Dirty jokes

what did the hillbilly girl say right after she was done sex.......
get off me dad ur crushing my smokes

1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, its cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why dont we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. Its more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, theres a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4 bigger.
13. Its ok, well work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, theres an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I ...   Full text

Whats the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex will make your day
Anal sex will make your HOLE WEEK!

A man walks into a whorehouse and asks the madam,"Pardon me madam, are you a union whorehouse?"
She replies:"No, were not"
HE says: "THEN you can't have my business because I only shop at union businesses."
He walks into a second whorehouse and asks the madam,"Pardon me madam, are you a union whorehouse?"
She replies:"No, were not"
HE says: "THEN you can't have my business because I only shop at union businesses."
He then walks into a third whorehouse and asks the madam,"Pardon me madam, are you a union whorehouse?"
She replies:"Why, yes we are."
HE says: "THEN you have my business because I only shop at union businesses, and I'll take that pretty blond ...   Full text

There was a 4 story apartment building. On the top floor the guy liked to cut things with his chainsaw. Below him, the guy liked to pea out the window. THe guy on the second story liked to paint things green, and the guy on the bottom enjoys eating pickles. One day the guy on the top floor ran out of things to cut in his house, so he went outside and starting chopping the tree outside of his window. He accidently dropped his chainsaw.
At the same time, the guy below him was peaing out the window. The chainsaw falls and chops off his peaness.
The dude below started painting stuff outside his window. He painted the guys peaness that fell from above, ...   Full text

The worst part about being a cheerleader is when u do the splits having 8 class rings fall out!

What do u call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette

There was a picky rich man who like to receive head. But his wife hated to give head. So the man went into town and went up to a whore and asked her, "Can you suck my dick and sing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time? It must be a clear voice, not hummed. "The whore said sure and he took her to a hotel room and turned out the light.
She started to suck him and then she started humming the national anthem. The rich man said "Nope! I'm not paying you." and left.
He walked the streets again and found a second woman. He asked her, "Can you suck my dick and sing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time? It must be a clear voice not hummed. " The whore said sure and he took ...   Full text

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL NAMED JESSICA WHO WENT TO THE STORE TO BUY PICKLES .WHENSHE GOT TO THE STORE SHE WENT TO THE PICKLE AILE WHEN SHE WALKED IN SHE SEEN A STRANGE MAN SHE WALKED TO HIM AND SAID WAT R U DOING HERE? HE SAID WAITNG TO TELL YOU SOMETHING I KNOW U HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.SHE REPLIED WAT ? IF U REALLY WANT SOMETHING SLIMY AND BUMPY MEET ME OUTSIDE

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He Wiped his ass!!!

Q. why are old women so quiet on the toilet?
A. cause thier lips hang in the water

Guy gets outta jail has ten bux in his pocket and the clothes on his back. couple years in the slammer makes for a really long time without sex. He decides to go get him some at the nearest whorehouse - Asked the lady "what can I get for 10 bux"? Lady gives him a slightly dirty look but smiles soon after and says "up the stairs 3rd door on the right" she takes the 10 bux and he makes his way to the room where he is shocked to see a beautiful woman naked on the bed waiting for him. He gets all excited and rips his clothes off, jumps on her and starts going to town. After he is done he goes back downstairs tells the lady "I think somethings wrong with the woman I was just with, mid way ...   Full text

A business man comes up on a hotel...the only one for miles its late and he has too wake up early so he stops and goes in the hotel and says do u have any rooms available? the clerk says no. the man replies you have no rooms at all? then the clerk says we have one room but theres 3 very bad doors in the room so we dont let anybody stay in it. after swearing he will not mess with the doors the clerk finally says ok but u must not touch the doors. so after 30 minutes of being in the room the business man gets really curious so he goes and opens the 1st door and a naked lady comes running out and they start fucking so after a while she goes back in then he opens the 2nd door and the same ...   Full text

