Dirty jokes

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most ...   Full text

This horse on a farm goes up to the cow and goes, "I have a bigger dick than u" then he beats him up. The horse then goes up to a sheep and goes "I have a bigger dick than u" and beats him up too. He then goes up to the female cat and says "I have a bigger dick than u" and the cat replies "I don't have a dick" then she beats up the horse. The moral of the story is, no matter how big the dick, the pussy can always take it.

Theres this rich old lady who has never been satisfied by a man and she decided that she'll give 1 million dollars to a man who can fully comfort her. so all these huge guys start to fuck her one by one for the money and they all got kicked out by her all saying " whoa.... toooo big". Then some small guy hears about this and decides to have a go, and the other guys who got kicked out thought the little guy would get kicked out in a matter of seconds but bout an hour later he came out with the money. so they were amazed and asked how he did it and the dumb kid said " daddy told me to use my head to do everything.."

A woman and a pro body builder met at a bar one night and hit it off well.They decided to go back to a hotel room for some all night fun.They get to the hotel room and the guy immediately starts to undress.First he takes off his shirt and says(refering to his arms) "see those baby thats 1000 pounds of dynamite".The woman starts to get more anxious.Then he continues to take off his pants and says( refering to his thighs) "see those baby thats 1000 pounds of dynamite".The woman is aching for action at this point as she starts to touch herself.The he starts to remove his boxers and show off his package as the women screams in freight and runs out of the room.he goes to find her and shes ...   Full text

alright theres a married couple and one day the wife aask her husband to change a light bulb he said i ain't no electrian. later that day she ask him to fix a squeaky door and he said i ain't no carpenter. that evening she was trying to go the store but the car needed oil so she asked her husband to put some oil in the car and he said i ain't no mechanic and went to work. after he left a man came by and asked her what was the matter after she tolded him he said well i can fix all of that but u have to do something for me she said what he said u can have sex with me or bake me a pie. so after he left her husband came home and noticed everthing was fixed he asked his wife how everthing got ...   Full text

roses are red, violets are corney, when i think of you ooooh baby i get horney, eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fuck me very slowly. if you kiss me dont be sassy, use your tongue and make it nasty. holy mother full of grace, bless my boyfriends gorgeous face, bless his hair that tends to curl, keep him safe from all the girls, bless his arms that are so strong, keep his hands where they belong, bless his dick........the one i sucked, bless the bed in which we fucked, and if my mom happens to walk in bless the shit that i'd be in. sex is bad , sex is a sin, sins are forgiven.........so stick it in

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

A priest is receiving confession, and a rabbi joins him. A woman comes up to the priest and says "Father I have comitted adultery". The priest asks "how many times?". The woman says three. The priest says "OK I'll tell you what. You donate $20 and say 12 Hail May and you are forgiven".
After this the priest has to go somewhere and he tells the rabbi "You stay and
confess the rest of these people, after all it is the same God. Just be sure and get the money". So the rabbi is sitting there and another woman comes up and says "Father I have comitted adultery". The rabbi asks "how many times?", and the woman says once. Now he is stumped and he asks her again "are you sure it was'nt ...   Full text

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger ...   Full text

Little Johnny was on his paper route one day and his was collecting the money. He walked up to this retired strippers house to collect from her and she said I don't have any money right now would you take sex. Little Johnny says yeah and they go in the house. The women lays down on the bed and Little Johnny pulls out the biggest dick she has ever seen. Then Johhny starts putting these big washers on his dick and the stripper says don't worry honey i can take it all and Little Johnny says not for 3.75 you can't!

out for a sunday drive ,, this little boy sees two dogs fucken,, hey daddy what are they doing ,, "his father tells him ohh they are making puppies...... later that night . he walks in on his parents havin sex... Daddy what are u doing to mommy... its okay son, we are making a baby..... he replies... roll her over daddy ,,,,I want puppies......

An old man walks into the dentist office and has a very bad tooth ache, the dentist calls him back into the room and checks out the tooth. The dentist tells him I'll have to pull it out, it's too gone to fix. The dentist gets the novacane and the patient tells him I can't take that I am allergic to it...so the dentist pulls out the laughing gas...the patient says I can't take that either, I am allergic to it! So the dentist getting mad now leaves the room....he comes back and hands the guy two pills to take. The patient takes the pills...then asks the dentist, what were those pills? The dentist looks at him and says Viagara.....the patient says Viagara???? the dentist says....sure is, ...   Full text

mr cadbury met mrs rowntree in a room on quality street, it was after eight. he turned out the light for a bit of black magic! and slipped his hand in her snickers and showed her his curly wurly. not keen to have any jelly babies she let him take a trip up bourneville boulevard. she screamed with turkish delight! as he took out his fun sized mars bar it felt a bit crunchie and she wanted some time out but he did a twirl and had a picnic in her pink wafers.

