What is the differnce between your first honeymoon and your second?
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The first Niagara......
the second viagra

So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one. I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "oh hell yeah they all say" so I'm telling them about mine. so I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area. It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where. so i'm like oh shit "holy shit what did she do" asks my friend I reply " the first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaahh"!!!! :-)

A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.
The stewardess asks the girl if her mom toll her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
???Mother, where do babies come from????
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ???Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.???
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ???That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.??? The child seems to comprehend.
???Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that????
???Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.???

what do u call a gay midget ?
A lowblow

man is walking down the street an see's a ladder going up a building with a sign that says ''climb the ladder to succes''. He starts climbing an comes to a window where an ugly woman says '' fuck me now or climb the ladder to success''.He thinks hell no an keeps climbing, coming to another window is an ok looking woman that says ''fuck me now or climb the ladder to success'', he decides to keep going an comes to another window where a beautiful woman says ''fuck me now or climb the ladder to succes,The man thinks man this keeps getting better an better I have to go on. so he climbs to the top of the building an see's a fat greasy man jerking himself off an smiling.The man asks who the ...   Full text

What do a rattlesnake and a limp dick have in common?
You don?t fuck with either one

whats white, sticky and hangs from the clouds?
the second coming

Mickey and Minnie went on a date after the date Mickey says to Minnie Can i come in minnie didn't have too much fun so she said i'm tired mickey not today. Mickey tells minnie i'll give you $50! HELL YEA she said... when inside mickey says can you take off your clothes for me? Minnie says no.. he says what if you turn off the lights and i give you $100 minnie thinks to herself well he won't see me what the hell sure. so she turns off the lights and takes off her clothes. I'm gonna tickle you so she falls on the bed trying to run and then the next thing you kknow minnie screams... MICKEY YOU FUCKIN BASTARD THATS NOT MY FUCKIN BELLY BUTTON! MINNIE YOU STUPID WHORE THATS NOT MY FINGER NOW ...   Full text

A man walks into a bar and sees an overweight, disgustingly ugly man with an amazingly beautiful woman. Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how did that guy pull that chick?"... Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but he's here with her every morning.... why don't you ask him?" So the man gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you get such a sexy woman?" The fat man replies "Well she's a prostitute." The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies... "Well she's here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you'll get your chance."... So the next day the man comes in and sees the ...   Full text

Pappu watched his father's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Santa and Preeto in a passionate embrace. Pappu found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Preeto auntie. I went back to look and he was giving her a big kiss, then he helped her take off her dress. Then she helped Daddy take his pants off, and then they........"
At this point Jeeto cut him off and said, "Pappu, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner. I want to see the look on Daddy's ...   Full text

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.

What Do You Call A Black Girl With Braces?
A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

one day a woman was swimming naked in a lake, she was about to get out when she realised someone had taken her clothes, annoyed and distraught she went to the nearest road and tried to hitch a ride after twenty minutes of standing naked beside the road a man on a push bike stopped and offered her a lift. after a few minutes of cycling the woman says to the man "havent u realised im naked?" the man replys "have u noticed im riding a girls bike?"

A woman walks into a pet store to buy dog food. She gets her dog food, goes to the counter and sees a box on the counter with a sign that reads, "Pussy-eating Frogs, $5". She looks both ways, realizes that no one is watching her and asks the clerk, "Is that for real?" He says, "Yep, and they're guaranteed." She says, "Ok, box one up for me."

She takes the frog home and can't wait to try him out. She opens the box and finds a sheet of directions. The directions read, "1) take a shower 2) put on a nice teddy and some perfume 3) get in bed, open your legs and place the frog THERE." So, she follows the directions. She takes a shower, puts on a nice teddy and perfume, goes ...   Full text

A man goes into the chemist and asks for some viagra.
'Have you got a prescription,' the chemist asks him.
'No,but will a picture of my wife do?' the man says.

a gay guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey sitting on the bar table. , "whats the monkey for?" asks the gay guy.
"watch this," says the barkeep.
he whacks the monkey on the head, and then the monkey goes crazy running around the bar table. the monkey then runs up to the bartender whips down his pants and starts sucking his dick. The gay guy is amazed.
"wanna try?" asks the bartender,
the gay guy responds, "sure, but don't hit me so hard!"

A bus driver stops and picks up two older women from the bus stop.
He drives a couple of miles down the road and picks up a blind man from a bus stop.
A couple of miles later, one of the old women runs to the front of the bus and claims that the blind man is molesting her...the bus driver in disbelfief replire, "
About 5 miles later, the other woman runs to the front and claims the same thing...the bus driver says, "He's blind annd you are 80 years old..he isnt molesting you, go sit down!"
The bus driver gets to worrying about the two women, so he pulls the bus over and runs to the bus to check it out.. He finds the blind man laying in between the ailes of seats with his ...   Full text

this actor went to a director and the director ask what his name is so he says it is penis van lesbian the director says sorry i cant hire you unless you change your name so the actor says it's a family name and he won't change it. a few years later the first director gets a letter with a check the letter says that the actor he could not get work so he changed his name and then he was getting work all the time now his name is dick van dyke

whats the mating call of a blackbird?
stick it in mama's ass Leeroy!!!!

why dont guys like having sex in the morning?
Ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwhich.

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?
Thats because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

There was a grandpa and a boy fishing one day. The grandpa smokes a cig and the little boy says can i have one, the g-pa says can dick touch ur asshole, kid says no , g-pa says then no, so a little lata the g-pa pulls out some beer he takes a drink the kid says can i have some , g-pa says can ur dick touch ur asshole kid said no it cant g-pa said well then no, the kid says fine... they fish a little longer the kid pulls out a piece of bubble gum starts chewing it. the g-pa said can i have a piece. the kid said can ur dick touch ur asshole. the g-pa said well yah. kid says good for u go fukr urslef this is my gum...

A couple were fussing over their new born baby boy.
' Look at the size of his cock ,its huge, ' said the husband.
' Yes,but he does have your eyes darling,' said his wife.

A convict was released from prison after serving five years. His first stop after leaving the prison was a bar, where his main objective was getting laid. After having a few drinks, he approaches a pretty young woman. He proceeds to ask her out. She says no. Desperate, he says, "Alright this is the deal, I have been in jail for five years and I am dying to have sex." "I will pay you $100 to have sex with me". Disgusted the girl replies, "No way!" The convict then says, "OK $300 just to put the head in." The girl contemplates the situation and replies, "OK why not, I could use the money." They go in the back of the bar where she bends over and lifts her skirt. The convict thinks to ...   Full text

Q: how many players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: just two, but damned if I know how they'll fit in a lightbulb!

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can't
figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a
tube of cream.
"Here. Put this on and the ring'll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone
within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again. He goes
to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts
on. The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning. This goes on
for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream you're
giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, ...   Full text

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
' Can you do anything to help me,doc ? ' said the man.
' No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span, ' replied the doctor.

What do you call a blonde under a deer?
All you can eat for under a buck.

What did the prostitute shout to the man running past??
Your a fast fucker!!