Dirty jokes

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''
Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's ...   Full text

True story
My friends girlfriend and him had been dating for over a year, and so they decided to get married. His parents helped them in every way, so did me and my friends, and his girlfriend? She was hot! There was only one thing bothering him, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. His sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near him and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he got there. She ...   Full text

These two buddies are hanging out at a bar, and the one buddy says to the
other buddy " Hey man, what's the deal with all this luck you have with
women? We both dress about the same, make the same amount of money,
and neither one of us is bad looking or anything. What's your secret?" The
lucky guy says " You know, it's all about the package." "The package, what
the hell do you mean?", says the unlucky guy. The lucky guy says " Every
time I go out, I stuff a potato down my pants. The women see that bulging
package and they come running!" " Cool!" says the unlucky guy, "I'll give
that a shot sometime." About two weeks go by and they're hanging ...   Full text

Little Johnny was at Sunday school one day, and the nun that was teaching him asked the class, which part of your body do you think reaches heaven first? A girl named Sally answered with 'I think the hands are the first part of your body that reaches heaven because God will pull you up by your hands because you pray with them everyday'. That's an excellent answer Sally replied the nun. 'I think your legs go first!' said Little Johnny, the nun, confused asks 'why do you think that?' and Little Johnny says, 'because the other day I walked into my mums room, she had her legs in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I'm coming!" if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, we would've ...   Full text

what did the egg say to the boiling water??????
how am i suppose to get hard if i just got laid 10 mins ago

So this couple is in the dudes care makin' out. They decide to take it to the back of the car. He starts goin' down on her. A couple of seconds into it, he feels something in his mouth. He pauses and pulls it out. Its a fuckin' pea! Hes like 'whatever, I'm gonna get laid', and goes back down. A few more seconds go by and he feels something in his mouth again. Slightly irritated, he pulles it out and sees it is a carrot. Whatever man, gonna get laid, gonna get laid, he thinks. Goes back down. Comes up with a god damned potatoe chunk. "What the fuck?! Are you sick or something?", he yells at her. "No, but the last guy was", she replies.

What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant

So a blonde and a brunette walk into a bar. As they are sitting down, the brunette notices a guy checkin out the blonde. So the brunette decides to go and talk to this guy. She walks up to him and says,
"hey, i see you've been checkin out my friend. You know, the blonde sitting over there. She's pretty isn't she?"
the guy responds,
"oh man, she's just gorgeous, absolutely beautiful."
brunette: "well, for $50 i can arrange for you to smell her pussy."
guy: "well yea, of course!" he pulls out the money and hands it to her. she takes it and breathes in his face.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be ...   Full text

When someone asks what your looking for when it comes to women- just say a pizza. Something I can eat everday and not get tired of it.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a 50 foot telephone poll?
A 50 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch somebody.

theres this flea, that just hates his life. one day he gos to the flea master and says to him, i am miserable,will you please put me somewhere where i am happy.the flea master thinks and says, ihave somwhere i can put you. i will put you up on a horses hind,youll really love it there. so the master puts the flea up on the hind of the horse. the next day the flea calls the master again and says " you have to get me out of here. this horse is killing me with his tail" the master says i have another place i can put you. i will put you up high on an old country stars beard name Willie Nelson. youll really love it there. the next day the flea tells the master again " you have to get me out of ...   Full text

Back in the 1800's a farmer and his daughter head into the market to sell that years crop so they can survive the winter. So they go to town and sell everything, they had plenty of money to make it all winter. On the way back, the father notices a pack of bandits behind them. He breaks down because he knows that they are going to take all of the money, so the daughter say QUICK DAD GIVE ME THE MONEY! moments later the bandits leave and take everything. The father begins to cry and the daughter says its ok dad, i have the money still, he replies where did u hide it? she said in my pussy, he replies, well damn, if we had brought your mom we could have saved the horse and buggy too.

What do you get when you stick an M-80, twelve sticks of dynamite, and a nuclear warhead up a cow's butt?
A big mess!

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"
The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I've never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thankyou Sister."
Then the Nun turned to the ...   Full text

Did you hear about the 3 gays who abducted the blonde and took her to the forest?
2 held her down, while the other did her hair.

There was a guy in his sports car speeding across a bridge when there was the blue and red flash of a Police car. Fuck, thought the man as he pulled over to where the cop was on the other side of the bridge. "Licence and registration please sir." said the cop coming up the window. The guy gave him his licence and waited. "So Mr Jones, what is it you do for a living?" perused the cop. "Well" replied the guy, "I'm a cunt stretcher. First I get one hand in there, then two hands until I'm finally up to my elbows.....then I try and get my feet in there and pull and pull until it gets to about 6 feet wide." The cop looked at him with a surprised expression. The cop then asked "And pray tell, ...   Full text

What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts, and goes in tarts? ...   Full text

What's brown and crawls up your leg??
A homesick turd!!!!!!

how many jews does it take to change a light bulb..
six million

(( let me the first to say this i didn't write this joke, i read it somewhere and i though u all would love it))
one on bright sunshiney day, mr lion and miss zebra where fucking on top of a hill.They were totally going at it full tilt i mean mr lion had miss zebra from behind and was fucking her brains out when mr lion noticed miss lion coming up the side of the hill trying to catch him redhanded.Thinking quickly, mr.lion leans forward and whispers in her ear "quick act like i am killing u"

Why did the cannibal have indigestion after eating the priest?
'Cause it's hard to keep a good man down.

