee wee moves to a new school. A girl ask "will you walk me home?" Pee wee don't wanna maybe tomorrow. Please? Ok. "after every question he say pee wee don't waqnna maybe tomorrow and then please."" Will you come to my room? pee wee don't wanna maybe tomorrow. please? ok. Will you have sex with me? ""pwdwmt. Please? OK. 20 minutes later dad walks in and says Get off my daughter you little bastard!!! PWDWMT

Their is a new priest in the parish.
he has to do the confessions and the head priest gives him a list of wat prayers to give for various sins.
(in the confession box)
girl:Father i have been spreading my legs all around town.
priest:(looks down at list) that will be 3 hail marys
Girl2:Father i gave a boy a handjob!
Priest:(looks down at list again) that will be 2 our fathers and a hail mary
Girl3;Father i gave a boy a blowjob.
Priest looks down at list and it dosent say how many prayers to give for blowjob he goes out to the alter boys.
Priest: how much does Father Farrell give for a blowjob
Alterboy: A Packet of smarties and ?2............