Adult jokes

How did the Blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of a tree

Two blondes walked into a building the other day...
you would have thought that at least one of them would have seen it!!

Why was the blonde's belly button sore? Because her boyfriend was a blonde as well.

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
At the little village of
Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch
they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

How do you change a blonde's mind?
You blow in her ear!

Why did the blonde go up on the roof?
She was told that drinks were on the house!

A blonde and a brunette are driving in a car down a freeway.
The brunette sees a police car in the rear view mirror.
She asks the blonde to turn around and see if the police cars' lights are on.
The blonde turns around and replys "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went into the ObGyn office together. When they met after their check-ups, the redhead was smilling, and the brunette asked her why. "I'm going to have a baby boy," the redhead replied.
"How do you know?" asked the blonde.
"Because I was on top."
This got the brunette thinking, and she smiled as well. "I'm having a girl!" she exclaimed. Again the blonde asked how she knew. "I was on bottom," said the brunette.
The blonde started bawling. "Why are you crying?" the redhead asked.
Through her tears, the blonde replied, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a dollar, and got out a coke. She then put in another dollar, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more and more dollars and got out more and more cokes.
As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her. he tapped her on her shoulder, and said "What on earth are you doing?"
She replied angrily " Shut up! Cant you see im winning?!"

There were three construction workers, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. One day when they were eating lunch, the red head said, "I hope I don't get a turkey sandwich." and sure enough, he gets a turkey sandwich. Then he says, "If I get another turkey sandwich, I am going to kill myself." Then the brunette opens his lunch and says,"I hope I don't get a roast beef sandwich." and sure enough, he gets a roast beef sandwich. Then he says, "If I get another roast beef sandwich, I am going to kill myself." Then the blonde opens up his lunch and says, "I hope I don't get a cheese sandwich." and sure enough, he gets a cheese sandwich. Then he says, "If I get another cheese sandwich, I am ...   Full text

One day a blond was driving down the street. As she was going along she spotted another blond sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a field. She was so angry she slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car and screamed at the top of her lungs, "You stupid idiot! It's dumb blonds like you that give smart blonds like me a bad name. I have half a mind to swim out there and kick your butt!"

why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
they like more head room.

Two blondes and a brunette are trapped on an island. The first blonde swims from the island to the mainland. The second blonde builds a boat from palm trees and rows to the mainland. The brunette, however, uses the bridge.

There are 13 blondes and a brunette hanging on a rope off Mount Everest. The rope is about to snap until a blonde says,"One of us has to let go for the rest of us to survive! Or else we'll all die!" So the 13 blondes start arguing and start saying "you jump off!" "No you jump off!" So finally the brunette says,"Fine... I'll let go for the rest of you to live and make it up this mountain." A second later, as all the blondes are so happy, they begin to clap.

Q:How do you confuse a blonde?
A:Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"
She says, "Every ...   Full text

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, because she's got the grenade in her mouth!

A blonde in the depths of Louisiana wanted a pair of alligator skin boots,but did not want to pay the high prices that were asked.After one particularly high priced pair,the blonde shouted "Well maybe I'll just go and kill an alligator and get a pair of shoes myself!!"
The shopkeeper replied "Go for it.Good Luck!!"
After work one day the same shopkeeper was walking along the Louisiana river when he saw the same blonde standing knee-deep in the water,shotgun in hand.As he watched a 9 foot alligator swan toward her.The blonde took aim and killed the lizard,and with a grea deal of effort,dragged it to shore.The shopkeeper watched,amazed, as the blonde pulled the alligator towards ...   Full text

One day there was a brunette on the side of the road jumping up and down saying "88! 88!"
So later that day, a blonde pulls over by the brunette and decides that it looks like fun, so they both start jumping and saying 88!
After a while, the brunette explains to the blonde that it's even more fun to jump in the middle of the road and yell out 88 so she does and gets hit by a car. The brunette then starts to say "89! 89!"

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

There was a blonde and a brunette were walking down the sidewalk. the brunette says "Hey look a dead bird." The blonde look up and says "Where,where?"

There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are all in grade 3. Which one is hottest?
The blonde because she is 18.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A brunette, a red head, and a blond each got to bring one thing to the desert.The brunette brought food because she might get hungry, the red head brought water because she might get thirsty, and the blond brought a car door because if it gets hot she can roll down the window!

A blond ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red.
"What happened?" he asked,
"I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear," she replied.
"Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?" he asked.
She frowned and replied
"The jerk rang back!"

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, "Because when we did it, my husband was on top."
The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top."
The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "My baby's going to be a puppy."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs
for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to
throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to
leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot ...   Full text

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

When does a blonde have two brain cells?
When's she's pregnent!