You might be a reneck if...
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Your gear shift ...   Full text

You might be a reneck if...
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into ...   Full text

You might be a reneck if...
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese ...   Full text

You might be a reneck if...
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
Your clawfoot ...   Full text

You might be a reneck if...
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

You might be a redneck if...
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

You might be a redneck if...
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You might be a redneck if...
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You might be a redneck if...
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You might be a redneck if...
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You might be a redneck if...
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You might be a redneck if...
Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get
Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You might be a redneck if...
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

You might be a redneck if...
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.

You might be a redneck if...
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You might be a redneck if...
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
You've got more than one brother named ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
Your lips move ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
You have the policeman hold your beer while ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.
You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
None of your zippers have all their teeth either. 49.You are driving the car you were conceived in.
You've ever used scissors on food.
You've ever re-used a paper ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.
It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
Your dog is your alarm clock.

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get ...   Full text

You might be a redneck if...
You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".