A mother and father took their son to a nudist beach. Once they got there, their son goes out to the water to play. A few minutes later he comes back and tells his mom that he saw a woman with much bigger boobs then her. The mom replies "The bigger they are the dumber they are" and the kid gose back out to play. He comes back and says "i saw a man with a bigger dong then daddy's," the mom replies "The bigger they are the dumber they are". So the kid gose out to play again. This time when he came back he said "Mommy Mommy I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady ive ever seen and the more he talked the dumber he got!"

A young cowboy has been sitting in this bar for an hour or so staring at a beautiful woman when he finally gets up enough nerve to approach her. He sits down beside her and blurts out, "M'aam, I think you're beautiful and I'd really like to take you home with me tonight." Instead of getting mad she says, "Fine, I'll go home with you but only on one condition. You must first out rhyme me." She then tells him, "I sent my pussy out to sea. Can you bring it back to me?" Well, he sits there a long while and finally he says, "With my hat I'll make a boat. I'll use my balls to make it float. I'll use my dick as an oar and row your pussy back to shore."

There was a lady who was unhappy with her boobs, she wanted bigger ones. She went to Dr. Smith and he told her, "After you wake up in the morning, rub your boobs and say Scoobie Doobie Doobies, I Want Bigger Boobies!" And you'll have bigger boobs in no time. The woman does this for about a month, and she is so impressed, she has lovely D cups now! One day, on her way to work on the bus, she realizes she has forgotton her morning ritual, worried that she might lose her lovely D's, she stands right there in the middle of the bus and says while rubbing her boobs "Scoobie Doobie Doobies, I Want Bigger Boobies!" A man sitting close to her reaches up and tugs on her sleeve. "Yes?" replies the ...   Full text

what does paris hilton and a sunken battleship have in common?
they are both a waste of semen.

if a gay guy was to jump on your back would you beat him off

Recently, they've been conducting a test to see if it's true that dogs take after their owners. They take 3 dogs from 3 different people with completely different lifestyles. The first dog comes from a doctor. They put the dog in the room with a pile of loose bones. The dog makes a skeleton out of the bones, "oh his owner must be a doctor!" the people say. The second dog comes from an architect. They put the dog in the room with the pile of loose bones and it builds a structure out of them. "oh his owner must be an architect!" shout the people. Last, they take a dog from a stripper. They put the dog in the room with the pile of bones. First it grinds up the bones into dust, ...   Full text

THERE WAS A GUY PLAYING CARDS WITH HIS FRIENDS AND HIS FRIENDS HOUSE WHEN HE DROPS HIS CARD UNDER THE TABLE AND BEDS TO PICK IT UP LOOKING UP HE SEE'S HIS FRIENDS WIFES PUSSY AND IS SHOCKED OF SUCH A THING A JUMPS UP GASPING EXCUSES EVERYONE AND RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER. SOON HIS FRIENDS WIFE WALKS IN BEHIND HIM AND ASKS IF HE "LIKE WHAT HE SEEN" THE GUY TOLD HER "YES" AND SHE SAID IF HE WANTED MORE THEN TO BRING 500 DOLLARS TOMORROW AND HE WOULD GET MORE. THE GUY THOUGHT ABOUT HIS FINANCIAL PROBLEMS AND TOLD HER HE WOULD. THE NEXT DAY HE SHOWS UP AND HANDS HER THE MONEY AND FUCKS HER WHILE HER HUSBAND WAS AT WORK. SOON HER HUSBAND COMES HOME AND ASKS IF HIS FRIEND CAME BY THE ...   Full text

THERE IS AN AMISH LADY DRIVING HER BUGGY WHEN A COP STOPS HER AND TELLS HET THAT HER HEADLIGHT IS OUT, AND BEFORE HE LETS HER GO, HE ALSO ADDS THAT ONE OF HER REINS IS WRAPPED AROUND THE HORSES NUT. WELL WHEN SHE GETS HOME SHE TELLS HER HUSBENT THAT THE COP STOPPED HER. "WHAT HE SAY" THE HUSBEND ASKS... " WELL HE SAID THAT ONE OF THE HEADLIGHTS IS OUT"... AND AS THE HUSBEND WAS JUST WALKING OUT OF THE DOOR TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE HEADLIGHT, SHE ADDED " AND THE COP ALSO SAID THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE EMERGENCY BRAKE."