Dirty jokes

there was this really fat guy that wanted to lose weight but no matter what diet he tried, nothing worked.. well one day, as he was reading the paper, he saw an ad that said LOSE AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU WANT FOR ONLY $1 A POUND. he gets excited and calls the number provided and tells them he wants to lose 10 pounds. well they tell him that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. the next morning the door bell rings and he opens the door to find a really hot blonde with a sign on her chest - "if you catch me you can have me"- and the blonde runs off. well the fat guy started chasing her, and after a while he caught her and they had sex. after she left, he ...   Full text

...WHATS THAT WHITE STUFF FOUND ON WOMENS PANTY'S.................. .( klitty litter ).....

A farmer met a poet at the pub and they got talking. The poet was in town to make poems about farm life. The farmer offers to let him stay with him and his daughter so he can get a few ideas of the country life. Three months later the poet leaves town quickly. The farmer is confused but thinks no more of it till a couple of days later his daughter comes and tells him she is pregnant, and that the lovely young poet who stayed with them was the father. The farmer is outraged and wants to beat the hell out of him, but calms down and thinks the best way to get him back here and beat him would be to write a poem to him. So he wrote the following poem.
"I hear there was some pushin from ...   Full text

How do you know if a fruit cake died?
There’s a 21 "GUN" salute outside of the gay bar

what did the white guy say to black guy? .......................nothing it was the 1930's

Q. Whats the little bumps around a womans nipples for ?
A. Braille for suck me

A man was found guilty of having sex with a dolphin.
His wife was so disgusted and embarrassed that she decided to divorce him.
He said, ' I don't care,there's plenty more fish in the sea.'

One day a gay man walks into a mexican restaurant and orders a plate of jalepenos. When he gets them he starts eating them whole and really fast. The waiter comes by and asks"Why are you eating all of those jalepenos?" the gay guy replies"I had a party 4 days ago, i havent been able to shit right since"

Three guys were at a bar talking about the night before.
First guy says "last night I had my woman sounding like a bear, she was growling like, arrgghhhh!"
The second guy says "oh yeah? Last night I had my woman sounding like a wolf, she was moaning like, aaooowwww!"
The third guy says "That's nothing, last night I had my woman sounding like a dolphin."
"A dolphin?" the first two asked. They were puzzled.
"Yeah" he says "I had her in doggystyle position, and right when I was gonna stick it in her rear, she looked back, nodding and sqeeking "ee ee ee ee!"

ok three guys die and are trying to get into heaven. got says to the first guy an overweight male "my son to enter heaven you must overcome your addiction to food, to do this you must be locked in a room for 10 years with all the good food". he says to the second guy a nympho that he must be locked in a room with all the sexiest girls untill he no longer enjoys sex. the third guy a pothead must smoke the best weed for 10 long years untill he no longer wants ne. so 10 years go by and god goes to the first room and hears crying. he opens the door to se the extremly fa guy crying that he hates food... so god lets him in . he goes to the second door and the guy iss in the middle of the ...   Full text

Three guys get stranded on an island, they have 2 dollars among them. 1 guy takes a dollar with him and says hes going to go get food, he comes across a vending machine, theres a hamburger, a soda , and a blowjob, the guy says, im really hungry, im really thirsty but im really horny. So he gets the blowjob, the second guy leaves with one dollar and comes across the same vending machine, the man says im reall hungry, im really thirsty, but im really horny, so he gets the blowjob. they all meet back at the campsite and show all each other what they have, the first 2 men, dont have anything, but the third guy says " i found 2 dollars"

One day little Susie went out to play when she found her cat Mr. Piddles laying in the garden with his legs straight up. Well she got scared and went to get her daddy. When the father saw he said "Sweety im sorry but Mr. Piddles is dead. "She said "well why is his legs up in the air?" Daddy told her because it will be easier for Jesus to sweep down and grab his leg and take him to heaven. Well a few days passed and the father came home from work, Susie came running up to him and said "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Daddy asked "What do you mean? " She said "Well mommy was laying on the floor with her legs in the air saying "Oh Jesus Im coming, Im coming", And if it wasnt ...   Full text

how many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in their own vomit

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's ...   Full text

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, ...   Full text

a 21 year old virgin goes to the pub for a few swift ones with his m8s, hes chattin away when a stunning las walks up to him, they start chatting away and decide to arange a date the next day. he runs home to his mum and says mum mum ive got a date tomorrow, were going to the pictures to watch a film and then back to hers for a coffee. his mum replies "whatever you do dont put your hands downstairs as they have teeth and it will bite your hands off". the next day he picks her up and they go to pictures, he sits there for a bit and then slowly starts edgeing his hands towards her crotch, but pulls away remembering what his mum had said to him. the film finishes and they go back to hers, ...   Full text

how do you know god intended guys to eat pussy? he shaped it like a taco!