A man walks into a bordello / hooker bar in New Orleans and says to the madam of the house "I would like to see Madelyn." The madam says "Madelyn is our most expensive woman at a $1000 a night." The guy says "No problem!" and lays down $1000 in cash. Madelyn comes downstairs, they both go back upstairs, they screw around and the man leaves. The next night, the man shows up and requests Madelyn again, throws down $1000, and Madelyn and the guy go upstairs and screw around. After they're done Madelyn tries to make small talk and asks him where he's from. The guy says "I'm from Philadelphia". Madelyn jumps up in surprise and says, " Really, me too!!" The guys says "Yeah, I know. Your ...   Full text

Q) What's worse than shoving 5 oysters up an 80 year old pussy?
A) Sucking them out and finding 6.
Q) What's worse than sucking out an unexpected oyster from an 80 year old pussy?
A) The burp.

Q: What do you call a Black man flying a plane?
A: A Pilot you fucking racist!

one day three sister were at home and there mom said there boyfriens could spend the night ,that night there mom was walking threw the hallway and in the first daughter's room she heard crying,in the second daughters room she heard laughing and in the third daughter room she didn't here anything the next day after there boyfriends left the mother asked the first daughter why she was crying she said it hurts the first time u do it,she asked the second daughter why she was laughing she said it tickles the first time u do it and she ask the last daughter what she was doind because she didn't here anything she said you taught me not to talk with my mouth full

There was a mother sitting at home with her 3 children. Her first daughter comes up to her and says "mommy, why did you name me petal?" Mother replies "because when you were born a petal fell on your head???
Her second daughter comes up to their mother and says ???mommy, why did you name me leaf???? Mother replies ???because when you were born a leaf fell on your head???
Then the mothers son comes up to their mother says ??? aawwwwwnaaaaaahhaaakkeeegaahawww??????..and everyone says.. ???SHUT UP FRIDGE???!!!!

How many animals live up a girls pants?
2 Calfs
100 Hairs
A pussy
And a tuna fish that you can never find

A man was concerned about his failing eyesight and went into the opticians.The optician said the man should stop masturbating.The man asked,' will I go blind?'
The optician said 'No, but you are upsetting all the people in the waiting room.'

Q.) What does a hooker and a bungee chord have in commen?
A.) Their both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks you're dead.

Two cowboys are riding along a dirt road and one sees a pile of shit. So the first cowboy says to the second cowboy i'll bet you $1000 u cant eat that whole pile of shit. So the second cowboy agrees and so he eats all the shit and gets the money ...then along the way they see another pile of shit...so the first cowboy says how bout double or nothing, lets bet $1000 that I can eat this pile of shit so the second cowboy agrees... and so the cowboy eats it all and the other cowboy gives him his money back....later down tha road the first cowboy tells his buddy...do you realize we both just ate a pile of shit for nothing..?

Q: What are two skunks called 69ing?
A: Odor eaters

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

What is the first thing to come out of a penis when you kiss It?
The Wrinkles

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry hun; I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another
man in her life so she placed an ad, which read
something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE
...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her
doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of
mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her
qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened
the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying
on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do ...   Full text

a pirate walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender goes, gets hisdrink, and goes back over to give it to him
The bartender noticed something strange about him, so he looked oveer the bar to see a steeringwheel attached to the pirates zipper.
He says to the pirate," um exuse me sir, but i would like to point out that u have a steering wheel attached to your pant zipper."
the pirate quickly answers,"arr and its drivin me nuts."

Do you know what tusla spelled backwards?
a slut
Do you knwo what a slut backwards is?
$100

A man decided to go to a massage parlour for the first time.When he gets there the woman is drop dead gorgeous,great big tits,nice face and an hour glass figure.Two minutes into the massage his dick is rock hard,
He asks if he can have a wank,'sure thing,' she says and leaves the room.
Five minutes later she pops her head round the door and asks him if he's finished.