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Medical jokes

Medical Jokes #1992   Rating: [0]

What could be more expensive than health? - REMEDY!!!

Medical Jokes #1990   Rating: [-1]

Surgeons said to patient :
- Operation was successful.
- Thank you, Doctor! But I went into the operating theatre only to fix the tap water ...

Medical Jokes #1868   Rating: [9]

Q: Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill coubord quietly?
A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!!!!

Medical Jokes #1867   Rating: [-1]

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Medical Jokes #1866   Rating: [6]

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Medical Jokes #1865   Rating: [3]

When the doctor came to visit my aunt Claudette my aunt said: 'Doctor, I hope you're going to tell me that I'm very ill.'
The doctor looked at my aunt said: 'But why? Don't you want me to say you're very healthy?'
'No,' replied aunt Claudette. 'I feel absolutely terrible. And I don't want to feel like this if I'm healthy. But I'm sure you can make me better.'

Medical Jokes #1864   Rating: [7]

Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.'
Doctor: 'Would you like an apple or a banana?'

Medical Jokes #1863   Rating: [0]

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
'Why do you feel that?' he asked.
'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tyre marks on my legs.'

Medical Jokes #1862   Rating: [0]

'Doctor, doctor! I feel like a piano.'
'Then I'd better take some notes.'

Medical Jokes #1861   Rating: [0]

When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: 'Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?'
'I don't know,' replieed the young man, 'I don't think I'd dare hold a match to it.'

Medical Jokes #1860   Rating: [0]

'Doctor, doctor! Can you help me? My tongue keeps sticking out.'
'That's good. Now, if you can just lick these stamps...'

Medical Jokes #1859   Rating: [2]

While I was in teh doctor's waiting room there was this tiny man only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.

Medical Jokes #1858   Rating: [0]

The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head.
The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable. I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.'
'Cut it off?' snapped the woman. 'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.'

Medical Jokes #1857   Rating: [0]

When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell, he said: 'I'm not surprised. You were made upside down.'

Medical Jokes #1856   Rating: [0]

Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.'
Doctor: 'Why?'
Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.'

Medical Jokes #1855   Rating: [9]

What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?
'Necks please!'

Medical Jokes #1854   Rating: [0]

Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.
'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.'
'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your treatment I've just inherited five million pounds.'

Medical Jokes #1853   Rating: [0]

Since I had treatment by a private doctor I've lost five kilos in weight. The doctor's bill was so enormous I've been unable to afford to buy any food to eat.

Medical Jokes #1852   Rating: [0]

'Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.'
'Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops.'

Medical Jokes #1851   Rating: [0]

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.

Medical Jokes #1850   Rating: [0]

Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a whole sheep.'
Doctor: 'How do you feel?'
Patient: 'Quite baa-d.'

Medical Jokes #1849   Rating: [0]

Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
'Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'
'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.'

Medical Jokes #1848   Rating: [0]

When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she told me to get the end of the cue.

Medical Jokes #1847   Rating: [0]

When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave me a razor blade.

Medical Jokes #1846   Rating: [0]

Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.'
Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?'
Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.'

Medical Jokes #1845   Rating: [0]

Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any.

Medical Jokes #1844   Rating: [0]

'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?'
'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.'

Medical Jokes #1843   Rating: [0]

Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery.
'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist.
'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?'
'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.'

Medical Jokes #1842   Rating: [0]

I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.

Medical Jokes #1841   Rating: [0]

The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl.

Doctor: 'Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?'

Miss Jones: 'Oh. no, doctor, never!'

Doctor: 'Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample you sent, do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?'

Miss Jones: 'Quite sure, doctor. Can I go now?'

Doctor: 'No.'

Miss Jones: 'But why not?'

Doctor: 'Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.'

Jokes about doctors and patients have become classics of humor. Numerous numbers of jokes were invented for this topic and to this day they remain very interesting and still funny. We take very seriously in everything that concerns our health, but sometimes it is nice to laugh at it. There are huge numbers of curious cases in medicine so you even do not have to invent jokes. But often the situations in medical jokes are embellished to make them funnier. On the Internet you can find a lot of funny medical stories as well as the short medical jokes one liners. Therefore you can spend your break with a lot of fun reading medical jokes. Especially these jokes will appeal to those who like the black humor, because this humor is between life and death and there are many situations which are quite cynical in some cases but still funny. Medical humor is constantly updated with new jokes. You can watch some of the doctors and notice something funny. In any case, the medical jokes will appeal to all.

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