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Retirement jokes

Retirement Jokes #2030   Rating: [5]

Lost in his own back yard?

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'

Retirement Jokes #2029   Rating: [15]

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast.
"Later that night........
Mildred was admitted to the ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2028   Rating: [5]

A driver meets Pope Benedict XVI at the airport.
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And supposing something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Full text

Retirement Jokes #2027   Rating: [26]

Keep 'Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The lady said, "That's a pretty nifty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2026   Rating: [14]

Life Is Soooooo Boring

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2025   Rating: [6]

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Retirement Jokes #2024   Rating: [3]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2023   Rating: [8]

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2022   Rating: [3]

Claude and Maude...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they Enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2021   Rating: [13]

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices an old drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2020   Rating: [10]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or Full text

Retirement Jokes #2019   Rating: [9]

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2018   Rating: [6]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Retirement Jokes #2017   Rating: [3]

Old Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2016   Rating: [7]

A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and

starts to slow down.

When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2015   Rating: [6]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #2014   Rating: [0]

The Promise

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #1987   Rating: [16]

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Retirement Jokes #1986   Rating: [37]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a shop and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the shop assistant , "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #1985   Rating: [11]

Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're
really doing great, aren't you? '

Percy replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'

Retirement Jokes #1984   Rating: [9]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

Retirement Jokes #1983   Rating: [6]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

Retirement Jokes #1982   Rating: [6]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Retirement Jokes #1981   Rating: [4]

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

Retirement Jokes #1980   Rating: [6]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, an 8 year old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, 'Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.'

The old man Snaps back, 'Well, Sonny, if your Daddy did the same thing eight years ago, I'd have a bloody seat today!!!'

Retirement Jokes #1979   Rating: [0]

A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes.

The result of this was that their Grandad never received any thank-yous for the very generous cheques he'd written to the kids. However, the following year, things were different.

"All the Kids came over personally to thank me" said the Grandad in a triumphant manner...

"That's great," said his friend, "why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?"

"Well, that's easy," declared Grandad, "this year I didn't sign the cheques..."

Retirement Jokes #1978   Rating: [3]

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #1977   Rating: [8]

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home
and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
as she processes his Social Security application. ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #1976   Rating: [9]

A husband and wife, both in their 80's, visit their doctor and complain of short-term memory loss. After listening, the doctor suggests that they may want to write down the things they would like to remember. The couple agree that this would be a good idea.

A few days go by and the husband and wife are in bed late one evening when the wife says she could go for a bowl of ice cream. The husband volunteers to go down to the kitchen and dish it up.

"Do you think you should write it down like the doctor said?" the wife asks.

"No, I think I can remember a bowl of ice cream," replies the husband, as he heads downstairs.

After a few minutes ...   Full text

Retirement Jokes #1975   Rating: [15]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, ...   Full text

To get the rest during the day with a cup of coffee, you can visit a good website with retirement jokes. You will not lose your time in vain, since these jokes can help to cheer up, forget about the worries and spend a few minutes of fun. Especially these jokes will be useful, if you are planning the retirement party. We all have to work with colleagues, whose age may be much greater than ours. These employees, who work a long time, have a great experience and know the answers on many questions. These are respected people who are preparing for retirement sooner or later. You can use the retirement jokes or quotes to embellish your Retirement speech and make it more personal for the individual and more memorable. You can also use these jokes to lighten the atmosphere on Retirement party. Also Retirement jokes can decorate your Retirement card and cheer up the person who will read it. If you know, for example, a teacher who is going to retire soon, you will be able to pleasantly surprise him or her by saying a couple of funny retirement jokes. On the Internet you can find many funny jokes as long as short, which are ideally suited for different situations and people, so will be able to choose the best for you.

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