A man picks his son up from his first day of kindergarten and to his amazement his son tells him he has learned two new words on his first day. His father says, "I am so proud of you, what are they?"
The boy replies, "Vagina and Bitch", with a look of utter confusion. The father is in complete shock and scolds the child for his vulgarity. The boy is in tears and asks his father to please explain the words and why they are so terrible. The father agrees to explain the words if the son promised never to use them again and especially not to tell his mother.
"So my boy, remember when you used to take baths with your mother when you were little?" "Yes!", replied the boy..."The ...   Full text

Those jelly babies aye
i bought some the other day, put my hand in my pocket to grab a black one and the fuck stole my watch

When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the
washer, and Tom on the couch having done nothing but drink
beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself,
mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want
to do!"
"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob
out of this..."

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is busy reading when he walks in, and she sets her book down into her lap when she hears him say " Honey this is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."
She looks at him puzzled, and says "Dear if you look closely, you'll see that's a sheep, not a pig".
He looks at her...and says "If you look even closer, you'll see that I'm not talking to you."

A man gets the words "I Love You" tatooed on his dick. He goes home and shows his wife. She looks at him and says " There you go putting words in my mouth again"

A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff.She is very upset and crying loudly.
' What are you doing up here, ' said the man.
' I'm going to kill myself, ' replied the woman.
' Well, before you do,what about giving me a blowjob? ' said the man.
The woman proceeds to give him the best blowjob he can remember.
' Anyway, why do you want to kill yourself? 'asks the man.
' Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman.'

This guy and his girlfriend are driving down a road, RREEEAALLLLLY SSLLLOOWWLLLYYYY. The girl says that for every 5 miles an hour he goes, shel'l take off a part of her clothes. So he goes 5 miles faster, her shirt. 5 faster, her pants.Eventually she is naked and hes going 75 mph. They then crash into a ditch. The gut is stuck and cant move. The says she'll go out for help. The guy tells her that he can reach his shoe and that she can use it for a bit of "clothing". She puts it over her vagina. She runs up to a trucker and says"Help, Please! My boyfiend is stuck and he cant get out!" THe trucker replys,"If he's in that far....i'm afraid i can't help you."
Get it? It looks like her ...   Full text

lil john was given 20 dollars by his dad to go lose his virginity to a hooker,
on the way there he stopped by his grandma's house for cookies,
Grandma asked: where ae you heading to lil john, he replied: dad gave me money to go lose my virginity to a hooker. Grandma said: oh, well, just give me the 20 dollars and I'll fuck you.
Lil john went home, dad asked: how did it go with the hooker
lil john replied: I never got to her, grandma fucked me instead.
Dad said: YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER?????!!!!!!!!
lil john replied: Well...... now you know how I feel

A Lebanese Guy from Beirut named "Abou el abed" died with his dick standing up. His relatives put him in a coffin but they couldn't close it up because each time they try to close it, the "standing dick" forbid them to do so. Suddenly, they got an idea: they pulled his dick, twisted it and put it into "Abou el abd"'s ass. Abou el abed seemed to be suffering: his color changed to red...
Abou el abd's wife looked up at Abou el abd's best friend and said: "Did you see "Abou Nasif"! I told you that it hurts in the ass!!!"

This guy walks into a bar and uses the washroom so hes pissin another guy walks in starts pissin, 1st guy looks at other guy and sees he has 2 dicks 1st guy being curious asks 2nd guy why he has 2 dicks 2nd guy says ones for pissin ones for fucking, 1st guy asks where can i get one of those so 2nd guy tells him this doctor ill tell you and its cheap. So next day 1st guys at the doctors, doctor walks in and says so you want one of these, Doctor has 3 dicks 1st guy says why do you have 3 dicks, doctor says ones for pissin ones for fucking 1st guy asks whats the 3rd one for? ...   Full text

tramp enters a jewellers and begins to casually finger his hole, the jeweller is astounded and disgusted, he walks over to the tramp and politely asks him to leave the premises! the tramp simply walks out the door and points at a sign in the jewellers window " come in and pick your ring in comfort"

A husband and wife are having sex upstairs with the window open when a bumblebee flies in the window and into the wife's vagina. The man and the woman freak out and decide to go to the emergency room. When they finally get to see a doctor, he says that his plan is to put honey on the tip of his penis, to start having sex with the woman, and then to attract the bee and pull out his penis along with the bee. After a minute the husband and wife agree to the plan. The doctor starts having sex with the wife. At first the mood is still calm, but after a couple of minutes the doctor starts groping the wife's breasts. She starts moaning and screaming along with the doctor. The husband yells, ...   Full text

How many flies would it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, but i have no clue how they would get in there.