Dirty jokes

2 thieves are starving to death so they go to a farm in the middle of the night to steal some fruit. Suddenly a farmer approaches them and tells one of the to pull down his pants and start makin' a huge pile o' shit!...and then just as the other thief begins to laugh at his partner squating a huge turd, the farmer looks at him and shouts..."What the Hell are you laughin' at. You're the one who's gonna eat it!"

Q: - What's your name Please?
A: - Abdulaziz Abdullah Mohammed.
Q: - Nationality?
A: - Saudi
Q: - Sex?
A: - 4 - 5 times a day.
Q: - No, I mean, Male or Female?
A: - Doesn't matter. Sometimes even a camel

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a ...   Full text

2 gay guys were holding hands while walking in park. The one gay noticed dog laying on the ground licking himself and said, "I wish I could do that". And the other gay said to him, "don't you think you should pet him first"?

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct,??? says the manager, ???now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the ...   Full text

Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fucking hard-on I've got. It must be all the fresh air. I'm going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"
John says, "Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that's my cock your holding."

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
This joke was submitted by:
Eskimo

Abu Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) were sitting in a coffee house....
AA: why do you have this look upon your face AS?

AS: my wife is sick and I don't know what should I do to her...
AA: tell me...

AS: i took her to the doctor today and he said that she might have a memory lack (very forgetful) or she could have AIDs... please help me AA how could I possibly know of which ilness is she suffering? and what should I do?

AA: It's so simple ... take her away from home .. about 15 miles away ... IF she came back home ... DON'T fuck her

after 10 children a wife has a small operation on her vaginia to tighten it and have some removed.after the op she wakes up to find 3 red roses on her bed.she says to nurse what are they for she says the first is from the doctor the op was a complete sucsess.the second is from your husband he cant wait to get you home for a great active sex life the same as when you were teenagers.and the wife says what about the 3rd rose oh thats from mr jones in the burns unit saying thanks for his new EARS

what the differnce between a roster and a hore the answer is a roster say cock a dodul do and a hore say any cock will do

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewelry from the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."
"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."
"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.
"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother ...   Full text

Two guys John and Eddie were fishing by the banks of a lake. John was catching fish after fish but Eddie was not even getting a nibble.
Finally exasperated, Eddie asked John, "Hey, how come you're getting so many fish and I'm not getting anything? What am I doing wrong?"
"What are you using for bait?" Asked John.
"Just regular bait, worms." Replied Eddie.
"Man, fish don't eat worms these days." said John, "You gotta use the right kind of bait to catch fish now a days."
"What are they eating then?" asked Eddie curiously.
"Pussy man, pure pussy meat." said John with a grin.
"Pussy meat? Where'd you get it from?"
"Well, I know a guy who works in the morgue ...   Full text

Just after World War 2, a reporter was interviewing the head nun of a monastery in Italy regarding her experiences during the war.
"Oh it was terrible, terrible." She cried, "First the Italians raped us all except sister Matilda. Then the Germans raped us all except sister Matilda and then the Americans raped us all except sister Matilda."
"Oh I'm so sorry, it must be very difficult for you." replied the reporter, "But I'm curious, you said they all raped you except sister Matilda. Why didn't anyone rape sister Matilda?"
"Oh sister Matilda," said the nun, wiping her eye, "She's not interested in that sort of thing."

What are the three wonders of women ? They produce milk without grazing, Bleed for seven days a mounth without dying and bury a bone deeper than a dog without getting thier nose dirty.

A teacher asks a pupil which part of the body goes to heaven 1st, the pupil replies legs miss i've seen my mum with her legs in the air sreaming GOD IM FUCKING CUMING!!!

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah ...   Full text

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". ...   Full text

Melbourne Zoo in Australia had acquired a female gorilla of a very rare species. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwi men, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Kevin was approached with a ...   Full text

Q: How does Paris Hilton blow kisses?
A: She Queefs

Jack, a loyal Christian, met a girl and fell in love with her. He thought that she was a virgin and decided to marry her. However the girl was not a virgin, and knowing that Jack will change his mind if he finds out, she asked her mother for advise.
Mother: Do not worry dear, just buy a little fire cracker and put it into your pussy, when you do it for the first time, light it up, and when it explodes tell him that you are a women now. I did the same thing with your father and he never found out.

So they got married, and on the wedding night when they were about to do it, she inserted a BIG fire cracker. She light it up, and the thing exploded with a very loud bang.
...   Full text

Two doctors meet at a bar during a major medical conference, one male and one female. They both talk and one thing leads to another and both doctors were in a hotel room. Before undressing the female doctor washed her hands, after sex with the male doctor she washed her hands again. The Male doctor says "Let me guess, you're a surgeon." The female doctors asks "How'd you know?" The guy goes "You keep washing your hands." The female doctor replies, "You must be an anaesthesiologist." The guy doc asks "Howd's you know?" The lady replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Jimmy goes to see his computer genius friend Charlie, in his office. The first thing he notices is a really sexy looking secretary who leads him into Charlie's room. Charlie is busy working on his computer.
"Hey Charlie, how ya doin' my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary? She's hot."
"Oh I didn't hire her, I actually develped her." replies Charlie, still working on his computer, "She's a robot."
"Are you serious?" says Jimmy with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."
"Yeah, and that's not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies Charlie with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and ...   Full text

A Lebanese guy named Elias walks into a pharmacy and asks for a box of tissue papers. The pharmacist comes out and gives him a huge box of tissue papers. Elias says I do not want this huge box I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is all right it is for the same price take it as it is subsidised by Hariri (a former lebanese prime minister assasinated in 2005). So Elias takes it and walks away. The second day Elias returns to the pharmacy and asks for a tube of tooth paste. The pharmacist comes out and gives him an enormous tube of tooth paste. Elias says I do not want this enormous tube I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is alright it is for the same price take ...   Full text

a couple was having money problems... they were sitting down at the table eating supper, when the wife said... "I know... you could stop buying 3 24's of beer every week"... the husband says... "no no I can't do that, but what about you.... you spend like one hundred dollars on makeup a month you could give that up".... she says, "but dear... that's to make me look pretty". The husband looks at her and says, "what the fuck do you think the beer is for".

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gate, he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be given the choice of who he will REPLACE forever in Hell.
Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind the door is Jeffrey Dahmer. He's being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Jeff in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me."
The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says "I don't think this is for me."
The third door opens and behind it is Ken ...   Full text

A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, ...   Full text

why don;t women fart??
they don;t keep their mouth shut long enough to build up enough pressure!!!!!1