TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
JOHNY Big hands!

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

The child is the only thing in the house that has to do laundry by hand

Two student run to the policeman :
Policeman! Policeman, the corner there ...
- What happened?
- Here ... our teacher ...
- An accident?
- No! He is parking wrong!

The teacher asked:
- John - what is responsible?
- I have only one button on the pants.
- And what?
- That it is responsible.

Q: Where were lemons first found?
A: In a tree!

Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned?
A: On her head!

Q: What's black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two Zebras fighting over a pickle.

Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: If we get together, we could make some cents.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.
Q: What did the snail say when he got a ride on a turtle?
A: WEEEEEEEEE.
Q: Why did the mummy go to jail?????
A: becase he had a bum wrap!!!!!
Q: Simon can you spell yourname backwards?
A: nomis!
Q: What do you call a cammal with three humps?
A: humphrey!
Q: What did the glove say to the ball?
A: Catch ya later!

Q: How do you stop fish from smelling?
A: Cut their noses off.

Q: What's black and white and read all over?
A: a newspaper!

There was a French man, English man and a stupid man.
The French man caught a rabbit, so the English man said:
"How did you catch it?"
The French man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a rabbit."
So then the English man caught a moose, and the stupid man said:
"How did you get that?"
The English man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a moose."
Then the stupid man comes back and the French man and the English man said:
"What happened to you.?"
The stupid man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I got hit by a train!!!!!!!

What has a head and a foot but no arms?
A bed!

The turtle took two chocolates to Texas, to teach Thomas to tie his shoes. How many "Ts" in that?
There are 2 "Ts" in "THAT!

What kind of keys do kids like to carry?
Coo-kies!
Why do Teddy Bear biscuits wear long trousers?
Because they've got crummy legs
Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
Because they take too long changing!
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
He wanted a clean getaway!

What has 5 eyes, is blind, goes for miles, yet bumps into nothing?
The Mississippi River!

What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel!

Whats the hardest part about sky diving?
The Ground!

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
One! After that its not empty! (
What washes up on very small beaches?
Microwaves!
Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week?
They only work on wick-ends!
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
What breaks when you say it?
Silence!
If Phil & Lil were a fruit, what kind would they be?
A pear (pair)

Why can't you starve in a desert?
Because of all the "sand which is" there!
What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A hole! (
If a man falls into an outhouse hole, how long will he be in there?
It depends on how many moons he sees!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
The road!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change! (
What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow! (
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming!

What did the dentist say to his computer?
You have a severe Megabyte
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked!
What do you get when you throw Daffy Duck into the ocean?
Saltwater Daffy!
Why did Jon go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date! (
What goes all around a pasture but never moves?
A fence!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs
How do you say chocolate in French?
Chocolate in French!
Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny!