Lost in his own back yard?

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer ... Full text

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss ... Full text

A driver meets Pope Benedict XVI at the airport.
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at ... Full text

Keep 'Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it ... Full text

Life Is Soooooo Boring

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 ... Full text

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid." Full text

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people ... Full text

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that ... Full text

Claude and Maude...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they Enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an ... Full text

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices an old drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is ... Full text

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
Full text

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a ... Full text

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather ... Full text

Old Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The ... Full text

A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he ... Full text

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was ... Full text

The Promise

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart ... Full text

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. Full text

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a shop and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the shop assistant , "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After ... Full text

Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're
really doing great, aren't you? '

Percy replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and ... Full text

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! ... Full text

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the ... Full text

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." Full text

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, ... Full text

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, an 8 year old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, 'Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.'

The old man Snaps back, 'Well, Sonny, if your Daddy did the same thing eight ... Full text

A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes.

The result of this was that their Grandad never received any thank-yous for the very generous cheques he'd written to the kids. However, the following year, things were different.

"All the Kids came over personally to thank me" said the Grandad ... Full text

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water ... Full text

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to ... Full text

A husband and wife, both in their 80's, visit their doctor and complain of short-term memory loss. After listening, the doctor suggests that they may want to write down the things they would like to remember. The couple agree that this would be a good idea.

A few days go by and the husband and wife are in bed late one evening when the wife says she could go for a bowl of ice ... Full text

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and ... Full text