Dirty jokes

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts . . . .
...   Full text

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. Happy Birthday Happy Birthday happy birthday Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious he asks the bloke why.Well the guy says I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were ...   Full text

a woman walks down a street one day and runs into a man. the man says " my your hair smells good today" the woman then says "yeah ok"
the next day on her way home she runs into the same guy, the guy again says, " my your hair smells good today" by this time the girl was freaked out, so she went to the police station and told the police man that she wanted to file harrasment charges on the man on the street. the police man says "ok, for what mam" the lady says " well everyday i go the same way home and on this street this man says that my hair smells good" "mam i dont see i problem with that he is just being nice," the officer says. so the lady got a little mad and says " well it is ...   Full text

A man has an appointment at the dentist's.
Dentist: have you been sucking pussy sir?
Man: how can you tell, is it my bad breadth?
Dentist: no, the hair between your teeth.

little johnnys walkin down the street one day and an old man stops him and says "where you goin lil' johnny?" johnny replies, "i'm going to the pond". whatcha got under your arm. "i got a sack, im gonna catch some ducks" says johnny. the old man says, "you cant catch no ducks with a sack, get out of here johnny" a few hours later johnny comes back with a sack full of ducks. next day lil' johnny is walking down the street and the old man asks, "where you goin lil' johnny?" lil' johnny says, "goin down to the pond" whatcha got under your arm lil' johnny? "i got some chicken wire, for catchin chickens" the old man replies, "you cant catch no chickens with chicken wire, get out of here lil' ...   Full text

Fuck is good fuck is funny ,lots of people fuck 4 money.If u think that fuck is funny . Then fuck yourself & save your money.

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
-paint its balls red.
How did tarzan die?
-pickin cherries
lol you do the math

a man runs into the doctors office he says "doctro i just been fucked by an elephant" the doc says "show me" he pulls his pants down and his asshole is huge.
the doc goes"man even if he fucked you ur asshole wouldnt be this big"
the man goes "i know doctor he fingered me first"

One night a man got drunk and walked home from the bar and passed out in bed right next to his wife and went into a dream he had a dream that he went to heaven and he was at the gates into heaven and she saw a line with saint peter there and walked up and said am i in heaven saint peter replied yes your in heaven the drunk man replied how did i die saint peter said umm hold on wait a little while and i can pull up your records with that the drunk said ok saint peter pointed to a chair and he went up to the chair and sat down he saw a blonde angel pass and said can i go and fuck her saint peter said yes do it behind the cloud so he spent 30 minutes fucking the blonde and she left and he ...   Full text

FUCK OFF
Fuck every thing you've ever said
Fuck every thing you've put in my head
Fuck the trip that you've been on
Fuck every place that your ass has gone
Fuck all the different ways you lie
Fuck all your lame excuses why
Fuck every one who cares for you
Fuck every Fucking Punk you do !!!
Fuck his car....Fuck his truck
Fuck that punk he probily sucks
I've put my love up on a shelf
So you can just go FUCK YOUR SELF !!!
Fuck your BullShit, Fuck your views
Fuck your DumbASS and your fucking blues
Do I sound bitter? Oh you bet !
You unfaithful Bitch I'm not done with you yet
Fuck your dog....Fuck your ...   Full text

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla,
'How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." She
responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'." Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." Darla
says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate." Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e,
dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." "I
may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate
good!"

A judge has to convict two drug addicts but it is late on a friday and he can't be bothered. So he says to them 'listen guys i can't be arsed so if you come back on monday having got some other people off drugs ill let you off.' The two drug addicts nod and leave.
On monday the judge asks the first guy 'how many people did you get off drugs' and the guy says '4 sir' the judge asks him how and the guy replies 'i drew 2circles, one was massive and the other was small, i pointed at the big one and said this is the size of your brain before you get on drugs and then i pointed to the small circle and said this is the size of your brain after you've taken drugs' the judge is very ...   Full text

three generations of prostitutes are discussing current financial conditions of their industry. the youngest one says "I can't believe I only get $20 for a blow job."
her mama says "girl, when I was your age I could barely get $5 for a blow job."
Grandma says, "when I was your age, we would give blow jobs for free just to have something warm in our stomach."

Little Martin is four years old.
One day while he was pestering his mother, she said " Why dont you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn some thing."
Martin was gone for abot two hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned. martin replied.....
"Well first you put the fucking door up. Then the son of a bitch dosnt fit
so you have to take the cock sucker down, then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up. "
Martins mother said, " wait until your father gets home."
When Martins Dad came home Martin told him the whole story.
Martins Dad is ...   Full text

A Frenchman was on trial for rape, standing in court, the judge says tell me
what happened. The frenchman says well, she took offa her shirt, I took offa
my shirt. She took offa her pants, I took offa my pants.
The judge says, well that sounds like consent.
The frenchman says,Consent! Your honor, I got cunt scent on my mustache,
Cunt scent ona my fingas.....

