A woman walks into a bar, and guy says, "Can I buy you a drink."
"Sure," said the woman. After a few moments of conversing she finally asked, "So what’s your occupation?" He says "I’m a
Carpenter." ...."To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman. The man states: "Well, I actually work exstensively with Wood."
"1st, I get you Hammered."
"next, I Nail You"
"then, I Screw all your friends."

Whats the difference between spittig and swallowing?
About forty pounds of pressure on the back of the neck.

sex is like a misdameanor, the more i miss it, da meaner i get

A nun walks into a doctor's office and asks to see the doctor. The doctor finally enters the examining room and asks her what's wrong. She says,"Doc, I've got some bad ithcing... down there." "Let me take a look the doctor says." He goes down, stands up, and leaves the room. Ten minutes later he comes back into the room. "Sister, I've got some bad news... You've got crabs." Outraged, the nun says, "That's impossible! I'm 85 years old! I've never seen a naked man in my life!" "Well, maybe you should get a second opinion." The doctor suggests. So the next day the nun goes to another doctors office. The same thing happened. He went down to take a look, stood up and left the room. Ten ...   Full text

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably if you took two."
A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the ...   Full text

HICKERY DICKERY DOC THIS BITCH WAS SUCKIN MY COCK THE CLOCK STRUCK TWO I DUMPED MY GOO AND DUMPED HER AT THE END OF THE BLOCK. Jack and jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, jack got high unzipped his fly and then they had a little fun, jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a son. Jack be nimble jack be quick jack jump over the candlestick, if jacks so nimble and jacks so quick why is he in the hospital with a lil burnt dick.

What's the defenition of a bastard?
A man who fucks his wife all night with his three inch dick and kisses her goodbye in the morning with his ten inch tongue.

A guy sticks his location,
In a girl’s destinstion,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.

How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her!
hahaha now that is some funny shit !!

Q-Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips? A-So they can piss & moan at ths same time!

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-colored mohawk sits down. The old man just stares at the boys hair, finally the boy says "what haven't you ever done anything wild or crazy"? The old man replied "yes, years ago i screwed a peacock and was just wondering if your my son"?

Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it

TO girls:
I'm good at math:add a bed,subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!
I aint no Fred Flintstone, but i'll make your bed rock!
Suck my dick, theres a future in it.
(Go up to a girl and check the tag at the back of the shirt, when she asks what you are doing say) Yep, made in heaven!
Beavis and Butthead form of pick ups:
Hey Baby, come over here, huh, huh, huh I said come.
Anytime pick up:
(Wave a girl down using the finger motion come here, when she comes, say) I made you come with 1 finger, imagine what I can do with 2!!

What is oral sex?
A taste of things to come.

Why did Cavemen drag their women by the hair on their head?
Answer: If you drag then by their feet, they fill up with mud.

A pissed off wife finally says to her husband whose been bothering her for sex "thats it! I demand some manners in bed just like at the dinning table." Then her husband slowly creeps into the bed and says "Honey......Please pass me the virgina!"

A penis says to his balls ' come on lads we're going to a party. ' The balls reply ' You fukin liar, you go inside and leave us outside knocking! '

Question? Why does it take a woman so long to get off.
Answer: Who the fuck cares!

there were three men a spanish man, a german man and and english man. They were invited to a castle by a king of spain. The reason the king invited these three men was to see if he can make his daughter scream. The king says, "the first one to make my daughter scream will marry her." So the spanish mans go's into the room doesnt make her scream. The german man goes in the room doesnt make her scream. the english guy goes in there and makes her scream. The king ask, "how did you make her scream?" The english man says,"I play trick, i play trick i put hot sauce on my dick.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his ...   Full text

A man walks into a bar and sees this very attractive woman, he buys her a couple of ddrinks and they hit it off. They go to her appartment and he is surprised that there are many teddy bears on the shelves. They have great sex and in the morning he asked her how he did. She said you can take anything from the bottom shelf!

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going. The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies," Eh, i'm having social security sex." His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks what the hell social security sex is. "Yeah well i get a little every month but its not enough to live on."

You may have heard this one before but thought it was funny and wanted to share..........

A guy is walking into his apt. room one day when he see a beautiful young woman standing outside her door in nothing but a towel. she waves him over and says," you wanna see whats under this towel?" she slowly starts to undo the towel when she stops and says " I think I hear sombody coming, we better go inside." So they go into her room and she proceeds undoing her towel. After it is completely off she asks, "What do you like the best?" The man replies, " your ears". She says "my ears? what about these tits, or my ass or my pussy? why do you like my ears?" The man ...   Full text

top reasons to date a contortionist
1. we are unbelievably flexible
2.we can perform in practically every position
3.we have perfect technique, good rythm, and great hip rotation
4.we are used to wearing very little clothing
5.we know how to use others equipment to our advantage
6.we dont mind getting all hot and sweaty
7.regular splits are for gymnists and dancers... its called over stretching!
8.we love to perform
9. practice makes perfect and when we are perfect we still want to do
better
10. we're not as delicate and fragile as we look
11. we're used to having bruises on our knees
12.we're always open to new moves & ...   Full text

Do you know the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
When your girl friend touches your hair your dick stands up, but when your wife touches your dick your hair stands up.

Where are an elephants sex organs?
In its feet......If it stands on you,your fucked.

What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don?t talk to the guy in the middle, he?s a dick.

How do you know if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.

What do you call the worst blowjob you have ever had?
Awesome.