Dirty jokes

What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just ...   Full text

Why are lesbian so lazy?
Cuz they don't do dick and always eay out.

there was a black man named fred who was a hitman. one day fred had a job in a pawn shop some fuckers to this rich daughters watch and sold it back to her for 2 times its worth. on that day fred killed the man with a clock seven gun which some people know it is compatable with a suppresser. after the job was finished he took his swiss army knife and stabbed the bastard at least 27 times. after he was done with the unnesacery stabbing he found an object that looked pecululer. it was a lamp so fred took the lamp and put it on his shelf. a couple of years went by and before red knew it he was in a retirment home slpping the asses of the nurses. when he saw the lamp that he took so very long ...   Full text

What's another sick thing to do?
Slap a blind person round the face and tell them, "Bet you didn't see that one coming!" grrrrrrrr

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Non-alcoholic
Industrious &
Self-organized
In short B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S

Baa baa big dick have you any sperm? yes mam, yes mam 2 balls firm,
None for my girlfriend, none for my ex, All for this Horny bitch reading this txt

Doctors say Penis is the greatest breakfast, cos it has a mushroom head, a hotdog, 2 eggs & Cream which provides all the nutrients 2 make a woman healthy

Twinkle, twinkle massive Knob, how she likes it in her gob
when she feels tht certain twitch she pulls it out
THE SPITEFUL BITCH!!!!!!!

one day a priest went out to his farm to check his hens but to his surprise there was no cock hen! he announced in mass has anyone seen a cock? all the woman stood up, he then said i mean has anyone got a cock, all the men stood up, he said, no no i mean has anyone seen a cock witch does not belong to them, half the woman stood up, no no no, i mean has anyone seen my cock, all the kewire boys stood up!!!

little johnny is in the middle of class and stands up and sais i have to piss and the teacher sais now johnny the proper word is urinate and well your in the bathroom i want you to think of a sentence that has the word urinate in it and so johnny goes and does his thing and comes back and the teacher goes well johnny did you think of a sentence and he goes yep urinate and if you had bigger tits youd be a ten

Have you heard about the kid that was born last week. He was born with no eye lids. Apparently the docktors took the foreskin off his dick and made him eye lids. Yeah, now he's cock eyed

A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.
"But I don't know how to hear confessions," said the altar boy.
"It's easy," said the priest, "You've seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference."
So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.
"Father, I don't know what to do," the man said. "Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and fucked her in the ass. I feel bad about it, but I don't know how to make it up to her."
"That's easy," said the altar boy. "Just give her ...   Full text

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect,"
her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

New Company Slogans:
1. Pepto Bismol- When you're having a shitty time.
2. Nicorette- For butt-fucking quiters.
3. Trojan Condoms- So you don't end up with children that go to the same school district as you, at the same time.
4. Umbrellas- Can be used as a floatation device in southern states.
5. Pink Shirts- Now you can support Breast Cancer Relief and be gay at the same time!
6. Black Velvet whiskey- Works best with nights with Jay LiBrande's mom.
7. Any Abortion clinic- For the last time Mr. LiBrande you can't get pregnant from anal sex!
8. Lee's chicken- Our biscuits can be used to wipe off the shit stains on your Corduroy drawers while you ...   Full text

Q. What do you call a gay Jew?
A. A Heblew!

whats pink and hard?
A Pig with a knife

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and ...   Full text

What do you call the extra skin around a pussy...
ans: women

A couple are driving down the freeway when they decide to have passionate sex. They pull over to the side of the road and begin. A soon while later a cop pulls up behind them and catches them in the act. He writes out a ticket and states the offence as: doing 69 in a 60 km/h area.

Boy draws a penis on the board one day in class. Lady teacher sees it and rubs it off. Next day the boy draws a bigger one and writes ' the more u rub, the bigger it gets"

One 8 year old boy went to shop and said........ Excuse me, I want Condom.
Shopkeeper shocked, "Why this small boy need condom?"..
OK.... shopkeeper gave him a condom.
Boy:- Uncle, Its too small.
Shopkeeper:- Ok, come tomorrow, i will give u a bigger one.
(next day)
Boy:- Uncle , this is also very small.
Shopkeeper:- Ok, come tomorrow, i will give u a bigger one.
(This situation continued for 4 days)
(on fifth day ........).
Shopkeeper:-(in anger he shouted):-what size you want?
Boy: I want condom of my size..
Shopkeeper:- Why?
Boy:- Because, I have to become Penis in my school’s Fancey Dress Competition.
...   Full text

Rooster ate so much he had to ask Donkey for a ride. Half way home,
Donkey's back is hurting. MORAL: A fat Cock can really make a sore Ass.

a man bought a bull from a local man. He was having trouble getting the bull to breed so he asked the man he bought it from. The man said "just stick your fingers into the cows vagina and rub it on the bulls nose, he will get hard immediately." Ok, so he goes home and tries it, sure enough the bull goes wild and scrumps the shit out of the cow. That night the man is laying in bed and thinks that he might get his dick up if he tried the same trick with his wife. So when shes sleeping he reaches over and sticks his fingers in her vagina, he rubs them under his nose and sure enough, here comes his hardon. So he wakes her up and says " Honey, look!" She rolls over and says "Big deal, you got ...   Full text

One morning in December, a happily married couple rises from their night's rest. The husband rolls over to his beautiful wife and asks how her night was.
She replies,"It was great! I had the best dream in the world." Intrigued, the husband urges her to go on. "Well, I had a dream that I had the most beautifully decorated Christmas Tree ever! It was covered with Cocks; big ones, long ones, hard ones, smooth ones, every kind of dick you could imagine."
The husband, now gloating a little asks, "Was mine at the top for the shining star?"
"No, yours was at the bottom with the broken wrinkly tiny ones. How was your night honey?"
...   Full text

Kylie,Elton John and Robbie Williams walking down the street.Kylie trips jamming her head in some railings.Robbie pulls down her knickers and fucks her senseless!
He turns to Elton and says "your turn" but Elton starts crying. "Whats wrong"says Robbie,Elton sobs and says "me head wont fit in the railings!...!!!

The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress,??? she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes ...   Full text

My Private Part Died Today:
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Lisa
asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Lisa," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and
I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Lisa. "Mr.
Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall ...   Full text

10 reasons to date a video game player
1. He's good with his hands.
2. He can keep going for hours.
3. He learns from mistakes.
4. He knows what buttons to press.
5. He can stay focused.
6. He works well in the dark.
7. He doesn't cheat.
8. He knows the best moves.
9. He can always score.
10. He's got good aim.