One day this woman asked her husband when he was going to take her coon huntin, well he told she didn't need to go but she kept on insisting so he said she could go only if she dressed up like a man. She said ok no problem. Well that night she got ready and tucked her up under hat and she looked like a man. Well they turn the dogs loose and they get treed on down through a holler. All the guys get started and they head through the woods well they come to a barbed wire fence and start to cross the fence. The dogs get ahold of something but while that went on the wife she was crossing the fence, she got the crotch of her overall stuck on the fence and ripped them. One of the guys saw her ...   Full text

what does a blonde put behind her ears to make her look more atractive?
her ankles

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants a tattoo of santa claus on her inner right thigh and the thanksgiving turkey on her inner left thigh. The artist says, "ma'am that's kind of a strange request ... might i ask why you want those particular tattoos there?" "Well", she says, "my husband's always bitching that there's nothing good in the house to eat between thanksgiving and christmas, so i thought i would fix that!"

To whom this may concern:
I have a serious issue. Do you mind me asking you for a favor? Here's my dilemma. I've been wanting this for a long time. I've been craving it for soooo long! I mean the memories of it going in hard and coming out soft; it's driving me insane! My tongue wrapped around it, licking up the juices. My mouth waters due to the strong urges. I can't help moan to each bite, for the flavor is too great! I need it can't you see? So can you please help me? Well now that I've chimed my heart out, here's my question:
Can I have some gum?
Thanks,
Spyro

So, one day... a girl was sick and her boyfriend had come over to fix her
up and make her feel better... so he brought some soup, brownies, and a tape
with some re-runs of the OC and Laguna Beach. He makes the soup and sets
everything on a table next to her and pops in the tape. She eats the soup and watches
the video. Her boyfriend says that he's gotta go to meet a friend, so he
leaves and she breaks out the brownies. She finishes them right as video tape was
over... right after Laguna Beach ends, it cuts to a scene with her boyfriend
getting a blowjob from her best friend and she spits his cum into the bowl of
brownie mix. He looks at the camera and ...   Full text

A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his room.
she strips off all her clothes and all he does is stares at her.
" what Honey, is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one? "
No, it's just the first one i've seen big enough to crawl back into ! "

One time this dude came back from camping with a huge cut on his shoulder. His friend said "How the hell did youget that?" The guy said "I had sex with a bear". His friend goes "Why the fuck would you do that?!" The guy goes "Well I was out taking a nice walk in the mountians and i was picking up some pine cones. Next thing i know some bear scratched my back with his claws". His friend looked confused. Then the guy goes "So i raped the honey eating motherfucker!"

Why is the chicken the dirtiest animal?.. Because it eats with its pecker :)

Two men walk into a bar. They step up to the bar and turn around to check out the scenery.
The first man says, "Man, I could easily have sex with any woman in this bar."
The second mans ask, "Oh really, dude? Well, why do you say that?"
The first man replies, "Because I'm a rapist."

Two cannibals were feasting on a missionary. The first cannibal says, 'You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle." The other cannibal agreed and they started eating.
After a few minutes, the cannibal at the top asks the other one, "How are you doing?"
He replies, "I'm having a ball!"
The first cannibal says, "Wow, you sure eat fast!"

This mouse was walking through the jungle one day when he sees an elephant in pain. The elephant says to the mouse,"Oh please mouse, could you get this thorn out of my foot?" the mouse says,"sure, but on one condition. as soon as the thorn is out, you must let me have my way with you." The elephant, in unbearable pain, agrees and the mouse removes the thorn and starts doing his dirty to the elephant. Just then, a monkey in a tree happens to see this event going on and is so creeped out and disgusted that he decides to throw coconuts at the pair to get them to stop. The monkey launches a coconut at the elephants head and the elepant cries out, "OH MY GOD! that hurts!" The mouse, without ...   Full text

Okay, so this gay guy walks into a sports bar and sits at the bar and orders a margarita. the gay guy farts and says "excuse me". The guy next to him says "3 points". the gay guy goes "huh?'' and the sports guy says it was a small one just good enough for a field goal. the gay guy says "Oh" the guy next to him lets a big one and says "6 points". So the gay guy pushes out another small one so the gay guy says " 3 points". The sports guy was like "well me and my buddies have to go so i'll just let out a field goal and finish it all up" So he starts to push 1 out and the gay guy started humpin the other guys ass and the guy was like "What the hell are you doin?" and the gay goes " block ...   Full text

"hey you forgot to open one more present." so the girl says no i didnt i dont see one. so he said thats because its in the car hold on. so the boy went out to the car and came in with a little box. so he told her to open the box. when she opened it it was a paper shaped pink heart that said "your last gift is my heart. now listen to what i have to say" the girl looked up at the boy and he said.. "will you be my girlfriend because i have loved you since the day we met i was just not ready to tell you.." so the girl started crying and said yes. then she said " i have loved you since the day we met too"..
2 Years later, her so called 'true love' was waiting for her boyfriend in his ...   Full text

Mental Institution
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,
"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,
and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob ...   Full text

A guy turns to his girlfriend and sais,"Damn, you've got a big pussy....Damn you've got a big pussy."
The girl looks at him and sais,"OK,but why did you say it twice?"
The guy replies with,"I didnt,THAT was the echo."