American, Russian and Burmese met and chatted in the bar once.
The American Started '' In our Country, the technology is so advancing, that our missiles can hit anywhere on the the earth to exactly right spot. ''
On hearing that the Russian retorted '' it is impossible, becasue there are many interferences like the earth orbit and wind direction. so, the missile can't hit the right spot.''
The American Replyed '' Well, in that case, no more than two inches will it deviate. ''
And The Russian's turn. '' In our Country, the technology is so advanced, that Our Powerful Laser Gun can fire exactly right spot on the moon. ''
On hearing that the American retorted '' it ...   Full text

A father brings along his little daughter to the barber while he gets his haircut. The little girl is watching the barber work while she eats her Hostess snack cake. Over time she gets closer and closer to the barber's chair where the barber is giving her dad a trim. The barber says to the girl "You're going to get hair on your twinkie." To which the girl replies, "Yeah, and I'm gonna get tits, too."

there were 3 men. A mexican, A black, and a chinese. and they were all chosen 2 work as laborers on a farm. the farmer was showing them aroung the farm when the farmers daughter came out 2 ask her father a question. the farmers daughter was beautiful. after the girl left the farmer noticed all three men ogling his daughter.
"she a beaty aint she." the farmer began
all three men agreed n unison
"well imma tell u this once and only once" he began again. i dont want any of u touchin my daughter. im savin her 4 a nice rich man and i dont any 1 of u messin it up, agreed.
all 3 men agreed n unison
"im not finished!" barked the farmer. "if i find out anyone 1 of u touchin ...   Full text

Penis tells his two balls ???Today I will take U to a party tonight???
??? The two balls reply ???U bloody fucking liar, U always get inside and leave us outside???

if the answer is COCKROBIN what is the question? ...   Full text

There was this girl about 13 years old. She loved cookies. Her parents were going away on a trip.
"Don't let anyone in while we're gone!" the parents said.
"Okay!" the girl said.
When they left, she heard the doorbell. She answered it. "Who is it?" she asked. It was a man. "I can't let you in!" she said.
"I'll give you 10 cookies!" he said.
"Okay!" she said.
She let him in. He said, "Can you show me to your room?" and she said, "No!". The man bribed, "I'll give you 100 cookies!" "Okay!" she exclaimed.
When they were in the room, the man said, "Can you lay down on your bed?" and the girl said, "No!" The man bribed once more, "I'll give you 1000 ...   Full text

cute little 5 year old daisy sees a group of burly workmen turn up next door to build a house. she takes an interest and starts to talk to them.The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as site mascot.After a week they present her with a pink hard hat n gloves and even a wage packet with ?5. Goodness says mummy smiling are you working there next week? Daisy replies; I think so mummy,provided those cunts at jewsons deliver the fuckin bricks!!!

What's the difference between a 747 (a passenger plane with 2 levels) and a blonde?
Some people have never been inside a 747...

A couple went to a sex therapist for help. The man said "Please doc, You gotta help us. Our sex life is in a rut." The doctor said that he had to examine each of them and only then could he make a recommendation. After the examinations he sat them down and said, " Ok, what you need to do is stop by the grocery store on the way home and pick up a bunch of grapes and a dozen doughnuts. When you get home both of you strip down and sit on the ground with your legs spread. Sir you will roll the grapes along the floor until one gets inside youe wifes vagina. Then you crawl over and lick it out. He says no problem. Maam, you will play the ring toss game with your husband. When you get a ...   Full text

What does a dentist say before sex: OPEN WIDE.
What does a dentist say during sex: Put This In Your Mouth
What does a dentist say after sex: Be Sure To Rinse

Johny Luck was in Vegas. He thought with his last name he couldnt go wrong. Well he was wrong. For seven days he had been wrong. Ol Johny Luck was down on his luck. Infact Johny was down to his last ten bucks. Checking account empty, credit cards maxed. Hell he didnt even know how he was gona get back to the airport.
Looking back at the Casino that now held all of his life savings he just shruged his shoulders. What a man. He stepped to the street and saw a cab already parked there waiting. As he opened the door and stuck his head in the cab he asked the cabby ...   Full text

if a long condom go's on a long prick and a short condom go's on a short prick what go's on a thick prick=A a ford jacket

A woman out golfing was stung by a bee. Because the pain was so great she went back to the main building. A man who helped golfers with their postures came up to her and asked what happened. After telling she was stung by a bee he asked where did this happen? She replied between the first and second hole. He nodded and said your legs are too far apart when you golf.

Why did God create men? Because Vibrators can't mow the lawn.

An Old man has a bad tooth ache, he goes into the dentist office. The dentist brings him into the room and looks at the tooth, he tells the old man we cant fix it we need to pull it out! The dentist gets some novacane, the old man says I can't take that...I am allergic to it! So the dentist leaves the room and comes back with some laughing gas...the old man says I can't take that I am allergic to it! So the dentist is getting mad, leaves the room and comes back and sticks two pills in the old mans hand and says take these! The old man takes the pills and asks what were they? The dentist tells him it was Viagara! The old mans says Viagara??? the dentist says sure is...you are going to ...   Full text

6. You live surrounded by nuts
5. You have a head with no brains
4. You have one eye that can't see
3. Your best friend is a pussy
2. An asshole lives behind you
1. They make you do pushups until you throw-up

What happens to a migdet when he walks into a woman? Answer: He get a clit round the ear and a flap across the face