Lawyer jokes

Scientists are now carrying out most of their experiments on lawyers instead of rats. There are 3 main reasons for this:

1. There are considerably more lawyers in the world than there are rats.

2. The scientists don't get so attached to the lawyers.

3. There are some things that even the rats won't do.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint ...   Full text

have you heard they are now using lawyers insted of animals for experimentation...they found out there are some things even a rat wouldn't do

One day a guy found a genie lamp and rubbed and POOF! the genie popped out. The genie said that he would give the guy three wishes but that he was a lawyers genie and whatever he got every lawyer got double. First he wished for 10 million dollars POOF he has ten million dollars but every lawyer in the world gets 20 million. Second he wishes fow world peace POOf he has it. Every lawyer in the world gets Utopia. Third and last he wished to donate a kidney. Every lawyer in the world donated both of there kidneys.

In reality,Heaven and Hell are right next to each other,separated by a bigass chain link fence.Well,one day some jackass broke a hole in the fence,and God and Satan sat down to talk about it.God said"You better repair that fence,or we'll sue you!".Well,the devil,he says"Oh yeah?Where the hell are you gonna find a lawyer??"

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue ...   Full text

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client?s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

There's two male lawyers on an island..they've been stranded for 2 years. One day, a beautiful woman washes up, and before the go out to meet her, one lawyer turns to the other and says "We havent..you know...in a while..should we screw her?"
The other Lawyer looked puzzled and said "Out of what?"

Q: Why don't lawyers fall in love on Valentine's Day?
A: "Oh, come on. Even Cupid can't hit a target that small!"

Q: Whats the difference between a run over dog and a run over lawyer?

A: skid marks before the dog

What do Lawyers and Whores have in common?
If you pay them, they will screw you.

A guy finds a lamp. And out of the lamp comes a geni. the geni says that he can have 3 wishes but that for every wish a every lwayer in the world will get twice that. So for his first wish he says well I really want a million dollars. The geni says are you sure that means every lawyer in the world is going to get to get 2 million dollars. Ya i think i can live with that, so the guy got a million dollars and every lawyer got two million dollars. So for my second wish i think i want a really hot girlfriend. The geni says ok but remember every lawyer in the world is going to get two really hot girlfriend. Ok i can live with that says the guy. So the guy got a really ot girlfriend and every ...   Full text

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off the cliff. There were no survivors.
Bad News: There was an empty row of seats on the bus!!

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick

There was a lawyer and a blonde sitting next to eachother on a plain. The lawyer bored, and the blonde tired.
The lawyer finaly asked the blonde if she would like to play a game after 5 minutes of silence.
The blonde said she didnt want too.
The lawyer ignoring her answer said "okay I ask you a question and if you get it wrong or dont know the answer you give me five dollars. Then you ask me a question and if I dont know it or get it wrong I give you five dollars."
The blonde, annoyed said "i dont want to play im tired."
The lawyer bored out of is mind couldnt take the answer so he said "okay how about if i get it wrong or dont know it i give you 20 ...   Full text

A lawyer is someone who:

*Rights a fifty page report and calls it a brief

*Knows that laws are the guidelines of society, and help criminals read between them

*makes a deal with the devil that he gets whatever he wants in life, in exchange for his soul to burn in hell and then asks "What's the catch?"

*lives in poverty because he's to stingy to use up his $95 million.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, ...   Full text

Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they ...   Full text

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.

He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell."

The worker agreed - not like he could do anything else - and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?" ...   Full text

So you opened this because the subject line was about SEX. Would you have opened it if it said God? why not? Why is it so easy for people to spread the word of sex but get embarassed when it comes to God? There is no bribe of a miracle. If you truely belive in God then repost this and title the bulletin as "I WANT SEX" to get poeple to open it. If you don't believe in God then just ignore this.. don't be ashamed


In the Bible Jesus says, "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the ...   Full text

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

Your sitting on a bench reading a newspaper while eating a sandwich when you notice that there are 5 lawyers drowning and theres only enough time to save 3 what do you do? finish you sandwich or read your newspaper?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'msending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."